clog the forums with lots of poems, fa la la la . . .

[mir]

She Shore

Yielding softness
Searching hand
Half-drowned swimmer
Finds the land.

Home at last,
Now safe, now free –
First his hand pricks
Jollity.

Razor shells
To greet him home –
Softness lost,
No more sea foam.

Soft and sand
Have gone, been seized
By nearer men
Not lost on seas.

And now, sweet lief
Turns biting tongue,
Sharpness fosters
In pale gum.

Twice the losses
Do assail –
Sweet swimmer, flee –
Avoid the gale.

quomodo est?

[mir]

no . . . ? ouch.

[kathycf]

Hi mir:


Home at last,
Now safe, now free –
First his hand pricks
Jollity.


I almost feel like you could do without this stanza. It seems a little awkward to me. Otherwise I like this.

[Virgil]

mir

I like the first and last stanza. The rhythm is maintain in those stanzas, but off in the others. Actually if those two stanzas were the entire poem, it might sound quite nice and be complete. Check it out:


She Shore

Yielding softness
Searching hand
Half-drowned swimmer
Finds the land.

Twice the losses
Do assail –
Sweet swimmer, flee –
Avoid the gale.

What do you think?

[mir]

it's okay in rhythm and such with only those two lines . . . but the whole idea of the poem is the double meaning. with only those two stanzas you lose that . . . is the double meaning too hard to figure out? because no one seems to have gotten it . . .

thank you both for replying!

[RJbibliophil]

Nice poem Mir! :) You played very well with words, but I have not found the double meaning.

[kathycf]

Something about love and the nature of male/female relationships?

[mir]

close, Kathy . . . look at the title, it pretty much gives it away. and "softness lost", "nearer men", and "biting tongue". and "twice the losses do assail". it's a bit more immediate than what you said . . . but nice!

is it really unclear? because i can change it, i guess . . .

[Virgil]

Oh I think I get it now. Woman as sea shore.

[mir]

yay! and i need nore words to be able to post this, so yay again!!