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Bethann
10-03-2006, 08:42 PM
I guess you folks know the drill with this sort of stuff and probably see too much, but if anyone does have any feedback on this beginning I'd appreciate it. Thanks.


Unknown Place

November 3rd 15th Year

Nothing is truly our own. No Possession, no Thought, no Feeling. Everything has been stolen from us. And we live in ignorance of it. We are no longer people, we no longer exist.

As far as I am able to ascertain in my brief moments of consciousness I alone in the world think independently. Naturally it is very hard to prove this and rather it is the lack of proof that has led me to this conclusion. The opportunity to find out is rare in it self and then it becomes a half forgotten dream, there is so much I cannot remember from wakening to the next. I fear they have read my subconscious and have found me to be. I feel it slipping from me even now, who knows, soon I may delete this as crazed ramblings or even report it. I hope I do not…

June 19th 16th Year

Has it really been so long? Can they really control me so completely? Yes. Me and everyone else. Sometimes I wonder why I have these strange moments of lucidity, why no one else appears to as well. Maybe they do, maybe they merely are more adept at hiding than I am at looking. They’d have to be, if such a one as I were to be discovered they would instantly cease to exist, not only in mind as we already do but in all memory and history. I know they can do this as there are references in my ramblings here to people who never were. My mind recalls little of my time for in truth it isn’t there, but it recalls enough to know that these people never existed to it. What power they must have to so give and take memories at will. Again I feel myself slipping, these so spells are so brief and I remember so little later, it is all I can do to keep the location of this diary hidden within me, my only link to the real world, my death sentence…

May 6th 17th Year

For ten years I have been writing here and what have I accomplished? Nothing. No great deeds to free myself, no attempt at a rescue for the dying embers of my race, not even a plan. My sole hope lies in someone reading this one day and seeing all that has befallen here, someone stronger then I who will save us. What vain hope. They cannot find these pages, what hope has anyone else, this is my task, alone until death. Yet death precedes me and I cannot let it go unchallenged. Two sets of parents, three sets of friends, each time my memory does not know they have changed, only these notes show it to be true. My mother now has dark brown hair and my father blonde, both tall and thin as I am with blue eyes. To me they have been there always, though as ever my memory fails me and I feel as though I am watching my own life through ripped gauze curtains. These notes tell me of parents who were much younger and brown eyed. Should I distrust myself, thinking this is all a dream? No, this is reality, the wasted lives of a dead existence. They have changed me. It is my greatest fear that they will move me from here, replacing me instead of my parents and all this will vanish. I have accomplished nothing…


January 23rd 19th Year

Almost two years! I wonder if they are getting a better hold of me now or if I am merely losing the strength and will to fight their tyranny. Whoever they may be. How can one fight what one cannot know, cannot hear, cannot see. They do not exist to us, but then, nothing exists to us. Yet they must exist, someone must be doing this to us. I must find a way out of this trap, who knows how long it will be until the next time I awaken from this nightmare I call my life. I have left myself clues, I hope they won’t notice. I tried to be subtle but I had to be sure that I would understand in the hope I can wake myself, or at least show myself that something is not right. And if they find me, and kill me…at least I will no longer be in this purgatory, and maybe, should I be lucky, I will at last discover who they are…

Unknown Day of Unknown Year

I am sitting in the middle of a forest. I have no idea where I am or even who I am save these few pages. It seems to me there should be more of them for there is reference to ten years worth yet these dates only span four. Is this me? By comparison it looks to be my handwriting yet I have no recollections of anything. It is as if I was born but an hour ago, sitting in this very spot. Have I followed the clues and freed myself? If so where do I go from here, for any hint I may have left myself, within my mind or otherwise, has been completely obliterated. I don’t even recall my name or age. I guess the years mentioned are my age yet who knows how long has passed since the last entry. How do I discover who I was when it appears I was nobody. I can’t go back. I don’t even know where ‘back’ is. There is no back in my mind. What if I am pursued by these people that I keep referring to? What if they are the ones who put me here? I have no choice but to go on though, whatever happened. If what I read here is true, I may be the only one who can save us. I must continue…

Five Days Later

Nothing. There is nothing here. No people, no animals, no birds. Even the breeze barely disturbs this unnatural silence. I must find something soon else I shall perish for there is not even a trace of food here and already I feel faint with hunger. How long had I fasted before I awoke in the glade? Please save me lest I die here and condemn my people to eternal death. Let me find the source of this evil.

Day 7

I must count somehow so I shall henceforth count the day of my awakening as the first day of the first year until I have more accurate data. There is a town I see now on the horizon. The very thing I have been searching for this past week. Yet now I see it I am afraid. What if it is where I came from? What if they return me to my servitude, my living grave? Still in order to gain freedom I must take risks. I cannot live, let alone learn, out in the forest like I am now. Tomorrow I will reach this new place and if there is a God may he or she grant me mercy…

Jean-Baptiste
10-30-2006, 11:52 PM
Beginning, eh? Well, I can see that it's going somewhere. I don't generally like a diarist's rantings, but there is a brilliant idea behind this piece--I'm proud of you for that. However, there are some things that I want from this: Give us some means to acquire faith and hope in this person. It's clear that he or she is The potential hero, but I don't feel all that confident or secure. Not, mind you, that this person has to prove worth, or even display anything above shrinking horror, but...Perhaps I'm turned off by the fact the he or she does not have a clue what's going on, which makes it truly rantings. However, if this diarists part is actually known to her or him, then there should not be so much secrecy, as though for the reader's benefit. I don't ask that you come right out with it, but there is definitely room for some hints, or signposts to help us along. Perhaps make more clear the purpose of this once-a-year stuff; either I didn't get it (which I assure you is entirely possible, in which case kindly disregard everything I've presented here) or it's not there/too subtle. Subtlety can be an admirable technique, but I don't feel that it's always warranted, or beneficial. Sometimes you have to come right out and kick the reader in the head, and tell them what's happening. I especially feel that the underlying idea in this piece would not be in the least harmed by in-text explication, but rather could only be strengthened as the reader is more capable of accompanying your journey. Have the character come to some specific realizations that will tell us what's what.

That said, I love what you're doing toward the end; it feels like a grand catastrophe just ahead, but I get the sense the everythings about to start over, or take a turn, or something good like that. Anyway, I appreciate you're sharing. Very good work; keep going. :wave:

Bethann
10-31-2006, 07:54 AM
Thanks for the feedback! It really is much appreciated. To be honest I had no intention (as far as I've made myself aware) of this character ever being in the story again. But I will definitely look into what you said about making things a bit more obvious and doing that whilst still trying to keep some mystery. Thanks ^_^.