How Can I Improve?

[kheldar]

I've already posted these in other treads. I love writing. Just need a lot of help and practice to become adequate. So please comment.:thumbs_up



For I have seen, what few have seen
The darkest of, all my need
The thoughts of such, hateful deeds
That fills my mind all day and night

For I cant do, what you can do
Just cannot seem, to quench my thirst
Just cannot seem, to feel content
Everyday feels so incomplete

-----End-----

You who come to stand before me
Will you dare to show your face?
Do you hide behind your mask?
Do you see what I can see?

You who come to stand behind me
Did you come to trip my feet?
Did you come to stab my back?
Did you come to make me fall?

You who come to stand beside me
Will you stand with me tomorrow?
Did you come to guide my feet?
Did you come to make me whole?

-----End-----

[dramasnot6]

Is this a song? It has a nice use of repetition but might need a more specific context. Its hard to tell what its aout, maybe slip some more imagery in there too. Well done :thumbs_up

[Pendragon]

They sound a lot like the Echoes from the Edge. One thing that might help is a title for them. I have seen titles sell poems, songs, books or ruin them. To title something and then make the title come alive in the writing so it cannot be missed. Last poetry contest, my poem was titled Carpe Diem, Latin for "sieze the day." The poem was about a boy and his father; the boy always full of energy, waking his dad before the alarm clock could do so. Dark poetry especially needs a purpose, or people mistake it for something else sometimes. The poems are very good. Maybe a tad short. This from Mr. Sonnet! :lol: Really though, find your own voice and make it you! :thumbs_up

[kheldar]

Is this a song? It has a nice use of repetition but might need a more specific context. Its hard to tell what its aout, maybe slip some more imagery in there too. Well done :thumbs_up

First of all thank you so much. I was losing faith about anybody replying. And no, neither is a song. Not yet anyway. :lol: The first is about my lack of ability in replacing what I lost. The second is about trust. And I will be trying my best to better define the context and include more imagery too. Thank you so very much.

[kheldar]

They sound a lot like the Echoes from the Edge. One thing that might help is a title for them. I have seen titles sell poems, songs, books or ruin them. To title something and then make the title come alive in the writing so it cannot be missed. Last poetry contest, my poem was titled Carpe Diem, Latin for "sieze the day." The poem was about a boy and his father; the boy always full of energy, waking his dad before the alarm clock could do so. Dark poetry especially needs a purpose, or people mistake it for something else sometimes. The poems are very good. Maybe a tad short. This from Mr. Sonnet! :lol: Really though, find your own voice and make it you! :thumbs_up

Thanks for commenting. Funny i never thought of a title before. Forgive my ignorance. But i do undestand what you mean. I'm thinking of titles for these two. I'll post that as soon as i come up with anything decent. Any suggestions??:) Carpe Diem as in the Dead Poets huh! One of the inspiration i had to put my thoughts down in paper. And i have been really trying hard to make them long,:( no success yet. And i've been reading through your Echoes from the Edge for sometime now. you dont need me to tell you, but they are outstanding. I was going to post one of mine, but did'nt think it would do the thread any justice.:D Maybe i'll find the courage to post sometime soon. thanks again for replying.:thumbs_up

[Leon]

I think the poems are a bit depressing. Well perhaps that is what you were aiming for, but you might consider adding some sort of resolution to what your write. Like suggest some ways you are coping with what has happened, or how you are moving on. That helps people to take your poem less as just an outpouring of feelings, but as something greater

[kheldar]

I think the poems are a bit depressing. Well perhaps that is what you were aiming for, but you might consider adding some sort of resolution to what your write. Like suggest some ways you are coping with what has happened, or how you are moving on. That helps people to take your poem less as just an outpouring of feelings, but as something greater

Though this may sound like an excuse its not. These two were written when i was really really depressed. And for a long time i just could'nt get over it. Am still kind of not over it. But i'm gonna write something with some resolution soon, hope u can come to like those more. But i must warn you, they would probably be as much or more depressing. But you are right, these were just an outpouring of feelings.

[kheldar]

Irony

I played with love
For my destruction
I prayed to god
For my salvation

I went to seek
To lay the blame
I came to see
My own reflection


Hers is a really short one that i wrote sometime back. I'm really sorry it does not adress any of your directives. But i just felt like sharing this one. Pendragon I hope u noticed that i gave this one a title. See i do try.:D

[Pendragon]

And it helps. The irony is when you searched for blame you found yourself... A great Echo From the Edge! Why do you think I wrote those, mon ami? Depression. It was a way to express emotion and poetry makes good therapy as well. I was finally disabled by my own battles with my Darkside, as mine is more than partially genetic, and went untreated for almost 30 years. But we persevere. And I have published poems in the small press, magazines, on-line journals, etc. Little pay but lots of satisfaction. Dark poetry will sell. Keep writing. Write from the heart, not the mind. The heart is the soul of a poet. Make the reader feel the poem. Good luck! :thumbs_up

Pen

[kheldar]

And it helps. The irony is when you searched for blame you found yourself... A great Echo From the Edge! Why do you think I wrote those, mon ami? Depression. It was a way to express emotion and poetry makes good therapy as well. I was finally disabled by my own battles with my Darkside, as mine is more than partially genetic, and went untreated for almost 30 years. But we persevere. And I have published poems in the small press, magazines, on-line journals, etc. Little pay but lots of satisfaction. Dark poetry will sell. Keep writing. Write from the heart, not the mind. The heart is the soul of a poet. Make the reader feel the poem. Good luck! :thumbs_up

Pen

Thanks Pen. I don’t think I’ll ever be confident enough with my own writing to get them published. But I think I will always write. As you said this is good therapy. :)

[kheldar]

Hello people. I need your help with this one. I’m not sure if it makes any sense. This is something that just came. And it’s nowhere near finished. And I’m not so sure about the title either. Please tell me if I’ve done better or worse. Any suggestion will be really appreciated. :thumbs_up


Lost

Fire and hatred they dwell so deep
Beneath the surface so rarely revealed
A glimpse of hell of an eternal flame
Some things you lose you can never replace

Seems so long since we were loved, but
Those loving words and silken touch
Remains within our hearts and souls
Until we sleep that final sleep

So we search for that hidden cove
Of soft white sand and tranquil skies
Secluded from this wicked world
Where all can live in harmony

Thus we tread along this path
And hope to find that which we seek
Knowing not within ourselves
We could find our hearts consent.

[Triskele]

interesting, i think that the title changes the entire meaning of the poem, by calling it lost you make it seem as though the "search for that hidden cove
Of soft white sand and tranquil skies" is a bad thing, perhaps a more positive title to denote a search for paradise instead of a way out... jsut a suggestion.