Live in peace stray child.

[spacetoon]

Hi

I worte this peom because of what I've seen going in our social or shall I say in our crazy world. Read it.. Enjoyt it..Feel it


A stray child in the street,
Hearing terrible songs,
No one seeks out even to treat,
An innocent child cannot eat.

In monochrome nights, he weeps,
Has anyone dared to look?
At a stray child who is weak,
Fighting his sorrow's loneliness,
Just to live in peace.

Dancing with night's wind alone,
His favorite song, the spirit of the night,
Yet, no one glared to see him grieve,
Bleeding tears upon his mother's breast,
Mother I want to be like the rest,

Where are my night's tones?
Sing for me the song of the moon.
Let him rest in peace, Live in peace.
In your silence lap, only he weeps.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

[Juarez Fialho]

It’s ok spacetoon. You could have elaborated it more though. I liked the tone of it, appropriately sad for the theme.

"Keep writing!" - By Bandini

After reading it I had the same feeling I do when I listen to that Phil Collins song “she got blisters on the soles of her feet, she can’t walk but she’s trying, oh, think twice….”

I really like this part:
Bleeding tears upon his mother's breast,
Mother I want to be like the rest,

Just a minor point: on last line of S1: Why did you use eatS instead of eat?
ps: Maybe this line should be revised as well: "Had anyone dares to look,"

[spacetoon]

Just a minor point: on last line of S1: Why did you use eatS instead of eat?
ps: Maybe this line should be revised as well: "Had anyone dares to look,"

First I want to say thank you for reading my poems and sharing your thoughts. I used eatS instead of eat because I don't the tone or the ryheme of the poem to be ruined. Is that alright? or Must I change it to eat ?

About "Had anyone dares to look" line. I think I must use Has instead of Had, Am I right ? is it ok like this or shall I change it to Has as well?

Thanks.

[Juarez Fialho]

I would change the first Stanza, maybe something like:

A stray child in the street,
Hearing terrible songs,
No one seeks out even to treat,
An innocent child cannot eat.

S2 could be revised as well, maybe:

In monochrome nights, he weeps,
Has anyone dared to look,
At a stray child who is weak,
Fighting his sorrow,* loneliness,
Just to live in peace.
*I would not use this comma so loneliness is described as sorrow (sounds good! =])

This way “treat” rhymes with “eat” and even “street”, if that was what you wanted. I don’t really know what rhyme you were trying to pull, I hope not “songs” with “eats” though!

I have difficulties with the English as well; I’m Brazilian and sometimes I have to strive in order to be accurate with the grammar, spelling, word choosing, rhyming etc.

Keep the good work my friend; I look forward to your next poem!

[spacetoon]

Thank you. I corrected all the mistakes that you mentioned and added "the" as well. Now I really think it's a good poem. Thank you my brother.

I'm sure that I will write a poem near someday. you know sometimes cutting a tooth is much easier than writing a poem. lol

Don't you agree ?

[Juarez Fialho]

Yes! Writing poetry is not easy at all!!!

[spally]

i do very much like your poem. very nice imagery and rhymes. its very nice altogether.

[amanda_isabel]

beautiful poem spacetoon. except for a few corrections though, and i see that juarez has already taken care of that..

a question. do you guys post this stuff on the poetry post too? just asking.

[Juarez Fialho]

I usually post on online-poetry.com
They even have a grade rank where you vote on the best poems etc. You should try it sometime!
[]´s