Oh You

[metalhead]

hi there ! before putting down this work i'd like to say i've logged in here beacause i'm just a teenager who tries to write something down and an help from someone who's got more experience wuold be really nice:) and umh then sorry if my english is not so perfect just i'm not a mothertongue i'm italian:P
after that here is the poem:

OH, YOU!

Oh, you! Whose heart I desire
Whose eyes my light thaw
Thy presence once I saw
But felt yet not.
Oh, you! Who rescued me from an erasing fire
Who a glowing soul has, such a sheen is thine
To brighten the night, beaten is the tide
Which darkness had made mine.

Oh, you! A strong song of love whose light is loud
A glowing shore still so apart
Above where I shall flee but cannot.
Hears her my moans I sing for thee?
Oh, she may not, yet deaf ears for me
Tears I shed, so far thou art
Grief for thy soul flies in a further side
Fault is hers, ‘T is named life’s cloud.

ps posted it cuz i really need advices all i want is to improve myself and try to get better and better so please leave many comments:)

[Triskele]

the wording is excellent, the only problem i can see(althugh not really a problem) is that the rhyming scheme is a little irregular, perhaps try to get a repeating scheme, or do free verse, which i personally like better.

[Poetess]

^^ This is incase of a lyric poetry..

[Triskele]

eh? what do you mean by that (i apologize for my ignorance but i must know

[ktd222]

You have a lot happening in your poem metal. May I first suggest the you define some of the things you talk about in your poem. What is this 'light' you speak of in line 2? A real light; a metaphoric light(the soul's light)? You liken 'her' as being a cloud at the end of your poem, so why are your descriptions of her so un-cloud-like, but more at human characteristics? The 'you' can only be 'desired' by the 'I', but not reachable, right? But you have this contradiction in line two where the syntax makes it seem as though the 'I' has an affect on the 'you' of your poem. If the 'you,' 'had yet to feel,' then how did the 'I' get rescued? These are just some inital impressions of mine and should help your poem become more concise. I have some more comments by will let you reply to these first, if you like.

[metalhead]

hi ktd22 well first of all thx for comments :) then well u r right the poem is bit messed up in uderstanding...u see in the second line the light is surely metaphorical...then u gotta know this poem is about a girl which i know i could have but far so not reachable but still her eyes (methaphoric) my light thaw cuz her presence is iwth me although i've never seen her (line4)
and about the cloud well it's surely hard to get cuz the poem is not well structured maybe...but the cloud and the her i refer to in the second part is life which made us far... :) not anymore the girl u could understand that cahnging of subject by this line(a glowing shore still so apart,above where i shall flee but CANNOT)
ater tihs the poem is bout wndering of who's resposable of this pain (life or destiny which in here is represented by her in the second part of the poem ,while thee,thou thy and even the title is oh you so i thought it was easy understandable that all referred to you is about the girl )
the poem is not much bout how i got rescued...but let's say is first part :contemplation although the girl is far is not a matter
second part:the i realises the girl is far and starts wondering who's responsable and asks life if she hears but understand just who i am talking bout in the last line "tis called life cloud"
the cloud rapresents the bad side of life it wouldn't have been correct i think to say just life if not it would have been a contraddiction maybe anyways guess that's all...cheers and thx for comments hope u'll post other advices later on :)