Will anyone please critisize my college application essay? & suggest ways to improve

[inck243]

Hello :)

I have been writing an essay to go along with my college application, and it needs to be really good because my GPA is 2.8 and it needs to be 3.0, and my SAT scores are just a little bit under what they should be. lol but thats not the point of this topic, i was hoping that some people could read and suggest ways of which i could improve the essay.

So! question that i answer in the essay is this:
Discuss your academic interest and career goals, and describe your view of how BSC (the college) can facilitate your sucess.

And here is my essay with the latest revisions that i have done:



Out of every one of my past career interests and ideas, the one has always stuck is commercial aviation; I have always been interested in it! I can’t think of one time where I have not been excited to board an airliner even if it was a 14 hour flight! I want to be a pilot when I graduate college because of my love for flying and interest in aircraft. I love every aspect of flying; the pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway and the jet engine noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are started are just only a few aspects that make me love flying. I also love everything about an aircraft; the appearance, instruments, controls and systems that all work together to control the flight adds to my extreme interest in aircraft. The complex systems and instruments that make the flight successful are amazing to me. When watching aviation videos online, I love all the sounds of the flight deck together with the sounds of the engines when a pilot has performed a perfect landing, an emotion of amazement takes over my mind. I love aircraft and I would love to operate one as a job.

My academic interests mostly involve aviation, but there are other subjects that I am interested in such as web, graphic, and 3D graphic design; however I learned all of these skills by teaching myself. I have made several websites in the past, and currently upkeep one website that offers free custom content for the computer game The Sims 2. By managing my website I can practice all of my computer design skills: 3D, graphic and web. In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, because of their affluence in details which are difficult to interpret without reading well. Being motivated to do so and answering questions based on the reading correctly is what made them so enjoyable for me, and made English class one of my academic interests. My main academic interest however is aviation. I would be extremely excited to be able to study this subject academically, I always like to know how complex systems work, especially in aircraft. I am interested in learning more about aircraft systems such as GPWS (Ground Proximity Warning System), and RA (resolutition advisory) systems because of how interesting they are to me. I want to know everything about commercial airliners. I want to know how all of the systems and instruments work on an airliner, what they do, and how to control them. I am intrigued to know what every switch and button does on an airliner. I am hungry to learn everything that Bridgewater State College can teach me from the aviation major!
Bridgewater has an amazing aviation program that I am completely interested in studying. After comparing different schools, I strongly believe that if I graduate with my education from Bridgewater State College, I will have an advantage over most people when entering the work force in the aviation industry. The aviation training program as a degree is exactly what I need to prepare me for my career life. I am determined that Bridgewater State College can deliver me to my success as best as I manage it to, and can fulfill my goals of becoming successful in the commercial aviation industry through their outstanding aviation program.

(end)

So, this is only the body. Its already 579 words. The last paragraph may be able to be used as a conclusion, but i don't know -- would you recomend against this?

Also, i need an intro!! how would you go about intorducing this essay?
I don't want to summarize the essay in the intro, because i read about how to write a college essay and most of them say don't summarize in your intro or conclusion. So i was thinking maybe something like my first flight and how i discovered that i want to be a pilot? i dont know, i need ideas on that lol.

So yeah :) any things to improve on that stand out to you?

Thank you very much for reading this long post!! lol i will take all help with very much gratitude :)

Thank you!!

[cuppajoe_9]

I don't normally do this sort of thing, you understand, but seeing as you need it to get into college, I'll make an exception.

In general, I think it's pretty well written. The introduction is fine as it's written now. I would move everything you have written in the second paragraph about your interest in comercial aviation into the first paragraph, as the way you have it now looks rather disorganized. How many words is the essay supposed to be?

Some specific stylistic changes I would make:

Out of every one of my past career interests and ideas, the one has always stuck is commercial aviation; I have always been interested in it!I would remove everything in red, as it is a bit awkward to read.
I want to be a pilot when I graduate college because of my love for flying and interest in aircraft. I love every aspect of flying; the pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway and the jet engine noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are started are just only a few aspects that make me love flying.That bit strikes me as redundant. It can go.
I love aircraft and I would love to operate one as a job.Colleges prefer it when you say 'career'.
My academic interests mostly involve aviation, but there are other subjects that I am interested in such as web, graphic, and 3D graphic design; however I learned all of these skills by teaching myself.This should be its own sentence. You don't want them to read it just as an afterthought, as it's quite an impressive bit of information.
. In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby, To Kill a Mockingbird, because of their affluence in details which are difficult to interpret without reading well.The first comma is unnescisary, you forgot the word 'and', and the titles of books get underlined or italicized. P.S. I am infinitely jealous that you got to read The Great Gatsby in high school.
I am determined that Bridgewater State College can deliver me to my success as best as I manage it to, and can fulfill my goals of becoming successful in the commercial aviation industry through their outstanding aviation program.'Their' should be either 'your' or 'its'.

Good luck with your aplication:).

[RobinHood3000]

A few criticisms after reading the first paragraph...


