i thought i was dead

[spally]

just when i thought i was dead,
that i couldn't feel this anymore.
the yelling and hateful words,
they all came back stronger that before.
what he did, how you cried.
when we fled, and then we lived.
now comes this, and the pain is back.
sleepless nights filled with those haeful words.
again crying myself to sleep at night.
i thought that i had become numb to this pain.
stronger than what you became.
i was wrong,
weakness has taken over.
consuming my heart like fire.
destroying, devoring my light.
just when i thought i was dead,
i came back to life feeling more than i felt before.
living this life again.
pretending that it will all be ok.
that inside i'm not dying.
weakness and fire consuming my light.
cryiing myself to sleep at night.
am i dying to live,
or just living to die.
at least maybe then i wouldn't have to pretend.
i won't have to cry,
living like this has made it so hard to love,
so hard to smile,
so hard to trust.
how can you trust fire to do anything but burn.
how can you love it,
other than for its beauty through destruction.
consuming the life that i wished to leave.
breaking me down,
listening to all you say.
making me weak,
taking my steangth.
mounting me on the wall.
just when i thought i was dead,
i opend my eyes and saw all this pain.
i thought i was dead,
.... now i'll just have to live.

[Bandini]

I'm sorry, I can't get past that ghastly avatar. Boo hoo.

[smilingtearz]

oh dear....

[imrad]

am i dying to live,
or just living to die

ok THIS one i like! good work

[Jarndyce]

Spally, dear, I don't mean this to be cruel, but I'm thinking that maybe some therapy might do you better than my critiquing your poem.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

I don't want to be cruel either but I just can't help YELLING, "Change the record - PLEEEEASE!"

You write fairly well but the "He left me and I'm so sad" thing has been done to death. There are other topics for a poem you know. Either a man leaves you every other day, or you are way too hung up on this particular dumpster - a piece of advice from a member of the opposite sex - we're all bastards and none of us are worth it - get over it!

[Riesa]

sheesh, xc, harsh, it's true that it's a common enough complaint, but my only real problem with this poem is the wording, it's just so cliche, if, spally, you'd just say things a little more interestingly, I'd probably like it more.

[spally]

i'd just like to say thank u to everyone that has said someting about my newest posts. please don't apologize for what you say. that last poem "i thought i was dead" wasn't about an ex boyfriend though, it was about my father, step father, and my mother. i'm just letting everyone in on. its not about me dying, its about all feeling dying. well thanks, and u can never be too curel when your voicing your opinion. later.

[blp]

Maybe the problem is that you're missing what poetry could do for you, Spally, saying everything so literally. There's a reason why good poetry doesn't do this - and it's not always just aesthetic. For reasons that aren't easy to explain or understand, it's almost always better to be concrete than abstract. From the point of view of the reader, it's less boring, but from the point of view of the writer it can be much more therapeutic. Perhaps it's that, in listing the impressions, memories, and generally objects associated with whatever's hurt you, you begin to see the whole rather than just wallowing in your own feelings. It might seem odd in the the throes of misery, but a more playful approach might help - a spot of word association say. The end poetic result, if there is one, might still be very sad and serious, but in a way that communicates to the rest of us.

[Riesa]

That's interesting spally, it gives the poem a lot more depth, it would have been nice if we could have understood that somehow in your poem, you wouldn't have to tell it straight out, but blp had some good advice back there. I like the poem more now that I know it is about your family, and not an old boyfriend.

[Juarez Fialho]

(...) we're all bastards and none of us are worth it - get over it! Strongly disagree! Some of us are exceedingly worthwhile. Just seek and persevere, you´ll probably find someone unique.

As for the poem, I like your wording although I fail to spot nice rhymes and style, maybe. But that’s just me, I don’t think you have a dramatic problem neither, I just think you are really hurt by something.

[Scheherazade]

i'd just like to say thank u to everyone that has said someting about my newest posts. please don't apologize for what you say. that last poem "i thought i was dead" wasn't about an ex boyfriend though, it was about my father, step father, and my mother. i'm just letting everyone in on. its not about me dying, its about all feeling dying. well thanks, and u can never be too curel when your voicing your opinion. later.I thought I should merge spally's recent thread with this one as she felt the need to explain her poem.

[jon1jt]

I don't want to be cruel either but I just can't help YELLING, "Change the record - PLEEEEASE!"

You write fairly well but the "He left me and I'm so sad" thing has been done to death. There are other topics for a poem you know. Either a man leaves you every other day, or you are way too hung up on this particular dumpster - a piece of advice from a member of the opposite sex - we're all bastards and none of us are worth it - get over it!

I'm a man, and I second that! :D

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Sorry for misinterpreting this Spally, but you have posted a few similar poems and I was beginning to think you were stuck in a rut. Re-reading, I can see that it's about more than just a boyfriend. I'm afraid that I never looked that closely before. The mood is just so relentlessly downbeat and repetitious that I skimmed a bit.

You should try to put in more specific references, trim a lot of the clichéd "It's so hard to go on" type lines and think more in terms of an overall structure for the poem. A constant outpouring of the identical emotions is only going to lose the readers interest - try and focus on a few specific incidents and describe them poetically - show what made you feel this way - don't merely state that you do.

btw, I'm glad you lost that avatar - it made your poems seem twice as depressing as they were! Perhaps we need an "Avatar for Spally" thread?

And beware of the "exceedingly worthwhile" men especially - they're the worst! :D

[Juarez Fialho]

And beware of the "exceedingly worthwhile" men especially - they're the worst! :D Laughing really loud!
XC, I adore your posts...
Ladies, please do not desist, I’m not married yet.


As for the poem, I did think it was about a boyfriend as well. Maybe it was hard to comprehend because the emotions drawn in are extremely personal (it has happened to me before). I think we could hear more about it, how about writing another poem spally?

[Riesa]

Or changing the title to something like 'suffer the children'.

[SleepyWitch]

hey, spally, if it's any help, i figured out it's about mothers and fathers and stuff right away...