return and begin

[lesstravelled]

hello everybody - im lesstravelled and been lurking around for a while... occasionally, i write poems and then i get stuck. your comments would be much appreciated...

return

heavy limbs send
tired thoughts
exhausted they tend
to rest and to lie

the darkness in mind
closing the eye
the emptiness pined
or the calm to belong

tiredly humming
the silent song
immovably rocking
to fall asleep alone.

- at some point the rhythm is not exactly right, then theres some words i think are not exactly the right ones, then theres not a good bridge between verse two and three.
id be happy for some feedback...

[mir]

that's really good!!

i love some of the images it creates . . .

but i am a bit confused on the rhyme scheme. can you post what it's supposed to be?

and i don't know about empitiness "pined" - it's a bit confusing . . .

other than that, great! keep it up!

[grace86]

Welcome lesstravelled

I also have to agree that you create wonderful images. My body got tired and I imagine my own tired thoughts.

You are an awesome writer.

[thevintagepiper]

Ditto....I felt tired...peaceful...quiet...hallow...as I read it.

The only thing I can see is the very last line: "To fall asleep alone."
It doesn't match the rhyme scheme of the rest of that verse.

Well done indeed! Keep coming back.

[lesstravelled]

hello everybody, thanks a lot for your feedback. youve pointed out problematic "areas". i agree mir, that "pined" is not quite right, i wanted to use "pine for" but didnt have space for the preposition. left it out then. well but then "pined" is a weird word anyway so i changed the verse slightly. as to the rhyme scheme, first i just wanted the first and third line to rhyme but then... why not connecting the verses as well so in the end it looks like that (X standing for "no rhyme")

AXAB CBCD EDEX

[it does look a bit ridiculous i admit]
the last line - in fact i thought it would be nice to have it standing out it bit. but it sure is a bit awkward so another little alteration there.
well, thank you all for your criticism, below the worked on version then...

return

[verse 1 as before]

the darkness in mind
closing the eye
by emptiness signed
the calm to belong

tiredly humming
the silent song
immovably rocking
to fall asleep - alone.

slight change in meaning as well. please tell me what you think of this version.
cheers!

[mir]

thats actually a really cool rhyming idea. just in your last stanza humming and rocking dont really rhyme . . . i also like that the 2nd and 4th lines of the last stanze almost rhyme but dont quite. i dont know if that was intentional but its still really nice.

[thevintagepiper]

I like that even better. The break in the last line really seems to fix that awkwardness and adds to the meaning.