A dark poem

[Sarsipius]

A friend of mine who is in a rock band, asked me to write some dark lyrics for music that he had. I wanted to know what you thought of it before I gave it to him. The subject matter is disturbing, but so is a lot of the news we see on the tele these days. Please tell me what you think.

Thanks




Portrait of a serial killer

Single white male, fits the profile
Disposition full of beguile
With the perfect one in mind
To plant the seed of crime
Hours into days
Reality turns away

Was it memories, of harsh taunts
Or a wicked father, that still haunts
Now a timebomb, ticking inside
A boiling anger, so hard to hide

Descending into madness, few will ever know
Time has no meaning, for those lost souls
Drifting cold, with no meaning
Hiding inside, still thinking
Such wicked thoughts
That evil's brought

To hide the vessel, that held life
It took a bit, of good ol' might
With hacksaw to bone
A little time alone
To keep a toe
Momento

[Stanislaw]

Not bad, Is it to metal?

It was certainly dark, I particularly liked the toe momento bit, very disturbing.

You did good.:cool:

[Dyrwen]

Fine descriptive symbolism.

Started off talking about a guy, ended it like you had been watching him for years. Good rhyme moves, the quick endings in stanzas did well.

[bbq13]

i like this... i play the guitar... maybe i could do something about this... just tell me...

[BloodStaindRose]

i love it!
though maybe it needs to be longer
the intensity is briiliant
im really in to dark and mysterious stuff i love it!