Nostalgia

[lebby64]

Hello everyone. I am somewhat new to this forum and extremely new to writing poetry. I wrote this one now about earlier childhood (i'm only 14) when my parent's weren't divorced. Critisicm surely accepted. :thumbs_up


Nostalgia

In dreams I travel back to this
One simple thing I now call bliss
I realize only how much I missed

There was happiness all around
But I can only ponder how
To achieve the same peace now

The precious moments captured on tape
Summon rapture and leave my mouth agape
I discover the peace has been displaced

Only several years have passed
I should have cherished it while it did last
To uncover my mistake I am left aghast

Oh sweet ecstasy, that was not where I expected to meet you
To my dismay, I see I did leave you
Oh, to think we hath parted...
My neglected subliminal friend,
I miss you.

[kathycf]

Hi lebby, I see you joined a bit ago, so belated welcome to you.

Your poem conveys alot of emotion and loss.

One thing about rhymed poetry, is that one often tries to "fit" a word in because it approximates the meaning one wishes to convey and it rhymes with the other words. Partly due to this, sometimes the words chosen can be appropriate, yet a little "off" or "forced."

Reading over your poem, this is the impression I get. That is not to say that I didn't like it, nor that your efforts were bad, please don't feel that is what I am saying here. My suggestion (that you may take or not :nod:) is try writing poems that don't rhyme (they still should have some structure to them) and let your ideas and feelings run on to the paper. See what happens then.

[lebby64]

Yeah, i agree with what you're saying; I felt that too. I wrote this pretty much on the spare of the moment with not much editing so I guess that's what I get!! :lol: Thanks for the comment!!~!!

[lesstravelled]

well done, i really liked it...
it is difficult always to find the right word for the "feeling" that fits and stays in the same "style" - there i agree with kathycf.
but it got feelings across very well.

[Page]

A very wistful poem, and I very much identify with what you say about feeling and appreciating experience, sadly, always in retrospect. I suppose I too never reach the center of appreciating a given moment. The first reviewer is on about the forced rhyme. "tape...agape, last...aghast" "Hath" is a bit out of place too, yes? no?

BTW: thank you for reviewing my poem lebby. :)

[Woland]

One thing Ive noticed is a tendency in some writers to load the end of a line with a rhyme, which is fine, but dont forget a rhyme can be placed anywhere and at anytime. :D