Back to poetry (sort of)

[Koa]

Seems like my poor mind is still able to focus on writing something every now and then... I wrote this kind of suddenly a few nights ago, I don't like it too much, it doesnt have a good rhythm and it's way too simplicistic (I also hate the way i always end up using the same word but you won't notice as you don't see the rest of my works ;)), and as usual so abstract...
Well let me know, I hopefully won't visit here until Tuesday (I say hopefully because if I don't it means that I'm studying for a couple of damn exams, I also have a job at the moment which makes it trickier to study as well as I wish- and I'm here instead of studying :rolleyes:) so you have some time ;)
Anyway, here it goes.


EMBRACE
I lie down and the room spins around the lights.
The spinning illusion embraces me.
It makes me imagine physical presences,
but noone is there.
The space around is empty,
only air, thick air and void.
And objects, all my life in this limited space,
all I am, all I was, all I wish I wasn't,
all I've had, all I'll leave,
all I love and feel so deep,
passions and hate and pain and frustrations,
and the past mixed to the present,
in a static future
...everything screams out loud inside of me
but the room is actually silent.

Emptiness and silence
outside and real
but everything's reflected
in my head, it spins and turns
and jumps and hits
and fills me
with unbearable amounts of feelings,
good and evil,
forver unexpressed.

And what reigns above all
is how painful screaming silently is
for noone will ever see
what's really there, beyond this.

And in the loneliness of my bed
only the light can embrace me.




Writing it here, it really feels like it needs some editing...:rolleyes:
A few questions:
1- when I repeat 'all', does it fit, or would 'everything' be better? It'd screw the rhythm, but I wonder if there's some difference in meaning/perception. That's how it came out, but maybe my perception of the word is not perfect... (as that of a native English speaker, I mean).
2- 'for' instead of 'because'. Does it imply a 'higher' style, or can I use it in just a lexically simple poem like this?
3- How do you perceive the general meaning? The idea (which of course I got after I finished, I never have a very clear purpose when i start wrting...when I do, it either changes halfway (well I actually started this thinking it would lead somewhere else), or I just give up). I was saying, the idea is that the light brings that sort of epiphany of my feelings, related to what I have around me...my bedroom, my whole life is there somehow. And it's only mine, it can't be shared to the end. The starting point was actually loneliness, but then it turned into loneliness linked to all I have inside, which I saw, like in an epiphany, in all the things aorund me.
(did the explanation now spoil it?)
(sorry for writing so much, I'm such a bore... :D)

[Koa]

Ahem...I'm here again even if I shouldn't...I thought maybe the poem would be better without the 2 middle stanzas...Only the first one and the last 2 lines. Any feedback? :)

[azmuse]

leave in the 3rd!
...was going to take more time to digest, but since you insist...:D
the 3 "all's" - forget what that form of speech/writing is called - are very musical, can hear a sort of beat there. and then the rest of the first stanza is silent, and well, true. somber.
last stanza's pretty good. so often true...
i like how you share the space inside your head that we all have, and fill our space with yours. nice meshwork.
umm. i see what you mean about the 2nd stanza, it sort of piggybacks on the first. amn't taken with it. it's not a new bauble that your poem simply must! have (from my viewpoint).
nice to see more from you! :)

[Koa]

I didn't want to sound insisting, I just thought of that and wanted to add it...
I don't like the 3rd stanza as much as I don't like the 2nd...I'll see what to do of them.
Thanks for the 'all' thing, my main question was just if it was grammatically corrected, I'm very fussy about it (but I think it's a duty, when I use a language that is not mine I feel obliged to at least use it right! :D)

[azmuse]

oops! sorry to leave unanswered: "because" sounds wordy, i think. I like "for" as is.
also, if you're still working on it/tweaking the stanzas, it might sound as if something were missing (a bridge) if you were to go straight from "but the room is actually silent." to "And in the loneliness of my bed."

oh, (later):
can you try the 2nd without "but", just "everything's reflected." i don't know...could you use a gerund (-ing) for the verbs and drop the "it" reference. only because i think you do need the 2nd for the 3rd.
will not be insulted if you ignore everything i just wrote!

[Koa]

Oh cool I'll think about it (im in a rush now...) Though I thought of killing the 2 middle stanzas exactly to leave out the link...an ellipsis... (does it sound like i just did an exam of linguistics? :D)

Thanks btw

[crisaor]

I'm no poetry expert (still like to read it though). Just a question: do you normally write in english? you translated that poem from italian? you wrote it specifically for this section?
Well, that's more than one, actually. :)

[Koa]

Lol it can be summarised as one ;)

I write in the language in which the inspiration came. Everything I've posted here was written in English, excpet the translated one I've posted as 'translated poem' some time ago.

When I was 14-15 I used to write in English even when in my mind things came in Italian...it was too forced. When I started poetry again, for a few months I wrote only in Italian, then some English came, but I wasnt looking for it. Now I tend to write more and more in English because I use it too much in forums like this and I find myself thinking in English...and also because of music of course.

So I just do it as the inspiration comes. I'd love to write a bilingual one, but I never did...

So, in short: I write in both languages, depends on the moment, it doesnt even have a clear division of topics, cos I've written about the same things in both languages sometimes.

I feel I should write more in Italian, maybe just because I'd use better words as I have a wider choice, but since I'm costantly using English so much, i got more and more influenced...Also, it's a very quick and powerful language, sometimes it gives meaning in a more brief and effective way.

[crisaor]

La vostra spiegazione è esatta. Molto bene. :)
*Hoping I didn't insult you or your ancestors with that*

[fayefaye]

koa, I loved it. Stop criticizing yourself. And good luck on your exams. ;)

[Koa]

Originally posted by crisaor
La vostra spiegazione è esatta. Molto bene. :)
*Hoping I didn't insult you or your ancestors with that*

Uhm no it's ok...*wonders if there's something she doesnt get*
(and thankd for using the most formal way to address to me, I'm honoured :D:D:D)

Thanks faye :)

[crisaor]

Originally posted by Koa
Uhm no it's ok...*wonders if there's something she doesnt get* (and thanks for using the most formal way to address to me, I'm honoured :D:D:D)

No pun intended. I'm trying to learn italian, so I feared that maybe I said it very wrong. I'm glad I didn't. :D
You're welcome, signorina. :)