Poem

[piquant]

Lubdub

I wish you could put your cool fingers on my soul.
It is feverish with worry and want,
With wishing for silent tongues of fire to engulf it all,
With hopelessness dripping into the clogged sink.

There was a time when silence was okay,
When I didn’t need this noise to stay alive—
But now I hear my heart in that silence,
Beating away.

I do the dishes for hours,
And make my bed,
And dust crumbs off the table,
Every day.
Everyday dust them away,
For five years, for ten—
I count the years in crumbs.

I disappeared the other day,
Just slipped away silently,
And I said,
“Do I make any noise when I speak?”
I don’t.

They should tell the children about this.

I wish someone could take it all away,
Take it all back—
Back to where I was the earth and the brook and the blade of grass.
Why did they prune me like this?
Why did they give me an “I”?
Don’t they know we were never meant to know our heart is beating?


Any improvement over past poems? Suggestions, please! Also, feel free to criticize away, I'm a tough girl. Forums are actually a gentle kind of critisism. Frightening critisism happens to your face, in front of a large class, in the violence of classroom critiques.
The most frightening form of critisim probably happens upon publication, when people are paid to criticize your work.
The moral--be mean, or there will be no growth! Growth is more important than ego!

[Isagel]

OK- here goes mean ;)

I really like the beginning. (I usually like your poems) For me it´builds up to a strong image of an empty life, and how it slowly turned that way. And the longing underneath, feverish, just under the surface. Longing for something else for growth, lust or warmth. Perhaps for screaming out loud.

I´m not sure about the ending. It´s not at all as strong as the beginning- the picture and the feeling is not as vivid to me. You have the abilty to say things "between the lines" - with images. But in the last stanza you don´t use that.

This line I think is absolutly elegant and a good example of the things I admire in your poetry -

They should tell the children about this.

[malikm24]

I loved this line,
"With hopelessness dripping into the clogged sink."
it emphasises the feeling of dejection, of having given up, of nothing to look forward to,
I agree with Isagel that the ending is not that effective, it kinda feels like there is more to come, I mean its good bt not as good as the beginning, its like there is sth wanting.
But the poem is really good, all in all, especially the use of certain everyday things to emphasise the feeling of stagnation, of not going anywhere....
Good one......