Anxiety.

[Ice.Caliber]

Anxiety.

You wake in the night,
Those troubled times,
They linger within the mind.

Your feelings caged,
There's no escape,
Not a ray of light you find.

And from the darkness,
There come a laugh,
Dripping, so derisive.

The laugh it strikes,
Masticating darkness,
Its desired effect corrosive.

The night boils down,
Shadows fade away,
You're left with a quiet, eerie.

The dawn it blooms,
Flowers before your eyes,
Your soul, unsettled, weary.

~Missy

Written not too long ago... But it was for a refridgerator magnet word poetry game.. I was given eight words to use and molest to my liking :yawnb:

Hope you enjoyed it.

Comments?

[kathycf]

I really like the last lines you use, very evocative. I think "You're left with a quiet, eerie", might work better without the "a". Just my opinion but that "a" seems awkward. Maybe this: "You're left with quiet, eerie." Or even "Nothing but quiet, eerie".

[Ice.Caliber]

That sounds good, I'll try it. Thank you.

[Dr Eep]

Ice.Caliber wrote;
"And from the darkness,
There come a laugh,
Dripping, so derisive.

The laugh it strikes,
Masticating darkness,
Its desired effect corrosive."

OH NO!! I've just managed to start sleeping again after watching the movie "The exorcism of Emily Rose" about a month ago and now you go and write something like that!!:crash: :D

Jokes aside - I really enjoyed this poem and the image i've highlighted is very dark and scary which means you were successful in getting your point across!

The partial respite that came with morning was a stroke of genius too - because there's another night coming!

[Ice.Caliber]

Yes, Dr Eep, those were my favorite lines also. :)

[genoveva]

it was for a refridgerator magnet word poetry game.. I was given eight words to use and molest to my liking

Comments?

Sounds like a fun game. When writing poetry, I was always taught not to use "you" or "your" or even "I". Saying you in a poem is considered rude, by some; it's like pointing a finger. If you wanted to re-write, try eliminating the you's and your's. You might find that it is a stronger poem.

[kathycf]

Using pronouns such as "you" and "I" is rude?

[dramasnot6]

that was really good! that description that gets progerrisively vivid is a really good way of illustrating the topic and creating a mood.

[genoveva]

Using pronouns such as "you" and "I" is rude?

It can be considered that. In my opinion, I think the poem could be stronger if it was re-written without these pronouns. Just a suggstion that has been passed on to me in my poetry experiences...

[brainstrain]

Rude? Really? In my experience, if you have to point out to the general public that something is rude, then it isn't. Not to them.

Yes, that is a generalization, but still. being offended because a poem says "you" is being entirely too sensitive.

I am, however, am not and try not to claim to be an experienced poet (sometimes i can't help myself). I do not mean to insult your opinion, though i do agree that the poem would be stronger if they were replaced. Just making a point =P

[Ice.Caliber]

If the "you" were changed to a "He/She".. would it make it a bit better you think? Or is this still 'rude'? Would be a shame to change the whole poem.. But I will attempt anyways.

[kathycf]

It can be considered that. In my opinion, I think the poem could be stronger if it was re-written without these pronouns. Just a suggstion that has been passed on to me in my poetry experiences...
Oh, ok. I was just questioning because I had never heard of that before. Thanks.

If the "you" were changed to a "He/She".. would it make it a bit better you think? Or is this still 'rude'? Would be a shame to change the whole poem.. But I will attempt anyways.
Er, I don't know if he/she would work. I am sorry not to have a suggestion to go along with that remark, but...

You wake in the night,
Those troubled times,
They linger within the mind.
"She awoke in the night"... I don't know if that has the same sort of impact or not. Maybe "Awake in the night" would work if you decide to get rid of pronouns completely.

[Ice.Caliber]

Anxiety.

Awake in the night,
Those troubled times,
They linger within the mind.

Feelings are caged,
There's no escape,
Not a ray of light to find.

And from the darkness,
There come a laugh,
Dripping, so derisive.

The laugh it strikes,
Masticating darkness,
Its desired effect corrosive.

The night boils down,
Shadows fade away,
Nothing but quiet, eerie.

The dawn it blooms,
Flowers; efflorescing.
The soul, unsettled, weary.

~Missy


I still feel a bit odd at the change of this line

"Not a ray of light to find. "

But I will look at it a bit more... Maybe try and fit another stanza in there.

[kathycf]

I think that genoveva gave some very good advice re: dropping the pronouns. It does make the poem flow better, but I still can't agree that use of pronouns iin general is rude. Anyway, the end result is stronger as was pointed out. :thumbs_up

The dawn it blooms,
Flowers before your eyes,
Your soul, unsettled, weary.
I lke the lines here in the original post. I think it could be changed like so:
"The dawn it blooms--Flowers before the eyes--a soul, unsettled, weary."

[sanctus]

Anxiety.

You wake in the night,
Those troubled times,
They linger within the mind.

Your feelings caged,
There's no escape,
Not a ray of light you find.

And from the darkness,
There come a laugh,
Dripping, so derisive.

The laugh it strikes,
Masticating darkness,
Its desired effect corrosive.

The night boils down,
Shadows fade away,
You're left with a quiet, eerie.

The dawn it blooms,
Flowers before your eyes,
Your soul, unsettled, weary.

~Missy

Written not too long ago... But it was for a refridgerator magnet word poetry game.. I was given eight words to use and molest to my liking :yawnb:

Hope you enjoyed it.

Comments?

And molest them you did.....

[Ice.Caliber]

And molest them you did.....

Is that a good thing?