What you think of this poem?

[Gozeta]

"Freed from Darkness"

The Sun goes down,
And darkness wears the crown.
It sits on it's throne,
Commanding every flesh and bone.
Our bodies start to crave. . .
And they become enslaved.
Darkness comes and brings pain.
While our anger grows within our vains.
Everyday Darkness laughs within thier own shadows.
Forever dripping blood from every single cattle.
When our chains tighten up on us.
We cry out "Who will save us?"
Then we see some kind of Light.
It brings warmth, comfort, and it's so bright.
The Light rises and Darkness runs away.
Yes, that same Darkness that was in our way.
Our bodies are set free
And the Light, just lets us be.
So, the shadow is in a corner, ever still.
From now on, we have our own WILL.

by Edil R. Irizarry
Tell me what you think?

[Gozeta]

Can anyone give me advise at all? I want to be able to right good poems. What are some helpful hints?

[azmuse]

well, i like "anger grows within our vains." am not sure if it is supposed to be veins as in blood vessels, or vains as in vanity, but if the latter, it definitely works and is clever and quite accurate...

[Dyrwen]

Starts off dark, ends in the light.

A bit simplified, seems like a lot more could've been done with it. The start was good and deep but the end kept getting a bit too obvious in it's imagery.

Started with too much metaphor, ended with too much realism. That's about all I noticed, outside of "vain" being spelled "vein."

[Helga]

I liked it poems don't always need to be conventional. It brings hope, and I think that poetry should reflect emotions, and It shouldn't matter if threre are many metaphors or not. It can use some work but all amateur poems can. I just wish I could end my poetry with some hope..