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axl_32779
12-20-2003, 02:11 AM
After i recieved some great help, heres 3 versions, the first is the origional, n i shouldnt have posted it before because of the short time i had spent on it, only a couple lines r differant in the second 2, but its much differant than the original. i am an x wanna be rock star, n yes had hair to my but n screamed on stage alot. i ussally write when depressed, n words just come , as if told to me, i have no lit education at all so bare with me. i just like to write it, to get it out, n i hope someone likes it or can relate to it. well here it is, n i love opinions n help

The Breath I Take
I
So who can tell me what it’s worth,
the breath I take.
Does it matter if I take one more?
Is the life that flows to finger tips,
better served dripping on this floor?

I’m so weary after all these years
wearing this heart on my sleeve.
And all the splendor that I’ve seen,
slipping threw I watching it leave.

the splendor I’ve seen slips threw my fingers
grasping it tighter only to watch it leave

Every morning I force my wake,
pushing forward threw another day.
As the sunsets on my singular soul,
I know happiness will never stay.

So who can tell me what it’s worth,
the breath I take.

Words could never describe her,
the elegance of her soul.
There was no effort no script,
her beauty made me whole.

Life had meaning,
with every breath I took.
The ears that soothed me.
Her lips that comfort me.
And for one moment,
fleeting as it may be
I liked myself.
And for one moment,
though quick to pass,
I was real.
And there was a purpose for,
the breath I take.



The Breath I Take
II
Every morning I force myself awake,
pushing forward through another day.
As the sunsets on my singular soul,
I know happiness will never stay.

I’m so weary after all these years;
wearing this heart on my sleeve.
And all the splendor that I’ve seen
slips away. I watch it leave.

So who can tell me what it’s worth--
the breath I take?
Does it matter if I take one more?
Is the life that flows inside
better served dripping on the floor?

Words could never describe her,
the elegance of her soul.
There was no effort, no script.
Her beauty made me whole.
Life had meaning. I liked myself.
And for one moment,
I was real.
And there was a purpose for-
the breath I take.



The Breath I Take
III
Every morning I force myself awake,
pushing forward through another day.
As the sunsets on my singular soul,
I know happiness will never stay.

I’ve grown weary after all these years;
wearing this heart on my sleeve.
the splendors I’ve seen slips threw--
my fingers grasp it tighter,
only to watch it leave.

So who can tell me what it’s worth--
the breath I take?
Does it matter if I take one more?
Or is the life that flows inside
better served dripping on the floor?

Words could never describe her,
the elegance of her soul.
There was no effort, no script.
Her beauty made me whole.
Life had meaning. I liked myself.
And for one moment,
I was real.
And there was a purpose for-
the breath I take.

Witch is better?

ihrocks
12-20-2003, 11:39 AM
See? A little patience makes a big difference.

The question is, which one do you like best?

ihrocks

axl_32779
12-20-2003, 10:40 PM
ihrocks, i like 3 the best, n yes i posted it to soon

axl_32779
12-20-2003, 10:43 PM
PLEASE VOTE PEOPLE, even if u hate it

azmuse
12-21-2003, 12:22 AM
i like #2 better...i like the rhythm of the second verse better in that one, the dah-Dum of "slips away. I watch it leave." (sorry I haven't figured out how to quote yet.)
Very naked and troubling comment: "Life had meaning. I liked myself." ...i liked it.

BloodStaindRose
12-21-2003, 11:31 PM
i honestly enjoyed the first version of your poem the best!
though all three had verses that were out of place or not exactly clear to as what you were talking about. it is a very good start and always write from the heart! maybe add more description and mystery to the poem!

Jay
12-21-2003, 11:45 PM
I like the #3 version the best, even though the #1 version is good, but it has its flaws, like spelling and grammar mistakes, seems a little chaotic in some parts, but I like the picture it invokes, my fav stanza from the version #1 is:


Every morning I force my wake,
pushing forward threw another day.
As the sunsets on my singular soul,
I know happiness will never stay.


The version #3 is better developed, #1 is more raw. #3 fav stanza:


Words could never describe her,
the elegance of her soul.
There was no effort, no script.
Her beauty made me whole.
Life had meaning. I liked myself.
And for one moment,
I was real.
And there was a purpose for-
the breath I take.