Critique appreciated

[psilosopher]

I've just found this board, and I look forward to any critique any of you would care to offer wrt the following poem.


Harlequin Romance

Torn, rolled cartwheels and
pratfalls
tumbling out
spilled smiles
given shyly from behind
hands now holding.

Tendons glisten exposed
by spotlight, silhouette
high above
on the tent’s
rear canvas,
while chalk stained fingers
grip so tightly
they may break.

And in ring three
my heart wrestles
with lions
that win sometimes
and my blood
soaks in to straw
and sand.

Red smiles drawn on
faces painted white,
with patches near the scalp
that are clumped and oily,
with crooked teeth that cannot
cover breath gone bad,
my child cries
while the other children
laugh
tinkling giggles that
sparkle until they
are forgotten underfoot,
and the long car ride home
begins.

[Wilfred]

Pretty cool poem. I like it.

[psilosopher]

Wilfred: Your enjoyment is most appreciated! I wonder though if you would be willing to offer a critique, by which I mean a systematic offering of advice with the intent of improvement. Hey, that's why I've presented this to other writers. Thanks in advance.

[azmuse]

hmm. am unable to offer advice systematically, am unversed anymore in poetical formalities, but liked the tumble and flow.
didn't care for "Tendons glisten" but enjoyed the imagery otherwise; lots of lovely layers.
liked "pratfalls" & "my heart wrestles with lions...sand."

[MacBeth]

I too enjoyed your imagery, which was masterfully executed. I also found your short lines an excellent means of conveying energy, but found the line breaks in some instances awkward--watch out for that. The rule of thumb is, "If it doesn't sound right, it probably isn't." Some of these "awkward" linebreaks are masterfully crafted, though. On this note, I think that perhaps "torn," in the first stanza merits a line of its own. A good pause after a heavily stressed word like that channels much emotion. Another thought might be that if you're not going to wirte in rhyme, try using heavy alliteration; that would work wonders for this piece.