I can’t think of one time where I have not been excited to board an airliner, (there should be a comma here) even if it was a 14 hour flight! I want to be a pilot when I graduate college (the fact that you're applying college implies you're going, and nobody applies expecting to drop out -- you can eliminate this bit) because of my love for flying and interest in aircraft. I love every aspect of flying; (if you do eliminate the last part as cuppajoe suggests, this semicolon should be a colon) the pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway and the jet engine noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are started are just only a few aspects that make me love flying. I also love everything about an aircraft; the appearance, instruments, controls and systems that all work together to control the flight adds to my extreme interest in aircraft. The complex systems and instruments that make the flight successful are amazing to me (Ideally, you'll probably want to use active verbs when you can; you might want to change "are amazing to me" to "amaze me."). When watching aviation videos online, I love all the sounds of the flight deck together with the sounds of the engines when a pilot has performed a perfect landing (perhaps "landed perfectly" would be more concise), an emotion of (amazement is inherently an emotion -- you can take out "an emotion of) amazement takes over my mind. I love aircraft and I would love to operate one as a job.

[Pendragon]

I pretty much agree with Joe and Robin. The only difference is this:



I want to be a pilot when I graduate college because of my love for flying and interest in aircraft. I love every aspect of flying; The pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway, the jet engine noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are started are only a few aspects that make me love flying. The portion in red is what I would toss and start the sentence from where I have started it, also eliminating the word "and" and "just". Now you are enumerating the things you like about flying. Just a thought. Good luck! :)

[inck243]

Hi thank you everyone for helping!!

It dosen't say how long the essay should be, but i was under the impression that it should be short because the college admissions people read so many essays each day that they get bored of them. i dont know though, maybe if its well written they will enjoy reading it. so i dont know if length matters.

As for the paragraph merging, this is how i tried to organize the essay

intro (i still need to make one)
Body paragraph 1: my Career Interest (which is commercial aviation)
Body paragraph 2: My Academic interests (which feature english, self taught computer ish skills, and aviation) <- I have things to add to this: taking an algebra 2 course again at a higher (more advanced) to keep up math skills (cause i loose them fast lol)
Body paragraph 3: How BSC can deliver me to my sucess.
Conclusion

I want to "keep my paints sepirate" if you know what i mean lol.

Since the question is "discuss your career goals and academic interests..." I dont think i should merge the academic interests of aviation with the career interests/goals of aviation.
They are diferent because they explain why i like commercial aviation, but the academic part deals with what i want to learn about.
I think merging the avaiation into one big paragraph would get the essay off topic.
but do you agree? :)

I remade the first sentence of the paragraph to be:

Over the years there have been numerous career fields that I have been drawn to; however, the one that truly attracts me is commercial aviation. It has always been a constant interest of mine, and I have always loved to fly. I can’t think of one time where I have not been excited to board an airliner, even if it was for a 14 hour flight! I also have read lots of information about aircraft in my own time out of pure interest. It is my goal to become a pilot once I graduate from college because of my love for flying and interest in the aeronautical field.
(end)
So how does that look? :)

I think this would be a good body paragraph but not an intro because it dosen't include the whole topic of the essay. So i will need to really work out a whole new introduction paragraph i think, and do it some way to not make it sound redundant.

I'll do the other corrections soon too :)

SO thanks again everyone for helphing me out!!!

[RobinHood3000]

"Over the years" feels a bit cliched, and the sentence uses passive voice...the admissions officer will probably get dozens of essays starting with a similar sentence. It's important to hook their attention immediately -- try writing a different starting sentence to that end.

The second sentence is also passive -- you may like it better as "commercial aviation particularly attracts me" or something to that effect.

"Constant" and "always" are redundant -- you can do away with one of them, whichever you choose.

"Aeronautical field" is more concise as "aeronautics."


Sorry if I'm being curt, but I'm under a bit of stress lately...

[inck243]

ok thanks :) No problem lol

I re worded and made an intro! (not using the one i suggested earlier)

So, i know its kinda a stretch of an intro....but what do you think? I sorta think it gets the ball rolling lol. Do you think it grabs the interest of the reader? Thanks

Here is revision 3:

