First Sonnet attempt . . . feedback would be nice. :)

[zanna]

I tried to keep it Shakespeare-style, but don't know much about iambic pentameter. It's weird, but see what y'all think:

The days aren't quite as bright when you're gone.
Vision filled with clouds, I wish you were near
I wish away, and with all my heart long
For some great miracle, yet I am here
Without you. I know not to what i owe
This, but ask sincerely, why have you,
So dear a friend in days gone by, let go?
Please, I cannot think of what to do!
Perhaps I said something you cared not for?
Was it my letter (I thought it too bold)?
Maybe not that at all. Then something more?
Did my friendliness cause you to grow cold?
Whatever 'twas, if anything, regret
it I do. Might a second chance I get?

Was thinking of a lost friend, wondering what happened that caused us to drift apart, don't know how else to ask. Yay poetry, saying things you couldn't normally. Anyhoo, any suggestions?

[Virgil]

Actually I kind of liked it. A little rough in spots. "regret/it I do" The inverting of natural word order (for the rhyme I assume) makes it a stilted. Also "Vision filled with clouds" is cliche-ish ("I can see clearly now the rain has gone"). But these lines are so smooth and sincere that they work beautifully:

....I wish you were near
I wish away, and with all my heart long
For some great miracle, yet I am here
Without you. I know not to what i owe
This, but ask sincerely, why have you,
So dear a friend in days gone by, let go?
I like the closing couplet too, except for that inverted word order. It ends nicely with that question.

Needs a little work, but very nice. :)

[zanna]

Many thanks. I didn't really like the last couplet, either, but couldn't think of anything better at the time. It kinda sounds like Yoda, which ruins the mood, too. I will have to repost it after some edits. Anybody else?

[zanna]

New edition:

The days aren't as bright now that you're gone.
I recall good times and wish you were near.
I wish away, and with all my heart long
For some great miracle, yet I am here
Without you. I know not to what I owe
This, but ask sincerely, why have you,
So dear a friend in days gone by, let go?
Please, I cannot think of what to do!
Perhaps I said something you cared not for?
Or the letter I sent -- was it too bold?
Maybe not that at all. Then something more?
Just what was it that caused you to grow cold?
Whatever 'twas, if anything, I do
Regret it. Nothing is worth losing you.

[Virgil]

Yes, an imrovement and quite good. I'm not fond of that last line though. "Nothing is worth losing you." Also a cliched phrase. And a lttle overly emotional. I do think overall the poem is good.

[Pendragon]

Hi Zanna. The sonnet is nice and you are getting a feel for it. My own ideas of what makes a good sonnet may clash with what the other poets here will say, so if that is true, trust Virgil in matters of meter.

A sonnet should flow easily from one line to the next,
Nothing should ever be forced into fitting.
To deal with the words until they leave you tired and vexed,
Is a sure way to loose patience with sitting.
Say the words from your heart and not from your mind,
For the heart is the seat of a Poet's true soul.
From there the cadence will flow into the rhyme,
And the beat will always just follow and grow.
Sing of things that are dear to you, share them with us—
Never think what you write is too dull.
The best thing about poetry, it gives us something to discuss:
"Is this line OK?" "Keep this one?" "That one is a cull..."
Form poetry is not quite so rigid that one may not make it ones own:
It is more of a guideline, a row down which then seedlings are sown


Pendragon http://smilies.vidahost.com/games/bof/dragons/fdragon.gif

[Virgil]

Hi Zanna. The sonnet is nice and you are getting a feel for it. My own ideas of what makes a good sonnet may clash with what the other poets here will say, so if that is true, trust Virgil in matters of meter.

A sonnet should flow easily from one line to the next,
Nothing should ever be forced into fitting.
To deal with the words until they leave you tired and vexed,
Is a sure way to loose patience with sitting.
Say the words from your heart and not from your mind,
For the heart is the seat of a Poet's true soul.
From there the cadence will flow into the rhyme,
And the beat will always just follow and grow.
Sing of things that are dear to you, share them with us—
Never think what you write is too dull.
The best thing about poetry, it gives us something to discuss:
"Is this line OK?" "Keep this one?" "That one is a cull..."
Form poetry is not quite so rigid that one may not make it ones own:
It is more of a guideline, a row down which then seedlings are sown


Pendragon http://smilies.vidahost.com/games/bof/dragons/fdragon.gif

Pen I like it. I would agree with everything there. :)

[zanna]

Thanks again, guys. I was wondering about the last part, also. The whole thing's a bit overdramatic for what I wrote it for, so now I'm going to work on toning it down.

Will post again when I come up with something. :)

[dramasnot6]

I love it zanna! Looks like youre a very sincere, serious writer and i deeply respect that :)
I love that poem Pen! I'm going to read it everytime i have writers block :D

[Pendragon]

Thanks, Drama. ;) I am hardly the sonnet Master here, there are many who write them well. I just write them a lttle differently than most, I suppose. Poem flow is always going to be the most important thing with me, regardless of form. Somehow things I don't think work or are even very good, like those "Echoes From the Edge" of mine seem to reach others. I think myself far behind poets like Virgil and Tal and Adil and so many others. But I'm glad you feel it can help writer's block! Thanks again! http://smilies.vidahost.com/ups/DeNiro/pray.gif

[zanna]

Another version, guys! I've been wanting to make it a little less dramatic, so see how you like it now.

The days aren't as bright now that you're gone.
I recall good times and wish you were near.
I wish away, and with all my heart long
To have those days again, yet I am here
Without you. I know not to what I owe
This, but ask sincerely, why have you,
So dear a friend in days gone by, let go?
I know we weren't stuck together with glue . . .
Perhaps I said something you cared not for?
Or the letter I sent -- was it too bold?
Maybe neither of those. Then something more?
Just what was it that caused you to grow cold?
Whatever 'twas, if anything, I do
Regret it. Might we not be friends anew?

