Hush

[jon1jt]

Hush...
hear the
splash
against my
eyelids,
for just
a moment,
press against
me, feel the
crack of
an apple bough
sway in an
incandescent
undertoe, an
October wind
regaling, like
the release from
an old New York
City turnstile,
immense sky
roiled with
engine-gray
and black,
tree branches in
a spiraling current,
an electric lust

Hush...
hear the
gale purge
violence in a
seagull,
bite my
conscience
and let it bleed
when twilight
ends, for now,
hold still
the wanderlust
until the
rain quiets,
the dark melts,
until the thicket
cools hard
like wax in
slow motion,
my skull
graced with
this vision
pouring
inside me

[jon1jt]

This is an poem I posted months ago here, but yanked it, and am reintroducing now. Hope you like it.

[thevintagepiper]

I like it.
I like the part about the apple bough, and then the wind.

This part...


bite my
conscience
and let it bleed


Sounds a little cliche to me. Too "emo" compared to the rest of the poem.

[Virgil]

I liked it too. Here's my favorite section:

until the
rain quiets,
the dark melts,
until the thicket
cools hard
like wax in
slow motion,
One thing that struck my ear wrong (and perhaps it's just me) is the use of the word "wanderlust." Too many sylables. Essentially this is a mono slyllabic poem and wanderlust kind of awkwardly stuck out.

[jon1jt]

Great point Virgil...maybe I should simply get rid of "the wanderlust"? Feedback on this appreciated.

Virg, you probably have experience with "old New York turnstiles." They were heavy and went "clunk!" Tokens...what's that?
Thanks, as always, Virg

[Virgil]

Virg, you probably have experience with "old New York turnstiles." They were heavy and went "clunk!" Tokens...what's that?
Thanks, as always, Virg
Yes I remember them. They were wooden and thick and rotated circularly. Today they are aluminum and rotate up and down on an angle if you can picture it. And tokens are now a thing of the past.

[jon1jt]

Virg: Wooden turnstiles????!! I was heading to the Village the other day from Port Authority and had to stand in a long line to charge my "Metro Card" thinking that the token system may have actually been faster for the occasional city dweller! Darn technology. :)

[jon1jt]

I like it.
I like the part about the apple bough, and then the wind.

This part...


bite my
conscience
and let it bleed


Sounds a little cliche to me. Too "emo" compared to the rest of the poem.

Fair point about that part you pointed out. It's interesting that I changed that line around a few times and was dissatisfied with it as well. I'm going to change it soon as it comes to me. Thanks for pointing that out and reading.