The Encounter

[Meron]

The Encounter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi all,

I'm new here and I would love to post a small story.
English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes.
Please correct me if there are. This is my first story so I don't know if it
is even worth posting.


The Encounter

I was walking in a street empty of people, only me , my umbrella and the rain.
It was quiet except for the rain clattering on the ground and the wind playing
with the trees. Suddenly I heard the sound of footsteps coming closer. I turned
around to see the most gorgeous woman in the world. The one you would only
see in fairy tales or perhaps in your dreams. Her hair was darker than the darkest
night, her eyes were brighter than the brightest star and her lips were more
attractive than the sweetest strawberry dipped in the sweetest honey.

When she came closer she asked me if she could shelter from the rain under my umbrella.
As she stepped by my side I immediately could smell her wonderful scent. It smelled like
roses and daisies and vanilla and every sweet smelling thing in the world.
Then she looked up at me, said thank you and smiled.
That smile still drives me crazy.

After that encounter a beautiful story developed......

thank you rain, thank you umbrella, thank you faith....

[amanda_isabel]

The Encounter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi all,

I'm new here and I would love to post a small story.
English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes.
Please correct me if there are. This is my first story so I don't know if it
is even worth posting.


The Encounter

I was walking in a street empty of people, only me , my umbrella and the rain.
It was quiet except for the rain clattering on the ground and the wind playing
with the trees. Suddenly I heard the sound of footsteps coming closer. I turned
around to see the most gorgeous woman in the world. The one you would only
see in fairy tales or perhaps in your dreams. Her hair was darker than the darkest
night, her eyes were brighter than the brightest star and her lips were more
attractive than the sweetest strawberry dipped in the sweetest honey.

When she came closer she asked me if she could shelter from the rain under my umbrella.
As she stepped by my side I immediately could smell her wonderful scent. It smelled like
roses and daisies and vanilla and every sweet smelling thing in the world.
Then she looked up at me, said thank you and smiled.
That smile still drives me crazy.

After that encounter a beautiful story developed......

thank you rain, thank you umbrella, thank you faith....

hey there meron!

out of curiosity, where are you from? tell us a little about yourself.

i read your short story, but i'll be giving in my comments next time, if that's alright...

welcome to the forum!

happy posting!

--amanda--

[Meron]

I am a 16 years old student from the netherlands. But I was born in Iraq.
I love to read english novels. To be honest I don't like the dutch literature.
I searched the internet for a nice forum to post little stories and to improve
my english, I'll need that because I want to study law in the US.
That's how I found this message board. After reading a lot of the topics
I decided to register and start my own.
My other hobbies are playing soccer and designing websites.
well, I think that's it...If some body want's to know anything else please
feel free to ask.

[grace86]

Welcome to the forum Meron. That is an interesting background you have. Your english seems fine to me. I read your short story and look forward to reading many more. You seem like you will be a fine english writer. Your story was done very well. I liked your comparison of the dark haired woman with the night, and stars, and strawberries...but I feel like it needs a little work in that area. I am not quite sure how though. But you will definitely find many places to put your stories here and practice. By the way, which english novels are your favorites?

[Meron]

Thank you , grace. I am very happy to hear you liked the story.
Of course I'll try my best to improve myself in the future.

My favorite novel is The Partner by John Grisham. Like I said, I want
to become a lawyer and as all the Grisham novels contain at least one
lawyer I like them. I have also read a few shakespeare's , my favorite is
The merchant of venice. The only problem with shakespeare's books is
that he uses old english which is hard to understand some times.
An other author I like is Roald Dahl, his imagination is wonderful.
I learned my english reading his books.

[Jay]

Some of Shakespeare's plays (and sonnets) in modern English (http://nfs.sparknotes.com/)

[Meron]

thanks for the site jay.

[Kelly_Sprout]

Meron, your English seems excellent, as is your spelling. Those are important things to consider for an author, so I'm glad you asked about them and wish to congratulate you on your proficency. Your story has some wonderful potential. As one storyteller to another, here are some suggestions that were once made to me that have helped me develop my storytelling abilities.

1. Tell us the story; don't tell us about the story.

Telling about the story:
I was walking in a street empty of people, only me , my umbrella and the rain. It was quiet except for the rain clattering on the ground and the wind playing with the trees.

Telling the story:
I walked the empty street with only my umbrella and the rain for company. The rain performed a melancholy melody with the steady drumming on the fabric of my umbrella and the rapid music of soggy splashing setting the tempo for aria the wind sang in the trees.

The goal of this suggestion is to help your audience experience the story, picturing it instead of you, the storyteller, telling it.

2. Use simile less frequently than metaphor. (Simile: Something is [like something else. Metaphor: Something is something else. Simile compares. Metaphor becomes.)

The goal of this suggestion is to avoid cliches. Similes often sound like cliches, even when they are fresh, while metaphors often sound fresh, even when they are frequently used and familiar to the speech patterns of your listeners.

The cliche-ish sound in
As she stepped by my side I immediately could smell her wonderful scent. It smelled like roses and daisies and vanilla and every sweet smelling thing in the world. become
She stepped beside me and filled my senses with roses and daises and vanilla and every sweet smelling thing in the world..

3. Use conversation.

People are interested in other people. It's just our way. Including conversation makes your readers feel like they are getting to know your characters.

Without conversation:
When she came closer she asked me if she could shelter from the rain under my umbrella.

With conversation:
When she came closer she asked, "May I walk with you under your umbrella?"

Her voice made me soar. Her words made me weak. With gallantry I replied, "Please do! I would be honored!" I raised the umbrella higher and held away from my body in order to provide her with better coverage.

The words used, the banter you can create, and the opportunity that conversation provides to insert minute personal details or reveal thoughts all give liveliness and personality to your characters.




I supposed I could overwhelm you with too much too quickly, so I'll leave you with these three suggestions. I feel that you have talent and are already well on your way to becoming an excellent creative writer.

[Meron]

thank you very much for your reply. I'm am so sorry for not responding for this long, but I was really busy with exams.
Thank you for your comments, It's realy intersting to know there is so much to take care of when you write a story.