blps

[white camellia]

... ... ...

[blp]

While this might seem like some sort of elliptical tribute to me, I should point out that camellia is using 'blp' in its literal sense, as invented by artist Richard Artschwagger, to mean a black shape of indeterminate form, similar or identical to a punctuation mark.

A nice spareness, slightly let down by lines 3 and 4 - which it seems to me could be left out completely. I wonder if overflowed should be in the present tense.

[white camellia]

A nice spareness, slightly let down by lines 3 and 4 - which it seems to me could be left out completely. I wonder if overflowed should be in the present tense.

yes, it's supposed to be overflow. :nod:

[jon1jt]

I have mixed feelings about this esoteric poem. I think L4 and last line are filler. "White page" is mentioned twice and all that's learned about the page is that it's "there" and that you dread falling into it, which can be inferred, in my mind, without L3. The white page holds "beautiful sentiments" but yet this comes out of a personal (mystical?) experience. And later in the poem there's mention of "shapeless blps," which is part of that beauty. The problem with L4 and L12 is they lack definition/color and a concrete image would do some good. "i can float myself" and "a vase with still waters" are vital to "how" the experience feels and gives this poem levity. Nice work, thanks for sharing.

[white camellia]

thank you so, Jon! i think some more concrete images would definitely do some good to it.

[Jarndyce]

Hang on dearly to "i can float myself/a vase with still waters" and consider the rest for revision. I like the feel of most of the things I read from you, and think you have a lovely sense of moment, but here you are crowding the room with trying to be a writer. By that I mean that there's a problem that many writers have of being too "writerly," of trying too hard to be clever and sound good, when just relaxing and simplifying makes it sound so much better. I see "sole brusquerie of my hands" and "shattered into shapeless blps/blurs brims of my feared objects" and think that this is a writer pushing too hard.

[jon1jt]

Hang on dearly to "i can float myself/a vase with still waters" and consider the rest for revision. I like the feel of most of the things I read from you, and think you have a lovely sense of moment, but here you are crowding the room with trying to be a writer. By that I mean that there's a problem that many writers have of being too "writerly," of trying too hard to be clever and sound good, when just relaxing and simplifying makes it sound so much better. I see "sole brusquerie of my hands" and "shattered into shapeless blps/blurs brims of my feared objects" and think that this is a writer pushing too hard.

I agree with you about holding onto the lines "i can float..." I think my first reaction to the poem was the same, but I read it again and I think the poem is intentionally abstract due in part to the experience that inspired it. The word "brusquerie" actually enriches the poem and that line fits into the larger tapestry. It's not necessarily a bad thing for poems/poets to demand readers to think critically...and even require us, occasionally, to reach for a dictionary (as I did while reading it). I'm able to visualize "shattered into shapeless blps" because it expands on the "black letters overflowing..." and fits into the sense that it's all "blurred" in the line after.

[Jarndyce]

It's not necessarily a bad thing for poems/poets to demand readers to think critically...and even require us, occasionally, to reach for a dictionary (as I did while reading it).

I agree, it's just that camelia seems very capable of wonderful, quiet moments but sometimes runs over the top of them with too much writing.

And for the record, the abstraction here doesn't bother me at all, because it is based on image and not exposition. I just think that pulling back a little bit and simplifying would do a world of good for this poem.

[white camellia]

what beautiful sentiments it holds
without a sole brusquerie of my hands

these are my favorite lines from which i can still recall the true feeling of that moment. i had no idea that this would appear strained and crowded. maybe sometimes by just following "the natural flow of things", especially a complex feeling, it won't work.
i appreciate your comments, Jarn! :)

and pleased that you read it carefully with pleasure(if that were), jon! ;)

[Jarndyce]

what beautiful sentiments it holds
without a sole brusquerie of my hands

these are my favorite lines from which i can still recall the true feeling of that moment

Like all things, take each opinion as just that, use what you wish, discard the rest. However, I'll make one more comment. Favorite lines are hard to cut, but often, at least for me, they can be the ones that work the least. My wife is constantly cutting my favorite lines.

"This just seems awkard."
"Yeah, but it's fantastic! I love that line."
"Maybe that's your problem, then, you like it too much."

She's almost always right.

[blp]

Like all things, take each opinion as just that, use what you wish, discard the rest. However, I'll make one more comment. Favorite lines are hard to cut, but often, at least for me, they can be the ones that work the least. My wife is constantly cutting my favorite lines.

"This just seems awkard."
"Yeah, but it's fantastic! I love that line."
"Maybe that's your problem, then, you like it too much."

She's almost always right.

'Young writers should go through their work and cross out all the good bits.' Samuel Johnson.