Hello, I wrote a poem for my girlfreind please comment

[hotgoatlove]

kinda long and I'm not really a good writer I am trying though just give me true honest thoughts o and its called 100% of my heart

teenage love,
its an idea people throw away with a shove,

A lie they proclaim,
but my hearts inflamed,

you see the one and you know,
she must be yours however so,

there is just this warm sense that I get,
sometimes it can make me sweat,

you start to feel sick,
the air get heavy and thick,

until you mutter the words,
even though it sounds absurd,

I love you Tessa Levesque!,
these words your heart must not deflect,

she just simply stays there and smiles,
even though the distance is many miles,

I know its worth the wait,
Until the solid memories we will create,

maybe hate,
if that is so our fate,

But what my heart sees differs from the latter,
it see years and years of talk and chatter,

Until YOu lie by my death bed,
and with the last breath i said,

"Tessa I love you with all my heart,
your beautiful talented funny and smart,

we meet whilst still young,
but on the edge my love for you hung,

through the thick and thin,
the odd the even,

we might have not had the best of chances,
we might not have been rich and owned ranches,

but I love you dearly,
all i want to say is merely,

thank you,
my love was true,

many years we spent together
in all seasons and weather,

but a life without you couldn't't be better,
we were like birds of a feather"

I might have died that cold winters night,
but in your heart and mind you sight,

I was worth it in the end,
and that your love for me was not pretend,

This story isn't sorrow,
it was just a man expressing his love when he had no tomorrow,

and Id do that for you Tess,
just make the choice and don't expect less,
then 100% of my heart

[dramasnot6]

aww that was very touching. Im sure whoever you wrote it for is a very lucky person.

[Turk]

If you want to lose a girl friend, just write poems for her.

[kathycf]

I think that depends on the girl. Some girls are really touched by poetry. I like the poem, but I found the two line layout pretty choppy. If it was me, I would prune it down, and try to make it "flow" better. I know that may seem hard at first, but I think you can do it. It is very sweet though.

[MissJaneEyre19]

i think it's incredibly sweet, and i'm sure your girlfriend will love it. the quality of the writing is not important in this case; all that matters is that you're being honest about your feelings and you're writing about a girl that you really love. very cute, good luck!

[dramasnot6]

If you want to lose a girl friend, just write poems for her.

what? thats not true at all. at least for every single female i know including myself. Poems from the heart are the best poems of all, and unless youre writing something innapropriate or hateful, love poems are a wonderful way of touching someone's soul. like ones love would be so great that it would serve as a muse.

And i agree with Ms.JaneEyre! love blinds a critical eye

[OZEED]

If nothing else, I think you've gone miles farther than most of our kind would go, so good on you bro. Its generally very difficult for guys to articulate their feeling.
with regards to the structure of the poem, I also found it to be quite choppy, which gave it a sense that you were trying a bit to hard to make it ryhme.
I would suggest taking each of those two line stanza's and building on that.For example, you mention a specific idea in each stanza....

teenage love,
its an idea people throw away with a shove,

ok, the idea above is how people take teenage love as something not very serious, frivolous almost.
Now what you can do is build around that idea, give it more depth,meat, explore different perceptions that people have.

In a time where everything is so far paced and artificial, I think it is rather stupendous of you to take the time and effort(posting on this forum to get feedback) to write to your sweetheart.
Well we can only hope that there are still women out there that appreciate our dapper efforts. Hats off to you Sir

[brainstrain]

Touching. It really is pleasent to step away from my turbulent life full of selfish people doing selfish things, with myself doing all i can do avoid that same selfish fate, and see someone do something from the heart...

It is a bit choppy, and if you write another one try mixing up the rhyme scheme, but all that really matters is that you meant it. Just like all the above said. All the people on this forum are quite smart i've found =D

[grace86]

Love poems make every girl mushy...I know they make me mushy...can't you just hear me saying "awwww"

Your poem was very sweet and I do applaud you at having written a poem for your girl. A lot of guys don't do that, and she will completely love it I am sure.

It seems a little choppy, um, I know nothing about poetry though. You are presenting different ideas in every stanza, and I like how with every stanza you are basically explaining another way in which you love her...oh, but pet peeve of mine, can you please capitalize where it's necessary? :p

But I think you've got wonderful things to say and it was a very beautiful way of expressing your heart.