Does the last line make sense? All the things I'm coming up with seem cheesy, so I might have to sit that one out a while, until I find something I like (that fits).

[Pendragon]

Another version, guys! I've been wanting to make it a little less dramatic, so see how you like it now.

The days aren't as bright now that you're gone.
I recall good times and wish you were near.
I wish away, and with all my heart long
To have those days again, yet I am here
Without you. I know not to what I owe
This, but ask sincerely, why have you,
So dear a friend in days gone by, let go?
I know we weren't stuck together with glue . . .
Perhaps I said something you cared not for?
Or the letter I sent -- was it too bold?
Maybe neither of those. Then something more?
Just what was it that caused you to grow cold?
Whatever 'twas, if anything, I do
Regret it. Might we not be friends anew?

Does the last line make sense? All the things I'm coming up with seem cheesy, so I might have to sit that one out a while, until I find something I like (that fits).I love the flow of your first four lines. The next four stiffen just a bit, but are still good. I would change "Perhaps I said something you cared not for?" into maybe Was it something I said you didn't care for? The last two lines... hummm.


I am filled with regret, tell me what must I do
To start over again and build our friendship anew


These are only suggestions! Never let another poet change your mind if you feel you are right! http://smilies.vidahost.com/contrib/xerx/MODhappyjaz.gif

[zanna]

Yet another whack at it. :D

The days aren't quite as bright now that you're gone.
I recall good times and wish you were near.
I wish away, and with all my heart long
To have those days again, yet I am here

Without you. I know not to what I owe
This, but ask sincerely, why have you,
So dear a friend in days gone by, let go?
I know we weren't stuck together with glue . . .

Perhaps I said something you cared not for . . .
Or the letter I sent -- was it too bold?
Maybe neither of those . . . but something more?
Just what was it that caused you to grow cold?

Whatever 'twas, if anything, I am
Regretting it. Could we be friends again?

Pen, thanks for the suggestions. I liked them, that's the problem. But maybe I can explain what's happening . . . The first set is (me) remembering, then I wonder what happened. The third set is me trying to guess what went wrong, but still stumped. That's why it sounds different . . . I'm alternately thinking to myself, and asking him. And you see I changed the last part again.

[Pendragon]

Yet another whack at it. :D

The days aren't quite as bright now that you're gone.
I recall good times and wish you were near.
I wish away, and with all my heart long
To have those days again, yet I am here

Without you. I know not to what I owe
This, but ask sincerely, why have you,
So dear a friend in days gone by, let go?
I know we weren't stuck together with glue . . .

Perhaps I said something you cared not for . . .
Or the letter I sent -- was it too bold?
Maybe neither of those . . . but something more?
Just what was it that caused you to grow cold?

Whatever 'twas, if anything, I am
Regretting it. Could we begin again?

Pen, thanks for the suggestions. I liked them, that's the problem. But maybe I can explain what's happening . . . The first set is (me) remembering, then I wonder what happened. The third set is me trying to guess what went wrong, but still stumped. That's why it sounds different . . . I'm alternately thinking to myself, and asking him. And you see I changed the last part again.And you are doing just fine, Zanna. The sonnet will stand on its own, because it is YOURS. Your voice, your feelings, your expression of those feelings. I hope that you don't feel you must try so hard to make the feeling fit the form. Let the feelings flow as you feel them to be. Then when you are satisfied, you have your poem! Don't worry about the rest of the world's reaction. This was my final advice: These are only suggestions! Never let another poet change your mind if you feel you are right! and I'll stick by that. This isn't a group project, it's your sonnet. And I love it. The final lines are fine. But you don't need me to tell you that. You need to tell yourself. http://smilies.vidahost.com/games/poke/yamato.gif

[brainstrain]

Ok, sonnet is hard. It's just a fact. I had to write some in english last year whilst reading "Romeo and Juliet". My family has come to the conclusion the plays should be acted, not read...

Anyway, I too found that the constant inversion of word order made it a bit hard to read. Not much you can do about that though...

Anyway, like Pendragon said, its your poem, not ours. I think its very good, very moving. At the begging of the fall semester I had several friends like this...I have reconnected (I can't afford to lose what few people I have found that can tolerate me), but your poem still hit a chord with me.

Fantastic Job!

[zanna]

Brainstrain, word order inversion? I thought I had got rid of most of it . . . did you read post #13? That's the latest version. Ooh. Just reread it, and I can see how you'd think that. I'm so used to it by now, I don't think about it. Thanks for pointing that out.

Glad you like it, and yeah, I can really relate to that feeling. And this is a person I don't want to lose, but it was way too darn easy to drift apart! :(
Glad you were able to reconnect with your friends, tho. Workin' on it.

[zanna]

Thanks for feedback everybody. Probably see him tomorrow. We'll see how that goes *nervous*. yay sonnets, tho, I'll have to write another one soon. Or maybe polish this one up.

[barneythebear]

Well done! Keep at it - I love sonnets, esp the Petrarchan, Italian and English varieties. Your beat goes astray though, and must be 10 to the line with the stress on each second beat. Fiendishly difficult in English but easier in Italian, I am assured.
For an example of the English sonnet - with proper use of iambic pentameter, you'll find an example of mine in the poetry section.

barneythebear

[dumwitliteratur]

i luv the sonnet and it came out very well but as Pen said...it's your poem and when you feel it is right, leave it like that. You chose how you want it to sound and it's what you feel, not what anyone else feels. Good job on the sonnet and lots of luck on the next! Hope all turns out well with your friend!

Let me know what you think of a little poem that i wrote...thanks!

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?p=367474#post367474