Wheat Field with Crows

[piquant]

I want to get together some poems and short stories to submit to my university's literary journal, and I was thinking about using this poem. What do you think? Yea or Nay?



Wheat Field with Crows


The wheat smells hearty,
Like wooden spoons,
Hoof-packed dirt,
And steak from the backyard cow—
Wheat is grown for this smell;
“Hooo-ee!”
The hoyden fields holler.

But it’s the crows, and the
Rasping-breath-of-old-men-
Weary-bruised-
Salty-starving-tear blue sky
That token death,
Death swarming the honey fields.

Angled wings scrawl
Black thought
Against the gold grains,
And soul-fiends’ crazed
Cawing claims,
Demands and conquers.
Bone-talons search and stick—
Preying
Preying

I'm not too sure how I feel about this poem, myself. Do you think it's too alliterative, and overdone? Does having the lines in the first stanza end-stopped, and the lines in the second and third stanzas enjambed cause a sense of chaos with the introduction of the crows? If you had never seen Van Gogh's painting could you picture what the poem was describing? Does the poem at all capture the emotion a person feels when looking at the painting?
Overall, I give it a rating of blah.

Thanks for whatever help you can give me (god knows I need it!).
Be brutal, I don't want to attach my name to garbage.

[fayefaye]

I liked the first stanza, but not the second and third so much.... Yes, I think it did cause sort of a sense of chaos. I haven't seen the painting, though, so I don't know what it feels like to look at it. I could pretty much picture what the poem was describing anyway.

[Jayyy]

I like the first stanza, and I like how the second stanza twists a calm environment into a hectic and dark mess.

[ihrocks]

Anyone not familiar with the painting might check out this link:

http://www.vangoghgallery.com/painting/p_0779.htm

I think piquant made an excellent effort to capture this complex work in words.

ihrocks

[azmuse]

hey, sorry for not commenting earlier, know you have a deadline. i've been to the philly museum of art a few times with a close friend ( she's an eng. major almost through with grad. school), and people always think we're art majors - we talk a lot - commenting, appreciating, trying to figure out what the HECK the artist was trying to convey (sound familiar? ;)) but really for me it's because i haven't a clue - anyway, this sounds good, for what it's worth - don't know if you've closed your eyes already: you got a lot more from this than i (c)(w)ould've.
it really helped that ihrocks put up the link - you might want to do that for yourself if you post about paintings again.

[piquant]

Yeah, thanks Ihrocks for the site with the painting.

That painting has always been one of my favorites. When I look at it, it makes me feel that the fields are happy and vivacious, but then the crows swoop down from the clouded sky. It gives me the chills everytime I see it. It reminds me of the fear you feel at the first stage of depression. When you know what's coming and your scared, but you can't stop the crows from swooping down.

That's cool that you get mistaken for art students, I consider being mistaken for an art student a compliment. The philly museum of art is definately one of my favorites.

Last time I was there, me and a friend got there too late and it was already closed, but all the lights were on outside and it was just getting dark. We swam in the fountain at the top of the Rocky steps, then walked behind the museum to the rocks overlooking the river. Now that I think about it, it's a miracle we didn't get caught.