Three tips to being a modern art guru....trust me

[OZEED]

This thread stems from an experience I recently had after been invited to the opening night of a modern art exhibition.
I love art, if for nothing else then for the pretty colours.

So there I was,wine glass in one hand cracker with cream cheese in the other as I floated around the industrial meets zen art gallery observing people like I enjoy doing.I almost choked on the über trendy snack as I got revelation on what is needed to enjoy modern art.Contrary to popular belief
from what I saw before me all that is really needed is as follows;

A really trendy shirt, it does not need to suit you...nah trendy should surffice.

Every so often interject with words like "DEPTH", "EMOTION", oh and my personal favourite "AVANT GARDE".

and lastly THE NOD, walk up to a piece, stare at it for two mins with deadly intent, nod and walk away.

so there you have it my three tips to enjoying modern art:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Shannanigan]

lol...people watching should be an olympic sport...

but from the sounds of this, appreciating modern art may require the same effort :p

[OZEED]

[QUOTE=Shannanigan;267520]lol...people watching should be an olympic sport...

lol:lol: gimme an alfresco restaurant and a latte on a sunday afternoon and I'm in heaven.

[Stanislaw]

*this years event is going to be a real challenge for the canadian entry, we still have to wonder if he has fully recoverd from his neck sprain...thats right bob, he did suffer a nasty neck strain during last years event, and it is a suprise that hes back after such a short leave*...I love sports anouncers.:D

...but, for the art thing, I have experienced the like...the people who don't notice that are the ones who scare me.:D

[Shannanigan]

"well Stan it looks like he has brought a tool of the trade with him this season so as not to risk straining his neck again. A very discreet device, though becoming more and more well-known, the sunglasses with built-in mirrors on the inside of the lenses were almost banned from the sport of people-watching after protests two years ago..."

...and the art buff sips his wine

[OZEED]

*Well Bob, I must add that the Canadian has really fined tuned his game this season, to everyones surprise, after all he is Canadian. I love the team strategy regarding the pink sunglasses, the word on the street is that pink is the new pink at this years PWO(People Watching Olympics).Over to you Stan....*
*THE NOD*

[Stanislaw]

*The cheesy grin and half laugh* *thanks Oz, this week there has been a sad case of tragedy amongst the Albonian (heh dilbert) entries, it seems that due to the recent de-mudding of the country, the Albonian contestents were drastically setback and may not participate in the semi-finals round, back to you bob, *half cheesy grin,**:D

[Turk]

You can also try to wear eyeglass (John Lennon style) and using pipe.

[higley]

oh, hah I'm an expert-in-training on this. x) but you forgot the descriptive word TRANSCEND. In fine art, everything transcends. Don't ask me what they transcend. They just do. :D

[Virgil]

Guys also need a beard. Not a scruffy one, a professorial one.:D And with Stan's pipe, it transcends. :lol:

[OZEED]

I reackon we have this art boffin jig down to 'a fine art' :lol: :lol: :lol:
I do believe BY JOVE we have TRANSCENDED!:brow:

[kathycf]

A few tips from me:

1.) Perfect a haughty sneer, the better to use on folks who complain that modern art "doesn't make any sense".

2.) Never refer to a painting as such, it is a piece or a work, and always use the artist's last name.

3.)Remember that all art is trying to make a statement, preferably on the artist's conception of social injustice.

4.) Study the dictionary in order to throw around words with abandon, the longer the better. Sprinkle in phrases that illustrate what expertise you command. Don't worry if this doesn't make any sense...if you speak with enough authority people will almost always agree with you regardless of what you are nattering on about. If they don't, well....then you must also perfect a sneering sort of glare and spread that around.

Example:
"Smith is really trying to make a statement with this piece. I see she is commenting on how love and hatred are intertwined. Notice how she uses an archetypal male figure that is used to symbolize female oppression and also how this attempts to illuminate gender relations. Sadly, I think she fails terribly and this piece is obviously derivative of so and so's (insert other artist name here) early work."
*sneer*

[OZEED]

someone please post some abstract art on this thread so that we can fine tune of 'skills'.
I would do it, but I don't have the foggiest idea:(

[kathycf]

Hi Ozeed:

Sure, this is an example of a "piece" ;) from Marcel Duchamp (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcel_Duchamp) who exhibited at the 1913 Armory Show (http://xroads.virginia.edu/~MUSEUM/Armory/entrance.html) , one of the first exhibits of modern art. Feel free to read more about him and the Armory show in the links. Then we can concentrate on our sneers, eh? :lol:

This is called Nude descending a staircase No 2...and I feel safe posting a nude here because it is not really clear (at least to me) that this is a representation of a human, never mind an unclothed human. :p I have to say, this painting (yea I said it...painting! ;)) is one of my anti-favorites!

