Shakespeare rewritten?

[colouredpeasant]

This person is looking for a publishing deal. Feel free to comment on one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written. Hope you look thor' the tears and dont let the tears colour your intepretation.


here's an excerpt:
She pondered awhile and told me she was in love. That she was having feelings of intimate nature. I couldn’t believe it. I thought she had robbed my lines and was feeling on top of the world. I was so blissful and wanted to spurt out that I too was having the same sentiment and that it would be my utmost pleasure to be with her as a boyfriend, just before she sent a bullet through my glass world. The person she was referring to was my friend, then, who used to be around me. And her words then on were on falling on deaf ears. Not a single vein in my body moved for an epoch of time before I started to taste a brackish liquid. I was tearing without knowing it was flowing. Heartrending was way too mild a word to explain my situation. I shattered by mind, body and soul.

She didn’t hear anything me for a while before she asked whether I was positive about her relationship. I muttered a few words and said I had race off to something. I blessed her through my lips concealing my ripped apart heart. I was unable to stay in my room and wanted to be outside as I felt the pressure in my veins was causing me to grave. I walked around the neighborhood like a ravaging ogre. I punched, kicked and cried. After a few hours I returned home physically and mentally challenged. I did not hear from her for that day and did not want to hear her. I needed to talk someone before I turn myself into a psychotic being. I called my cousin and drowned my love turned ashes onto him.

Soon I began to realize that what she had for me was affection through friendship. And that friend then of mine who went out with her, started to evade me. He knew I liked her prior.

I started to delay her messages and would keep my conversations to a minimal.

Isnt this soo profound?

[optimisticnad]

profound? I think its ok, good. BUt not sure about profound, does it not dpeend on the reader-meaning how well can you relate to this incident. I guess most of us can in this case-and for me thers a point where you can relate to an incident in a novel etc. too much, so much that ceases to have meaning and oyu just brush past it. And I dont know...but that moment you (or this person) describes-seems fake, the words dont move me,not adequate enough. perhaps less words and more realistic approach, I think writers Carver would do moe justice in wiritng these types of situations, they use words straight to the point, not much figurative language and you use that alot and I feel that just puts a distance between myself and the passage. But its not bad, its ok. And its very brave of you or this person to post it and put themself 'out there'. So well done!