Memory (venting part 2)

[kathycf]

Ok, I thought maybe it might help me to put my revisions in their own thread.
Here is the original:


It is almost like a dream...
Thunk! A loud somehow hollow noise
a nail driven into a fragile little arm
faraway a child screams

I will not remember
I will not remember
Blood rushes to my face
I remember

Based on advice I received I made the following revisions:

A hollow noise
Child's thudding heart
The mist of a dream
yet the memory remains
Nail embedded in fragile arm

This is preliminary of course, since the writer's block thing I wrote about before is alive and kicking. Comments and suggestions are of course welcome.

[Virgil]

I'm a little confused, Kathy. Are you replacing the entire poem in the quote box with that stanza or replacing one of the stanzas or adding that stanza to the others?

[kathycf]

I am replacing the quoted poem with the one below it, based on some advice given in the original thread I had. Maybe I should have left them together, but I thought it might be clearer this way. If it isn't too much trouble (but maybe it is) perhaps folks might want to read the original thread (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17249) as well. (Please and Thank you!) Bah, who am I kidding. I am not that great a writer to warrant that. :(

[Pendragon]

Kat, never sell yourself short. You often gave me this advice, take a dose of the same courage. Pain expressed makes fine poetry. http://www.cosgan.de/images/kao/tiere/a025.gif