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h56/kathycf/duchamp_NudeDescendingStaircaseNo2.jpg

BTW, posting an image is easy...check out my sig line for information regarding images. :)

[Madhuri]

A fine piece, I must say ;)

[Petrarch's Love]

Walks up close to painting, arches eyebrows ever so slightly and then steps back with a slow nod
Ah yes, well its always nice to see a retroist display at a show like this, and of course no one could possibly discount the centrality of Duchamp's work to the evolution of the modern aesthetic or the post-freudian muscle of this piece's underlying sexual signification, but really, haven't we all done Dada?
High affected laugh accompanied by slight equally affected toss of the head. Sips champagne.
I mean, I suppose contemplating the complex ontology, even the ontogeny of the human in this piece has intriguing parallels with the ontology of the avant garde and the modern and post-modern world views, but don't you sometimes lie awake nights and wonder if the avant garde has really become the arriere garde?
Another high affected laugh expertly accompanied by a practiced sneer. Takes bite of brie and cracker, which unfortunately results in the spilling of cracker crumbs. A nearby patron of the arts goes up to the crumbs, cranes down to look at them intensely and then gives a slow nod before turning to his spouse and declaring "that piece really has depth"
I mean, really, I feel like the statment of this piece has been stated so many times, that really, if we keep regressing back to this point the art world is doomed. I mean what's the point?
Dramatic pause to allow these startling observations to sink in and to take another bite of brie.
I mean, really, looking around this exhibit, so many of the new artists seem to still be mired in this Duchamp moment without any kind of real progression. Now this piece over here by Clyde Von Ubermod on the other hand, that's something fresh, that's a real statement and....

The scary thing is you can finish two or three glasses of wine before someone like this pauses for breath. :p

[kathycf]

A nearby patron of the arts goes up to the crumbs, cranes down to look at them intensely and then gives a slow nod before turning to his spouse and declaring "that piece really has depth" .....

The scary thing is you can finish two or three glasses of wine before someone like this pauses for breath. :p
I love it! :lol:
Even scarier is that you really do need at least two or three glasses of wine in order to bear listening to some prat go on about his/her stellar insights into art.

*cough* You know, PL, those cracker crumbs really transcend Dadaism. I think Crumbs makes an interesting statement about poverty....:p
So , what is the general consensus about Abstract Expressionism? :brow: :brow:

Jackson Pollack; Autumn Rythym I actually like this, maybe because it reminds me of a hot fudge sundae....
http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h56/kathycf/autumnrhythm.jpg

[Stanislaw]

Hi Ozeed:

Sure, this is an example of a "piece" ;) from Marcel Duchamp (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcel_Duchamp) who exhibited at the 1913 Armory Show (http://xroads.virginia.edu/~MUSEUM/Armory/entrance.html) , one of the first exhibits of modern art. Feel free to read more about him and the Armory show in the links. Then we can concentrate on our sneers, eh? :lol:

This is called Nude descending a staircase No 2...and I feel safe posting a nude here because it is not really clear (at least to me) that this is a representation of a human, never mind an unclothed human. :p I have to say, this painting (yea I said it...painting! ;)) is one of my anti-favorites!

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h56/kathycf/duchamp_NudeDescendingStaircaseNo2.jpg

BTW, posting an image is easy...check out my sig line for information regarding images. :)

:eek2: I can't believe ye would display such picture of raw nudity on an all ages forum...I must burn my computer in shame now!

:D Heh...If only I could see it.:D

[higley]

That work suggests with a neo-social perogative the calamity of the populace being subjected to the visages of transcendental irony, subtly leading to the penulimate but-not-entirely-ultimate question: how many stairs must a nude descend before anyone really cares?

...

:P ...What I just said was all hogwash. But really, I like that painting in spite of myself. In spite of itself, rather. And if I have to go for "abstract," DuChamp would probably be my first (and only) choice.

