Dreaming

[ihrocks]

Under a Monet sky
I watch the river flow,
Passing beneath the Albert Bridge.
Tendrils of morning mists swirl and fade;
The night retreats from the encroaching sun.

Lost in the fluid currents,
My thoughts drift to memories of hope
And the dying love.

No one waits in the shadows.
No footsteps echo on the path..
He won’t come this time; he won’t stop
To light my cigarette.
I am no one’s dream.

So I must wait on the Albert Bridge,
My thoughts drifting to the sea
And back again

Until another dreamer falls asleep,
Until he finds me waiting,
Between the darkness and the light,
In the morning mist,
under a Monet sky.

ihrocks

[Stanislaw]

Beutifle. It is a very nice piece.

[fayefaye]

I love the phrase 'under a Monet sky.' I love the way Monet paints skies.

[psilosopher]

I hope you won't find my critique presumtuous - it is intended to be constructive. Comments are in-line, for the most part.


Under a Monet sky[comma]
I watch the river flow,[no comma, enjamb]
Passing beneath the Albert Bridge.
Tendrils of morning mists swirl and fade;[maybe language reflecting the behavior of tendrils - grasp, etc]
The night retreats from the encroaching sun.[sun could be modified so that it's clear why the night is retreating, if you're personifying]

Lost in the fluid currents, [redundant]
My thoughts drift to memories of hope[something more concrete - hope of what]
And the dying love. [drowning, maybe, to continue with the metaphor]

No one waits in the shadows.[comma]
No footsteps echo on the path..
He won’t come this time;[comma] he won’t stop
To light my cigarette.[good, continue with such concrete-ness]
I am no one’s dream.[wishywashy - imply it using the above image]

So I must wait on the Albert Bridge,
My thoughts drifting to the sea
And back again[period]

Until another dreamer falls asleep,
Until he finds me waiting,
Between the darkness and the light,[maybe take it back to the personified images of the first stanza]
In the morning mist,
under a Monet sky.

OK, the last two stanzas are a little too 'tell'-y, try to show what you mean, or make your recounting vivid. Overall good start, though. Lots of potential here, since it seems like you know what you're talking about.

[ihrocks]

Thanks for taking the time to do such a thorough critique. I greatly appreciate it.

ihrocks