PDA

View Full Version : Father and Daughter



Adolescent09
01-01-2007, 10:31 AM
Hello all. I recently wrote this poem based on a true account of a man and daughter and how their life was traumatically effected. Thoughts, considerations and constructive opinions will be appreciated in the highest respect.


He held her hand
She held his
and they traversed the park this way
she remembered the place and the time on that cold long autumn day
he crouched on the ground cupped his hands to her ear
and told her something she'd never forget
"Honey the darkness is lifting, the sun is shining, good days are nearly here,
I shall be gone and back although you'll pine for me yet,
I will always be in here.
He patted her lightly on her breast,
kissed her on her cheak and implored her not to protest,
They went home content in mind and heart at rest,
but the rest did not prevail,
a tall staunch man, opulently dressed came and asked for him,
There was no choice, he had to go but he promised
that his love for her would never grow dim,
She threw tantrums and bouts, wept and fussed,
But he stipulated that his temporary leave was a must,
he told her to remember that autumn day
when they walked hand in hand that way
and to know that the bright days were near.
She waited days, she waited weeks, months and a year,
not once did she forget that autumn day and his promise not to fear,
and thus she didn't but tarried longer,
her angst for his impending return grew stronger,
until that opulent gentleman returned with a downcast face,
in his hand he held a golden scrawl in blank ink, wrapped in shining lace,
she flew to the door, she thought it was him,
but saw this man instead and noticed the tears that rolled from
cheak to chin.
He told her what she didn't wish to hear
and she agitated, lamented and began to fear,
until she finally mustered the courage to ask what was the object wrapped
in lace
he gave it to her,
through the tears it appeared to be blurred,
but then she coiled over and fell on her face,
It read, "Forget not my darling sweet autumn days,
and how I told you I'd go away and come back some day,
chances are that the second promise cannot be kept
i did the best i could, when the bomb fell I leapt,
But now I'm off to a better place
where blood, anguish, and depression are effaced,
and you will come to me some day, in some way, some how"
and he guessed quite right, for she is there now.

dramasnot6
01-02-2007, 06:33 AM
Very touching messages, and a nice rythm. Yet the storyline may be a bit cliche and confusing. Perhaps specifying a time and place would strengthen the reader's emotional response, and maybe developing the characters and their relationship a bit more. Well done! :thumbs_up

Adolescent09
01-02-2007, 10:04 AM
Thanks drama. I'll work on that.

Adolescent09
01-07-2007, 03:05 PM
any opinions?

GimmyDiamond
01-07-2007, 03:45 PM
I agree with dramas about developing the characters and the relationship more . . . personally, and although I can't place my finger on where, but I think perhaps it is your choice of words that is undermining the emotion, not necessarily the lack of specifics . . .
I liked it though . . . nice work

Triskele
01-07-2007, 04:24 PM
same heah, i think that sometimes a bit of natural comparison helps convey emotions... but thats just me.

Adolescent09
01-07-2007, 07:55 PM
well thanks for replying at least. I'll try to be more specific with my poetic views in the future.