The Sea's Song

[thevintagepiper]

Though the first I've posted here, I think this is the last real poem I've written for awhile...mostly I do lyrics now.


The Sea's Song
When the deep sea is a jewel like a sapphire pure
When the wind’s heartrending voice cries over the waves
When the green and grey shores fade away sure
And the ship’s’re like gulls skidding high on the waves
Then the maiden’s song echoes with the wind on the wave.

And the cry of her heart and the wind o’er the sea
Blend mournful together like silver and gold
And the whisper of water is wild on the breeze
And the sound is as doves singing dirges old
And the sound is an echoing story told.

As the light on the tower burns brightly and gay
And the girl stands alone on the shore looking west
And the weather is harsh in a cool early May
And the cerulean blue breaks to foam on wave’s crests
The blue and the cream of her slim velvet vest.

Her delicate dress is of white like the clouds
Wind whips ‘round the skirt and wisps of her hair.
No one awaits her in the dead dark of the house
Not a soul knows that dreary, alone she lives there
The seagulls and mermaids alone know she’s there.

And the ship carrying her love is distant and lost
And her clear eyes are red from weeping for him
And her song is as wind through the silken frost
A year since the frost of early May’s whim
Satin frost gave a chance that was dearer to him.

And he vowed he’d return to bring her away
Or to live on the shore where the driftwood drifts
And the wind blows an elegy or ballad gay
And the crests of the waves white seagulls lift
The crests on the waves her sad spirit lift.

But a long year floated by leaving her still alone
A year alone with birds, the wind and the waves
And the voice and the wind blend into a song
The song of a girl whose sweetheart’s grave
Is down below the jeweled blue waves.

When purple and gold of the sun-sea’s set
And the tower light flickers and dims
And the gulls with the golden sun set
And the girl watches the mermaids swim
Their mystery is lost in her thoughts of him.

When the sea’s a sapphire stretching unending
And the wind song with a maiden’s is blending
And the sailor who loves her is resting, unending
The lighthouse burns, fading, her heart slowly breaking
As the deep sapphire sea crests are on the shore breaking
Deep sapphire waves are on the shore breaking.


Please critique/comment!

[Virgil]

Vintage

I loved this. This was great. The rhythm was wonderful, roughly anapestic hexameter, I think? And the rhyme worked very well. This was a fabulous stanza:

As the light on the tower burns brightly and gay
And the girl stands alone on the shore looking west
And the weather is harsh in a cool early May
And the cerulean blue breaks to foam on wave’s crests
The blue and the cream of her slim velvet vest.

This stanza seemed to be a little awkward and might require some revising:

But a long year floated by leaving her still alone
A year alone with birds, the wind and the waves
And the voice and the wind blend into a song
The song of a girl whose sweetheart’s grave
Is down below the jeweled blue waves.
The rhythm seemed off and the rhyme song/alone didn't go. The last line doesn't seem to have enough syllables.

But then your ending seemed perfect:

When the sea’s a sapphire stretching unending
And the wind song with a maiden’s is blending
And the sailor who loves her is resting, unending
The lighthouse burns, fading, her heart slowly breaking
As the deep sapphire sea crests are on the shore breaking
Deep sapphire waves are on the shore breaking.
You circle back to the saphire jewled sea (a beautiful image, by the way), and the emotion is just perfect. I really loved this.

BTW, this poem would go very well with the current poetry contest photo! Would you want to submit it?

[ShoutGrace]

I agree with Virgil's comments about the rhyming. It seemed to work well for enough for most of the lines, though some of it seemed off to me. Did you just write it, VP, or did you go through and try to make all the rhymes match up?



When purple and gold of the sun-sea’s set
And the tower light flickers and dims
And the gulls with the golden sun set
And the girl watches the mermaids swim
Their mystery is lost in her thoughts of him.

I like the idea of the gulls setting with the sun. Also, I guess the fact that she can't appreciate mermaids swimming show how important he was to her?



The last line doesn't seem to have enough syllables.


I acually wanted that last line to have less syllables. When reading it aloud, 'down' seemed superfluous to me.


When the sea’s a sapphire stretching unending
And the wind song with a maiden’s is blending
And the sailor who loves her is resting, unending
The lighthouse burns, fading, her heart slowly breaking
As the deep sapphire sea crests are on the shore breaking
Deep sapphire waves are on the shore breaking.

I am confused about this one. Two "undending"s and three "breaking"s. Why did you want to make it like that? The last two lines kind of this verse jarred me; I liked the first three.


I like it a lot!! :nod:

[lesstravelled]

this would be wonderful set to music.
the story is really touching and the rhyme and rhythm very well written.
the flow seemed to stop/change though once or twice



And the girl stands alone on the shore looking west
And the weather is harsh in a cool early May
And the cerulean blue breaks to foam on wave’s crests
The blue and the cream of her slim velvet vest.
in line four the rhythm somewhat changed and i had to read it twice to get the rhythm fitting. also the "driftwood drifts" in verse six, i dont know another word to go with it but it seemed just kind of doubled.



But a long year floated by leaving her still alone
A year alone with birds, the wind and the waves
And the voice and the wind blend into a song
The song of a girl whose sweetheart’s grave
Is down below the jeweled blue waves.
the flow reminded me of waves - well, a calm sea actually which i really liked. I thought the last verse was really good and the repetition at hte end is like one in a song, which it is...
thanks for posting it!

[jon1jt]

There is too much wind in this poem...ahem...a monotonous, long-windedness, but there are some nuggets in the drift. I do like the imagery and it's very well written. "When the...And the...when the...end the..." ad nauseum. I actually like the imagery, I honestly do, but you could have stated the same in two paragraphs. These are the best lines in the poem, I think:

And her song is as wind through the silken frost
A year since the frost of early May’s whim

The poem is bursting with fruit flavor, don't you think?
The waters go from
cerulean blue,
blue and cream,
jewel blue, one minute,
then purple, gold,
later, sapphire,
then deep sapphire.

And you got doves and seagulls and winds blowing and mermaids and maidens and waves and crests, one sonorous flagellation, and there's love in this primordial soup of a "deep" sea. The "deep" sea. The "deep" sea...

[thevintagepiper]

Thank you all very much for the compliments and critique/suggestions!!

ShoutGrace: I wrote it awhile ago but pulled it out recently and changed a few things, not a very diligently edited poem though.


BTW, this poem would go very well with the current poetry contest photo! Would you want to submit it?

Thanks but I think I won't....I didn't write it specifically for that so it doesn't seem quite right, and to me personally it doesn't match the feel of the photo/painting. I'm glad you like it though.

How does this work for stanza #7?

But a year floated by leaving her still alone
Alone with the birds, the wind and the waves
And the voice and the wind blend into a moan
The song of a girl whose sweetheart’s grave
Is far down below the jeweled blue waves.

Does it seem too different from the other stanzas? For now I have added the extra word in the last line, but I see what SHoutGrace is saying about less syllables working as well.