Take

[JackShea]

An older woman bids goodby to her young lover.

TAKE or COME FOLLOW ME!

Take my hand
Come follow me
Beneath this tree
Our canopy.
Take these words
For our song.
Take this heart
Forever long.
Take this hand
Walk to the sea.
Take this flesh
Make love to me.
Take what's left,
Now go away and
A moment in time
Remember this day.

[Yelena]

:thumbs_up what can i say?:goof:

[JackShea]

"what can i say?"

Nothing...just say you will let me see your art!!!

[Yelena]

hey, i gave you thumbs-up though! what if i say you left me speechless?
:) one day i'll open up a gallery and Jack's gonna be among the first ones invited! i might ask you to recite your poems there though so get ready

[ktd222]

Thanks for posting more of your poems, Jack. Is the title a question or command? Why is there an exclamation point after the title? Are the two lovers yelling at each other? It is very unromantic to do so during a good-bye, don’t you agree? I have to tell you that the moments you describe during this good-bye were vague, and as a result I didn’t feel that the two felt something for each other. Maybe you could take each of these moments that they shared and expand on it. Make me feel why each of these things that they shared is so important.
I’m really not just negatively criticizing your poetry but just hoping you could understand from my point of view how I felt when I read your poem.

[dramasnot6]

You seem to have a pretty specific idea of whats going on in this poem(the woman and her young lover) but it doesnt really reflect in your poem. Perhaps make some more specific reference to the story? Sorry if i missed any, just my initial reading was of lovers in general. Well done! :)

[jon1jt]

i think the story is simply the brief snapshot the woman sees off her younger lover. there's a forward- and backward-looking play, and then i imagine him disappearing from her eye's range, and all she can hope is that he'll remember her, in every way. i really like it. i see what ktd is saying, but maybe the feeling between the two is shared - the emphasis is strictly on the departure. it's almost like the poet is filtering everything else out, which is hard for a reader to get inside, including me. but that doesn't detract from the experience, which is beautiful for them, and intriguing to me.

thanks for sharing sir jack.

[jgx]

Take


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An older woman bids goodby to her young lover.

TAKE or COME FOLLOW ME!

Take my hand
Come follow me
Beneath this tree
Our canopy.
Take these words
For our song.
Take this heart
Forever long.
Take this hand
Walk to the sea.
Take this flesh
Make love to me.
Take what's left,
Now go away and
A moment in time
Remember this day.


Ok. When I was a university student examining, critiquing, listening, loving.... I mean poetry was my passion. In part this was due to an extraordinary prof of mine who was brilliant with a Whitmanian energyl...oh those classes...and I...if I dare say so...was quite a sharp student...yup. What I appreciated then and now is that a poem...one of the things I appreciated was that because of most poems brevity you can look at the text with a precision and detail that I find delightful.

With that said I will comment on above poem. Now it is tricky...there is the gestalt of the poem...of any poem...its vibe, tone, what it does to ya..make ya dance or feel morose or think of dark shapes in dark places (think Poe).

And there is each and every word...to do a poem...in fact to do any work of art...to give it its due, its respect ya need to deal with both the forest, the woods, and not just each tree but..if you can...look at the leaves and the branches and even the bark.

cont. in next post

[ktd222]

Take


Ok. When I was a university student examining, critiquing, listening, loving.... I mean poetry was my passion. In part this was due to an extraordinary prof of mine who was brilliant with a Whitmanian energyl...oh those classes...and I...if I dare say so...was quite a sharp student...yup. What I appreciated then and now is that a poem...one of the things I appreciated was that because of most poems brevity you can look at the text with a precision and detail that I find delightful.

With that said I will comment on above poem. Now it is tricky...there is the gestalt of the poem...of any poem...its vibe, tone, what it does to ya..make ya dance or feel morose or think of dark shapes in dark places (think Poe).

And there is each and every word...to do a poem...in fact to do any work of art...to give it its due, its respect ya need to deal with both the forest, the woods, and not just each tree but..if you can...look at the leaves and the branches and even the bark.

cont. in next post

Why are you posting this here?