how about this

[axl_32779]

The Breath I Take

So who can tell me what it’s worth,
the breath I take.
Does it matter if I take one more?
Is the life that flows to finger tips,
better served dripping on this floor?

I’m so weary after all these years
wearing this heart on my sleeve.
And all the splendor that I’ve seen,
slipping threw I watching it leave.

Every morning I force my wake,
pushing forward threw another day.
As the sunsets on my singular soul,
I know happiness will never stay.

So who can tell me what it’s worth,
the breath I take.

Words could never describe her,
the elegance of her soul.
There was no effort no script,
her beauty made me whole.

Life had meaning,
with every breath I took.
The ears that soothed me.
Her lips that comfort me.
And for one moment,
fleeting as it may be
I liked myself.
And for one moment,
though quick to pass,
I was real.
And there was a purpose for,
the breath I take.


once again looking for honest oppions and advice

[Stanislaw]

Very Dark. It sounds like you expierianced a traumatic bump in the road of life. I liked the poem, it was very sorrowfull though.

[ihrocks]

"And for one moment,
I was real.
And there was a purpose for
the breath I take."

I really liked this piece of it. It read true and genuine.

Also:

"Words could never describe her,
the elegance of her soul."

Now for the hard part. Please keep in mind I'm not trying to be unkind. I take it you are looking to improve your writing, so this is meant to be completely constructive.

The first three verses just don't work. Like your earlier effort, they sound like tired cliches from mid-80s hair-band songs. Also, the effort put in to placing your ideas into a structured verse is making your words come out stilted, for instance:

"Is the life that flows to finger tips,
better served dripping on this floor?"

and

"Every morning I force my wake,
pushing forward threw another day"

Finally, there's a couple of places where your logic falls down:

"slipping threw I watching it leave."

and

"The ears that soothed me."

Perhaps you need to slow down when you are writing. The potential is there, but I think it needs thought through more carefully. For starters, try re-ordering those first three verses:

Every morning I force myself awake,
pushing forward through another day.
As the sunsets on my singular soul,
I know happiness will never stay.

I’m so weary after all these years;
wearing this heart on my sleeve.
And all the splendor that I’ve seen
slips away. I watch it leave.

So who can tell me what it’s worth--
the breath I take?
Does it matter if I take one more?
Is the life that flows inside
better served dripping on the floor?

Do you see what I mean...how it now builds up to the "to be or not to be" moment? Now you can transition and explain the "why."

"Words could never describe her,
the elegance of her soul.
There was no effort, no script.
Her beauty made me whole.
Life had meaning. I liked myself."

Then finish with...

"And for one moment,
I was real.
And there was a purpose for
the breath I take."

Anyway, those are a few ideas. I'd like to see you work on this further, keeping the honesty and losing the imitation Bruce Springsteen, world-weary, heart-on-my-sleeve, rebel-without-a-cause, shorthand. Find what you truly want to say -- the basic thought you want to communicate -- then build around it.

Best of luck,

ihrocks

[axl_32779]

most of the stuff i write is dark, i try to write up beat but its hard
thanks for your comment

[axl_32779]

WOW thanks ihrocks, i really appreciate it, n i see a few of your points. oh n by the way, i use to sing n write in a 80's hair band, never signed but it was fun

[axl_32779]

PS what does stilted mean?

[azmuse]

stilted means basically forced/awkward

[sloegin]

I like it more than the other one.