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Dyrwen
12-16-2003, 12:51 AM
This poem is fairly long. I think it even has a sort of.. speaking part in it, don't know, but it's an analyzation of my life, thoughts and selves. Goes on into various points-of-view and really seems to be sporatic. Thought some might find it interesting as it seemed to have some style to it that I've rarely used.

Dialogue of the Lost

Lose yourself, I beg of you.
It shall be the thing I most remember of you,
when you forgot who you were and just felt the moment,
as you survived freedom at that solitary time.

That was probably the only time I respected you,
only because I could not think about how not to,
for we were free, to do what we wish,
without really trying, because that was it.
We acted for that time, that moment, that rhyme,
the breathe of joy at that momentary sign,
we knew just then, we knew nothing at all.

Fall into your mind, like you could really leave,
find yourself trapped in love, like all the others see.
More itching jealousy spreads into your heart,
leaving you with guilt of your unspent beautiful art.
A barren potential that is your life,
wishing only for failure, but fearing it.
You cannot take such loss,
for you are but a child, trapped in an elder mind.

Correct and misplaced, you interpret them more,
further analyzed, you look deep into their thoughts,
looking forever to find what they once lost.
They have managed such pain, such regret,
yet you have never lived, and will never be able.
Not if you keep wishing, keep hoping, keep not caring,
but it does keep you content, rather than staring,
getting caught up in all that is spent.

Crack your skull and sulk in your tears,
you only seek their approval, from their jeers.
Drying out, as you look upon their crooked smiles,
they look into your eyes wondering what lies,
when all you speak is real, and yet the idea dies.

I only wish you knew,
but I do.
How I live this life of apathy,
I feel empathy.
We once felt a world of love through their hearts,
I wish I felt it from the start.
But now it's all lost, because of my fear,
don't let the lies become clear.

Lose yourself, it's all I ask of us,
I'll do my best, all it takes is trust.
Yet still I fear we'll lose a part of myself,
you don't want to be like the rest, under a painful farce.
Cold and calculating, I cannot stop thinking about the outcomes,
we shall continue working, and trying to kill you.
That is all I ask, a chance at freedom, from the past,
you wish to lose the future, that place which you feel love will not last.
For that I thank you, the voice of my mind,
that which I once was, and continue to find.

Shine into the darkness and you will not find us,
look into the light and you have nothingness.
I am your last remedy, the thing you once feared,
we are your eternity, the reality that keeps you scared.
Lose yourself, it's all that I ask,
to become part of me and capture your past.

azmuse
12-16-2003, 01:51 AM
[only because I could not think about how not to]
"about" feels awkward here...

[that rhyme]
not sure i like rhyme; i can see how it flowed into your poem though

[we knew just then, we knew nothing at all.]
like this

[like all the others see.]
kind of strained my inner ear

[ itching jealousy spreads into your heart,
leaving you with guilt of your unspent beautiful art.]
like this, but not "unspent"

[A barren potential that is your life,
wishing only for failure, but fearing it.]
Very interesting thought

[Crack your skull and sulk in your tears,]
PRETTY WORDING - NICE

[We once felt a world of love through their hearts,
I wish I felt it from the start.
But now it's all lost, because of my fear,
don't let the lies become clear.]
rhyme sounds strained here

[we'll lose a part of myself,]
how many of you are there? :) :)

[I am your last remedy, the thing you once feared,
we are your eternity, the reality that keeps you scared.
Lose yourself, it's all that I ask,
to become part of me and capture your past.]
have trouble with the flow of line 2 here, otherwise like the wrap-up.

Dyrwen
12-16-2003, 08:59 PM
Thanks for the critique there. :)

I figure the "about" in line 6 might have to go as well.

Might be adding on the word "please" and "we":
[We once felt a world of love through their hearts,
I wish we felt it from the start.
But now it's all lost, because of my fear,
please don't let the lies become so clear.]
Hard stanza to make as I'm speaking in various points of view..heh.


Fixed the line there, feel it might flow slightly better.

As to your last question, joke there, heh, there are about 7 of me. Or at least those are the ones I manage to converse with in an analytical explanative way to decide upon things. :)

[i]Revised poem
Dialogue of the Lost

Lose yourself, I beg of you.
It shall be the thing I most remember of you,
when you forgot who you were and just felt the moment,
as you survived freedom at that solitary time.

That was probably the only time I respected you,
only because I could not think how not to,
for we were free, to do what we wish,
without really trying, because that was it.
We acted for that time, that moment, that rhyme,
the breathe of joy at that momentary sign,
we knew just then, we knew nothing at all.

Fall into your mind, like you could really leave,
find yourself trapped in love, like all the others see.
More itching jealousy spreads into your heart,
leaving you with guilt of your unspent art.
A barren potential that is your life,
wishing only for failure, but fearing it.
You cannot take such loss,
for you are but a child, trapped in an elder mind.

Correct and misplaced, you interpret them more,
further analyzed, you look deep into their thoughts,
looking forever to find what they once lost.
They have managed such pain, such regret,
yet you have never lived, and will never be able.
Not if you keep wishing, keep hoping, keep not caring,
but it does keep you content, rather than staring,
getting caught up in all that is spent.

Crack your skull and sulk in your tears,
you only seek their approval, from their jeers.
Drying out, as you look upon their crooked smiles,
they look into your eyes wondering what lies,
when all you speak is real, and yet the idea dies.

I only wish you knew,
but I do.
How I live this life of apathy,
I feel empathy.
We once felt a world of love through their hearts,
I wish we felt it from the start.
But now it's all lost, because of my fear,
please don't let the lies become so clear.

Lose yourself, it's all I ask of us,
I'll do my best, all it takes is trust.
Yet still I fear we'll lose a part of myself,
you don't want to be like the rest, under a painful farce.
Cold and calculating, I cannot stop thinking about the outcomes,
we shall continue working, and trying to kill you.
That is all I ask, a chance at freedom, from the past,
you wish to lose the future, that place which you feel love will not last.
For that I thank you, the voice of my mind,
that which I once was, and continue to find.

Shine into the darkness and you will not find us,
look into the light and you have nothingness.
I am your last remedy, the thing you once feared,
we are your eternity, who make you cower scared.
Lose yourself, it's all that I ask,
to become part of me and capture your past.