A Poem About Night

[Pensive]

Sweet day has gone and I sit infront of gloomy night.
Thinking of any way to make myself cheerful and bright
Upon my very eyes, everything seems black and white
I am in reverie, I don't know that what is wrong and what is right?

Gloomy night has invaded the whole place
Dark it seems but I believe, it has its own grace
Waiting to get from people some praise
Trying to win with day, the hard race

Sweet day has gone and I sit infront of gloomy night
Still trying to remove the unhappiness from my sight
Uttering some words to sing the songs of rays of light
Thinking of a way to capture night before it reaches height

My spell is not working
My heart is fretting
Dark shadows are lurking
I am badly sulking

Sweet day has gone and all the time, night can't also stay
It is transient, I know so it should not be here for long anyway
Now night, you can't be here all the time, so what you say?
You will have to go astray, you will have to go astray

Day will come
It will shine
Everything will look
So very fine
But don't forget to write poems
Full of rhythm and rhyme
Because poems express your thoughts
And by reading/writing them pleasure is all your's as well as mine :D

Any comments will be very much appreciated.

I wrote the poem about for my Math exam which did not go well with a thought that next time, I might get good marks and I will be a happy person and the gloomy night or dark thoughts will leave me. After all we have to live with dark aspects of life and they have their own "grace" but "day" will also come, a time will come when night will vanish. :D

[ShoutGrace]

My spell is not working
My heart is fretting
Dark shadows are lurking
I am badly sulking


This was my favorite part, Pen. I can see you are combining Neverland and your petrol station!

p.s. Math is fun because if you work hard at it you can be good enough, unlike some subjects which for some reason require talent, or something.

Thank you for the poem! :D

[Nightshade]

I like it :nod: I really really do

Sweet day has gone and I sit infront of gloomy night
But this is my favourite line I think. BUt pensy darling I wouldnt have called it a song about Night. other than That I love it :nod:

[Bianca Fransen]

Dear Pensive,

Thank you for this wonderful poem :banana: . I loved everything up to the point that you wrote 'But don't forget to write poems'.. because before you adressed your reader directly your poem could be read in so many ways that it immediately set my fantasy working.

This is my favourite part:

Sweet day has gone and I sit infront of gloomy night
Still trying to remove the unhappiness from my sight
Uttering some words to sing the songs of rays of light
Thinking of a way to capture night before it reaches

Thank you very much!

[Mariam]

Nice poem there Pensive.

That's my best part:
"Upon my very eyes, everything seems black and white
I am in reverie, I don't know that what is wrong and what is right?"

And I do agree with Bianca about that shift
But I liked it..
Hope you do better in your math exams.

[Pensive]

Thank you very much Mariam, Bianca, Night and Grace for your positive comments!

Bianca, I love this line.....hehe....although I can understand that it does not seem suitable....but this is the last line I will want to edit.....but next time, I will keep that in mind. This is my problem that in the end or somewhere I address the readers directly. *confused*

Oh no Grace, Maths also requires talent!

Thanks Mariam. I also hope that next time, I will do better but the thing is I have got no talent in Maths but I can develop it. Can't I? *optmistic approach*

[Nightshade]

Good on you pensy do change anything you dont want to.
=
:D

[Xamonas Chegwe]

This shows promise Pensive. I like it better than your last poem. If I might make a suggestion - lose the rhyme. Rhyming a poem and still saying exactly what you wish to say, while making it sound natural, is one of the hardest things in the world. I think you should concentrate on expressing your thoughts and feelings accurately and add rhyme when you are moore confident in your voice. To my mind, you spoil what could be a really good poem with forced and false sounding rhymes, added just for the sake of it.

You are young - so I forgive you - especially since there is definitely talent there too. And I liked the "Don't forget to write poems" line - it has a charming, "note to self" feeling to it. I would change the next line to, "Don't worry if they rhyme" though! :D

Keep writing.