A Moment In Time

[Foxvoices]

Switch on--a low whine.
Eerie...black and white,
and many shades of green.
There, green men in black
pants and shirts, and green
hats...smiling black smiles.
Green packs on dark backs,
walking on white trails in
the green brush.
No friend of mine over there.
No friend of mine on that end
of the scope.

[blp]

Hey. Nice. Sorry I missed it up to now.

I think the end two/three lines from 'No friend' are weak, breaking up the loose pattern of repetition as they do. Also, not that keen on the wishy-washy title.

[Jarndyce]

Interesting, and I think blp's comments are spot on.

I'm not sure if you do, fox, but you should consider short fiction (or long). You have a nice sensibility to your use of language, and obviously some interesting stories to tell. I read this poem, and (dropping the last two lines) wondered what exactly was going to happen. I don't think that this poem is necessarily the place to explore that, but a story certainly would be.