Many people need to travel far and wide for the education that is best for them. Luckily, this is not the case for me! Even though I love to travel, I am happy that the college with specific programs that are perfect for me is located about an hour away; in Bridgewater Massachusetts! Bridgewater State College offers a high standard of education that I know will prepare me for my adult working life, and lead me to my personal success. Of all my previous career interests and ideas, there is one that has always reoccurred in my brainstorming: commercial aviation. BSC can satisfy my hunger to learn about the field and is the key that can unlock not only my chances of achieving my career goals, but also leading a successful happy life.
My extreme interest in aviation heavily influences my career interest: a commercial airline pilot. As many people believe, you can’t succeed in aviation unless you have a strong passion for it. I have always loved to fly, and love aircraft themselves. I can’t think of one time where I have not been excited to board an airliner, even for a 14 hour flight returning from a perfect vacation! Everything about flying appeals to my senses; the pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway and lifts off, the jet engine spooling noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are being started are just a few examples. I also love everything about an aircraft itself; the appearance, and instruments, controls and systems that successfully drive the aircraft increase my interest in airliners. All of these aspects about aviation further strengthen my desire to become a pilot. When watching aviation videos online, the sounds of the flight deck together with the sounds of the engines while the pilot lands the aircraft perfectly all combine together into one strong feeling of awe that takes over my mind. I really love everything about flying and airliners, and want to operate them for my career.
My academic interests mostly involve everything about aviation, but there are other subjects that grasp my interest as well. Web, graphic, and 3D graphic design on the computer all motivate me. Even though I didn’t take any classes in these subjects at school or anywhere else, I have developed professional skills in these fields by experience and self-teaching. I have made several websites in the past, and currently upkeep one website that offers free custom content for the computer game, The Sims 2. By managing this website, I can practice all of my computer design skills: 3D, graphic and web. In high school, I enjoyed reading novels such as The Great Gatsby and To Kill a Mockingbird. Their affluence in details are difficult to interpret without reading well. I was motivated by this challenge to read carefully, and correctly answer questions based on the reading. This made the experience of reading them so enjoyable for me, and made English class one of my academic interests. My main academic interest however is aviation. I am excited to have the opportunity to study this subject academically. I always like to know how complex systems work, especially in aircraft. I am interested in learning more about aircraft systems such as GPWS (Ground Proximity Warning System), and RA (resolution advisory) system because of how interesting they are to me. I want to know everything about commercial airliners. I want to know how all of the systems and instruments work, what they do, and how to control them. I am intrigued to know what every switch, knob and button does on an airliner. I am also excited for every course that is part of the aviation curriculum, such as meteorology and flight physics; weather patterns at flight levels interest me. I am hungry to learn everything that Bridgewater State College can teach me through the aviation major!
After researching a variety of schools which have programs in my area of academic interest, aviation, I believe that BSC is the one which can best help me reach my goal of becoming a pilot. Bridgewater has a well-respected aviation program that is a perfect fit for my areas of interest and the goals I wish to achieve. I will be able to work on a college degree while I earn my pilot ratings through flight lessons, and have the opportunity to instruct other students in an aircraft to build up flight hours as I progress. I have prepared myself for the aviation classes by reading many informative articles, books and websites about aviation and piloting. Bridgewater State College can increase the knowledge about aviation that I have received by reading, and can lead me to success in my adult working life.
I strongly believe that when I graduate with my education from Bridgewater State College and enter the work force, I will have an advantage over most other people entering the same industry as me. The aviation training program as a degree is exactly what I need to prepare myself for my career life. I am determined that Bridgewater State College can deliver me to my success as best as I manage it to, and can fulfill my goals of becoming successful in the commercial aviation industry.
(end)

And the book titles are underlined in MS word, they just don't be underlined when i paste them into here from word :)

[kilted exile]

I would get rid of some/most/all of the exclamation marks. Occassional usage is Ok for emphasis, but when you use so many it becomes redundant and annoying.

[inck243]

oho yeah thats true, ill get rid of all but one

[OrphanAnime]

My first suggestion is to remove all contractions.

I only glanced at your writing and your contractions were the first "errors" I noticed that no one has yet suggested to fix. Perhaps a more careful reading, which I plan on doing, will elicit more suggestions. But for now, that’s all I got. :)

Good luck!

[RobinHood3000]

I disagree. College essays are different from formal essays, and contractions (in addition to slang and some other forms of creative license) are in some cases critical to striking the right tone.

[OrphanAnime]

I stand corrected. If contractions best express you, which is one of the primary aims of this essay, then leave them in.

I got contraction use beaten out of me in college, but you are not there yet, so contract with impunity (while you still can!) :)

[RobinHood3000]

Understood, and I sympathize. For the longest time, I kept trying to write admissions essays with an intro/body/body/body/conclusion, and kept wondering why I didn't win more stuff.

[dejitaru]

Out of every one of my past career interests and ideas, the one has always stuck is commercial aviation; I have always been interested in it!

I think "out" should be cut. It's prolix. You can't combine "has" and "is", they're different tenses.

The word "ideas" is too impersonal. It implies that you have no path and is essentially the same as an interest. Maybe a pursuit would be better. The same with "interested." It's something you want to do, not read or think about. Also, the semicolon breaks flow.


I want to be a pilot when I graduate college because of my love for flying and interest in aircraft.

Change "want" to "intend" to reinforce assertion. "Flying" to "aviation" or something to that effect. Flying is a layman's term. Aviation is a field of science which includes flying.


love for flying and interest in aircraft. I love every aspect of flying; the pressure sensation on my back as the aircraft barrels down the runway and the jet engine noises during takeoff, and even the distinctive jet fuel scent that fills the cabin when the turbofans are started are just only a few aspects that make me love flying.

You have "love...flying" three times in that block of text. Cut one of them out, and change "love" to something else in another.


I love aircraft and I would love to operate one as a job.

This sentence wouldn't be so bad if it weren't the fifth time you'd loved something.

Strip out the semicolons.