A story in the sunset

[downing]

This is another work of mine which I have posted a few months ago. I am posting it once more, because I'd like to see other oppinions concerning it( there have been modified some things).



A story in the sunset

While the twilight was approaching, the sound of the nightingales was heard through the back-garden of an old house in Devonshire. Beams sent towards the windows of the house revealed the living-room; pictures on the walls showed landscapes and one of them was showing a house situated on a plain and, in the distance there were maple wood and a large blue lake.
Amanda was a beautiful girl of 20 years old; she was admiring the picture which throned in the living-room for years. Amanda turned it and saw some words written on its back: “1911, Arthur’’. Arthur, her grandfather had been a doctor and a handsome man. He had died in the First World War, before Amanda was born.
‘Arthur’, said her grandmother, ‘was a wonderful man. He was from Virginia, from a rich family. I met him at a party on a ship, on the Atlantic’ the old lady said, smiling. Then she gave a sigh and stopped talking… She looked out of the window and put her wrinkled hands on it: ‘Whenever I wake up, I take a look of the street and I see him coming towards me…Then, if I close my eyes and open them, he isn’t there anymore… I was on the ship when he came to me and said: ‘Would you like to dance?’ I said ‘yes’, and with it, I accepted my whole life from then on, I accepted your father, yourself and everything that would ever come to this family. That picture you ask me about was painted by him, during our honeymoon, in Derwentwater.
Three years after that, the First World War began and he had to go. After three months, I received a letter informing that Arthur Williams had died. It’s been 60 years since then… I loved him every day of my existence… People give too much importance to the end. We should concentrate on life.’
Amanda let her grandmother rest. That night, Anna Williams died. The next day, Amanda took the picture from her grandmother’s room. She turned it and saw some words written: ’’God, thank you for everything you gave me! Anna. ’’ Amanda put the picture on the wall and went outside, admiring the sunset, while the nightingales were heard through the back-garden of an old house in Devonshire…

[Kelly_Sprout]

I'm willing to write a critique, if you want me to.

[downing]

yes please

[downing]

it would be a pleasure to read a critique!

[Kelly_Sprout]

As you read this critique, keep in mind that you are experiencing my opinions, which may or may not be on target. It is up to you to see value or no value in anything I say.

I. Synopsis:
Overall, it seemed to me that the story line kept shifting. When I entered the story, it was twilight. Amanda was in the living room. She discovered the signature on the back of the picture. Somehow, grandmother materialized in the room (was she there all along?) and told grandfather's story. That night grandmother died. The next day, Amanda took the picture (which picture? The one in the living room or a different one?) from grandmother's room and saw the final words (of whom? Grandmother, or grandfather? It sounds like grandfather's words to grandmother, but the way grandmother's name appears, it looks like a signature.) Finally Amanda went outside into the sunset. As crazy as this sounds, I got the feeling that this is the same sunset that I encountered at the beginning of the story. It felt to me like the sunset and Amanda in the living room (beginning of story) and Amanda outside admiring the sunset (end of story) were happening in the present while grandmother's story of meeting grandfather, grandmother's death, and the final words of someone on the back of some picture all happened in the past, possibly the night before and that Amanda has been remembering it while missing and mourning her grandmother.

II. Specific suggestions:

A. Your very first sentence is written in the passive voice. "...twilight was approaching..." and "...sound...was heard..." immediately made me wonder, "by whom?" I would suggest that you change this first sentence to active voice and give it some richer detail as well. My approach would be something like this:

Long shadows and slanting golden rays of sunset signaled the approach of twilight. Nightingales in the back yard of an old house in Devonshire took notice and began to fill the quiet air with sweet sound.. Of course, my words are not your words. The important thing is changing "was approaching" to a description of the approach of twilight and changing "was heard" to an active hearing of the nightingales.

B. In the second sentence, I wondered, "who sent the beams?" and "beams of what?". It also seemed to me that you skipped over a thought that flew through your mind faster than you could write it down. You wrote "Beams...revealed the living room..." but I was still outside in the back yard. How could I even see the living room, much less be inside it to see how it had been revealed? My approach to this transition would be like this:

The last rose-tinted beams of sunlight splashed through the windows illuminating the living room within. Pictures on the wall...."

C. Once past the first paragraph, the story began to unfold. If I'm reading this story correctly, the first and last paragraphs are in the present and all the rest of the story in between are in the past, in Amanda's fresh memory of her last moments with her grandmother. If this is right, then I would suggest introducing the story in the second paragraph with a mention of Amanda remembering how she admired the picture.

D. What I'm calling the last paragraph is really only the last few sentences of the last paragraph. My final suggestion would be to start a new paragraph at the point in the story where Amanda took the picture and read the final inscription. Omit "The next day" because the memories have ended at this point and the real-time action has resumed from the first paragraph. Simply start the last paragraph with the words, "Amanda took...".

III. Conclusion:
This is a poignant, bitter-sweet tribute to the passing of Amanda's grandmother. If Amanda and her grandmother are real people, it deserves to be lovingly edited and preserved.

[downing]

Thank you very much for your critique! You certainly needed some time to put together these thoughts-which really helped me- and I must thank you for your time! Firstly, I must mention that I am not a native English and this is,probably, an important impediment in writing as the natives do.
Secondly, talking about my short story, I'm afraid I haven't write too well because you understood that the sunset from the beginning and the sunset from the end takes place in the same time and that grandmother was just a memory. The ,,true'' form is that grnadmother isn't a memory, she is real and she tells grandfather's story while she is alive. She really dies that night and Amanda takes the picture which I talk about at the beginning and watches the sunset( another sunset, not the one from the beginnging of the story).
Talking about the signature from the back of the painting, it is a signature of the old lady, or a message sent to God before death.
Thank you once again for your time and I will use your opinnions in my next compositions and proabably, I will check this one!