[trismegistus]

As others have said, you're trying to cover too much ground here. Since your central message is "I love you," take one of the ideas in this and develop it into its own poem. (This means basically throwing away what you've got here, so I don't know if you want to do it.) Personally I'd go with your closing bit about the cold night. It offers all kinds of opportunity for contrast: cold/warmth, dark/light, sleep/wakefulness, death/life, etc.

Lesser stuff:
Get rid of archaic diction like "whilst." It sounds very false in a poem where the rest of the diction is casual and contemporary.

Dump the cliches like "birds of a feather," "all my heart," and "hearts inflamed.[sic]" Phrases like this are so overused that they carry no impact; they strike no emotional chord. If this girl means to you what you say, take the time to craft this expression of your love into something that makes her FEEL love.

[brainstrain]

As others have said, you're trying to cover too much ground here. Since your central message is "I love you," take one of the ideas in this and develop it into its own poem. (This means basically throwing away what you've got here, so I don't know if you want to do it.) Personally I'd go with your closing bit about the cold night. It offers all kinds of opportunity for contrast: cold/warmth, dark/light, sleep/wakefulness, death/life, etc.

Dump the cliches like "birds of a feather," "all my heart," and "hearts inflamed.[sic]" Phrases like this are so overused that they carry no impact; they strike no emotional chord. If this girl means to you what you say, take the time to craft this expression of your love into something that makes her FEEL love.

There is nothing wrong with "all my heart" but the rest is...cliched. not so much overused, as I rarely hear the terms myself.

the first part is true (and yes, i'm contradicting my earlier post). It matters the most that its from the heart, but a well thought out and worked on poem would be appreciated more. Give her something should would be proud to show to her friends.

[sanctus]

This story isn't sorrow,
it was just a man expressing his love when he had no tomorrow,

and Id do that for you Tess,
just make the choice and don't expect less,
then 100% of my heart


My impression of this piece is it's lack of flow and style. It reads as if you were trying to fit a rhyme scheme into it without any regard for content or flow. These are chief in any piece of poetry-that in reading it there is a flow. In this piece, as a reader, I began to lose track of whatever you were trying to say and instead just jumbled around your rhymes. I would re-write this, and avoid forcing a rhyme into it. Write exactly how you feel! Never mind trying to use an outmoded style of poetry. The fact is, if you must use rhymes, all the other little nasty rules of that style must come into play as well:-)

[huck_finn]

If you want to lose a girl friend, just write poems for her.

this is very absurd. I don't agree with these! Poems are ways to express ones love to another. The poem is great. Not all men can write a poem. It takes one to have a talent in order to write a poem.:flare:

[sanctus]

this is very absurd. I don't agree with these! Poems are ways to express ones love to another. The poem is great. Not all men can write a poem. It takes one to have a talent in order to write a poem.:flare:

Not all women can write a poem either, my friend. That is why we have artists in our society!

[Turk]

If a girl really likes his bf write for her poems then there's different possibilities;

1. She's an angel.
2. She's a moron. (sometimes moron people may look like smart though)
3. She's really ugly.

Otherwise she'll definetely leave you. :) A man should do different things than writing a poem to make a girl dependent to himself. :)

[Laindessiel]

WHATEVER ARE YOU GUYS THINKING ABOUT A MAN MAKING A POEM FOR A GIRL THAT HE LOVES? Listen to this: The man loves the girl. He creates a poem for her girl that contains his feelings towards her. He actually MADE time for it. In the first place, just THINKING of making it will make the other guys flee from the time consumption and brain-drain that they will get during. The man loves her girl enough to THINK about her! And a brave man he is! :thumbs_up:

Please don't make assumptions and theories as to how a girl should have to feel when she wants her man to do something for her. Besides, HotGoatLove (buddy, your name is too melodramatic. You are obviously in love.:)) didn't mention anything about her girl asking him to do it for her! He did it for himself, for his (and his girl's) emotional contentment.

Let's not judge each other this way please.....:thumbs_up:?

To HotGoatLove: I have to agree with what the above posters have said 'bout your poem. Poems have to have a certain flow to it that makes it endearing (especially if it is concerning Love) for it to make an impact in the heart. Your poem was okay but it just needs a little tweaking here and there, capitalizations on the first letters of stanzas, combining some lines together, and you're off!

Go sweep that girl off her feet!