[Nightshade]

walks in looks at first painting rocks back on heals tilts head
Yupp Like this painting you can like see the motion :nod: ques scandaled qasps

barely glanses at the second one ickk whats that?
more scandal gasps and maybe a muttered pleb
hey this is fun its why I enjoyed the national gallery -- my sister the art lover got a bit cheesed off with me though for not attepting to appreciate the things I didnt like at first glance mind you shes not this bad. She just a bit like me and libraries but her thing is paintings

[OZEED]

Hi Ozeed:

Sure, this is an example of a "piece" ;) from Marcel Duchamp (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marcel_Duchamp) who exhibited at the 1913 Armory Show (http://xroads.virginia.edu/~MUSEUM/Armory/entrance.html) , one of the first exhibits of modern art. Feel free to read more about him and the Armory show in the links. Then we can concentrate on our sneers, eh? :lol:

This is called Nude descending a staircase No 2...and I feel safe posting a nude here because it is not really clear (at least to me) that this is a representation of a human, never mind an unclothed human. :p I have to say, this painting (yea I said it...painting! ;)) is one of my anti-favorites!

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h56/kathycf/duchamp_NudeDescendingStaircaseNo2.jpg

BTW, posting an image is easy...check out my sig line for information regarding images. :)

*The Nod* bravo Kathy ,
The emotion, the passion for the human spirit that Duchamp has managed to encapsulate by the use of the stairs is remarkable to say the least;)
The strategic choice of hues adds to the depth of the piece.
*erratic hand gestures to emphase point*
The "descending" theme of the piece begs the questions, where is he/she descending to? and will he/she ever "ascend" or "transcend" for that matter?:p
*sips pinotage*

how was that guys??:lol:

[kathycf]

Yay! I think our next step is to meet at an art gallery opening for some passionate people watching, nodding sagely, blabbing and sneering. Of course, the wine and cheese part goes without saying....;)

BTW Stan...I am extremely sorry I offended you with such a wanton nude as that one. :p :D Please don't burn your computer. :D

[OZEED]

Supa Dupa....I've been saving a bottle of '98 Bergkloof Pinotage, and I do believe that this will be the perfect occasion to crack the bottle.

[Stanislaw]

Yay! I think our next step is to meet at an art gallery opening for some passionate people watching, nodding sagely, blabbing and sneering. Of course, the wine and cheese part goes without saying....;)

BTW Stan...I am extremely sorry I offended you with such a wanton nude as that one. :p :D Please don't burn your computer. :D

No worries...I just had to stick some soap in its cd drive is all...:D

[miss tenderness]

can any appreciate this:
http://www.br2h.com/up/uploads/09d55274d4.bmp (http://www.br2h.com/up)
:D :D :D

As a way of remmebrence my dear ,Rachel, I'll post one of her lovely gifts:
http://www.br2h.com/up/uploads/abd1304f50.jpg (http://www.br2h.com/up)

I miss you,Rach. We all do:(

[MarkBastable]

A few tips from me:

1.) Perfect a haughty sneer, the better to use on folks who complain that modern art "doesn't make any sense".

2.) Never refer to a painting as such, it is a piece or a work, and always use the artist's last name.

3.)Remember that all art is trying to make a statement, preferably on the artist's conception of social injustice.

4.) Study the dictionary in order to throw around words with abandon, the longer the better. Sprinkle in phrases that illustrate what expertise you command. Don't worry if this doesn't make any sense...if you speak with enough authority people will almost always agree with you regardless of what you are nattering on about. If they don't, well....then you must also perfect a sneering sort of glare and spread that around.

Example:
"Smith is really trying to make a statement with this piece. I see she is commenting on how love and hatred are intertwined. Notice how she uses an archetypal male figure that is used to symbolize female oppression and also how this attempts to illuminate gender relations. Sadly, I think she fails terribly and this piece is obviously derivative of so and so's (insert other artist name here) early work."
*sneer*


A few tips concerning how one should express a dislike of modern art.

1) Perfect the disdainful scoff, the better to convey the notion that anyone who likes Picasso is either deluded or lying - because, honestly, I'm quite bright and if I can't see why it's any good then it can't be.

2) Never refer to anything as 'art' unless it's got a nice frame and there's a horse in it, or at the very least some lovely trees or someone who looks like they'd know which fork to use.

3) Remember that art ought to be easy to understand, especially if any public money is spent on it because otherwise I'd rather my taxes went towards doing something about the dreadful state of the roads, thank you very much.

4) Refuse to talk about art in any depth beyond 'it's got nice colours and her eyes are just so sad', because there's a real possibility that people will find out that you have no idea what you're talking about, which wouldn't bother you at all if the subject were ballet or lute music, but somehow does matter when it's art. If anyone suggests that there might be more to it than you seem to think, simply snort and say something that sounds clever and final.

Example:

"It's just the Emperor's new clothes, isn't it? My five-year-old could've done that. Of course, they're all in it together, these critics and so-called artists. What's that supposed to be? I remember when you looked at a painting and you could tell what it was. It's money for old rope - I bet they're laughing all the way to the bank." *snort*