A Couple of Short Poems

[atiguhya padma]

Love and the Sea

Up from the rocks the sea-drops leap
Filled with the Ocean's energy
Eyes that seek their love to keep
Shall have no solace from the Sea
But those who seek a love that's free
Shall share the Ocean's mystery

September Dreams

I, late one Thursday evening
Towards the end of summer
Lay in a field dreaming
Of one who was my lover

Til the Sun fell out of the sky.
As the light began to die
I heard a skylark cry

In a sad and plaintive way
To me he seemed to say
"All things must pass away".

[GimmyDiamond]

LOVE September Dreams . . . even that you picked Thursday . . . no other day fits . . . perfect, same with September . . .
And Love and the Sea . . . I guess I won't share the ocean's mystery . . .
Nice writing . . .

[Triskele]

nice, i do like such relaxing poetry

[atiguhya padma]

Thanks for your comments. Much appreciated.

On re-reading these poems, I was surprised at the apt potency of the last line of September Dreams, which seems uncannily pertinent for me at the moment.

[dyingflame]

great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg :D i wish i could write so powerfully! yes and that happens sometimes to me 2..you read a poem later and see something else in it that you didn't "think" about while writing it

[NDL]

Love and the Sea

Up from the rocks the sea-drops leap
Filled with the Ocean's energy
Eyes that seek their love to keep
Shall have no solace from the Sea
But those who seek a love that's free
Shall share the Ocean's mystery

Comments: I'd be careful of using too much assonance (internal rhyme) e.g. "seek" and "keep" in the same line draws too much attention without giving us anything valuable. What about "Eyes that strive their love to keep," which pushes the assonance back to "eyes" and "strive." I think you can find a better word than "energy" ("energy and "mystery" are weak rhymes, they suck the life out of your poem) You could reverse the last line to "Shall share the mystery of the deep," making the rhyme on deep instead of "energy." and "free." Nice poem but needs work.

September Dreams

I, late one Thursday evening
Towards the end of summer
Lay in a field dreaming
Of one who was my lover

Til the Sun fell out of the sky.
As the light began to die
I heard a skylark cry

In a sad and plaintive way
To me he seemed to say
"All things must pass away".

Comments

The convolutions of the first stanza jars. Subordinate clauses and subject split from very weakens the impact. There are a few stronger approaches

aabb rhyme
Late one Thursday evening
I Lay in a field dreaming
Towards the end of summer
Of one who was my lover

abab rhyme
Late one Thursday evening
Towards the end of summer
I lay in a field dreaming
Of one who was my lover

etc etc. There are a few other approaches you could try

suggestion: don't complicate things. let the lines flow.

The rest. You rhyme scheme here is aaa followed by aaa, and you end stop the third line of the first stanza, creating a line that jars with the rest. "I heard a skylark cry" and "To me he seemed to say." Try "from" instead "out of." You could mix the two, and smooth it out a little, building up momentum to your final line.

Til the Sun fell from the sky.
And I heard a skylark cry
In a sad and plaintive way
As the light began to die
And to me he seemed to say
"All things must pass away".

aababb is a more interesting and sophisticated rhyme sceme, and your rhymes here are monysyllabic and much stronger. I have pedded two lines with "and" to smoother the metre and increase the flow. Again, a little work to be done. The theme of mutability is so common in poetry, as common as love itself, that it needs to be treated with caution to avoid it appearing cliched.
Gulls cry, but skylarks sing. When was the last time you listened? Is the song of the skylark sad? I don't think so. It's supposed to be one of the happiest sound sin nature. I think you're the first poet to find it sad. However, it could be a reflection of your own mood or anxiety.