not that anyone is going to read this . . .

[mir]

see subject. but . . . . still, i would like some opinions. it seemed like a lit net poem. see if you can find the meter! (yes, it does have one : ) ) i'm only posting the first page becaseu it's long and nobody reads my threads anyways so i'll post the other pages if anyone cares.

An Absence of Angels

When died at fourteen
Fair maid, never loved and never lived
Did linger between
Heaven and hell, in red-bruised twilight.

Unjudged and uncared,
Fearing the advent of new indifference
A pale shadow there,
Unwilling to move beyond the known present.

In bright starless night
She waited for God or the Devil
To claim black or white
Dominance over her faded heart.

Until at last hell
Did reject her innocent soul, and decree
That it bade too well
To linger in still twilight forevermore.

And should go on forth
To the place where it truly belonged,
In the farthest north,
Where awaited the sweet pearly gates.

Upon the wind’s breath,
Her ephemeral conscience floated, so light,
Pale shadow in death
Mourning the end of sanguine oblivion.

Soon the gusts blew hard
To the massive opaline doorways
Where dreams’ shining shards
Gathered in whispering, shattered streams.

Her soul faced its fate,
Shrinking under the harsh burden of judgment
And for long did wait
To meet the incarnation of final truth.

But the gates stayed closed –
Unaware of the shuddering soul
Huddling exposed
Outside its coldly righteous façade.

Buried but not dead
With no purpose for existence, homeless shade,
Her psyche was led (lost psyche fled?)
Down dark paths of despairing fear to their end.

Though once rejected,
Now hopelessness pled the sad soul’s case –
Though unexpected,
It was now a tenant of the flames.

[blondeatheart]

wow it is long and to be honest i'm sorta busy so i just read the first line lol newy just postin so u get a reply i'll post an opinion ltr!

[Jarndyce]

Not my taste at all. Too wordy, too writerly, too fantastic. I have appreciation for the effort, but it's just not my cuppa tea.

[blondeatheart]

yea pretty good not my thing but nice work

[mir]

thanks for responding, though! : ) actually, i'm not nuts about wordy poems either (which totally explains why i wrote one : ) ), but "smart" poems seemed to get better reception here.

[cateye515]

thanks for responding, though! : ) actually, i'm not nuts about wordy poems either (which totally explains why i wrote one : ) ), but "smart" poems seemed to get better reception here.


well, i thought it was really good!

[grace86]

Well, I know junk about writing poetry. It seems pretty difficult to write, but I liked your poem a lot. Especially the stanza:

Soon the gusts blew hard
To the massive opaline doorways
Where dreams’ shining shards
Gathered in whispering, shattered streams.

I usually don't read poetry, but maybe its length or "wordiness" is what helped me understand it. Anyways, I think its pretty good.

[mir]

yay! i feel special. thanks, guys. do you think i should post the rest? it actually does go somewhere. : )

and since no one seems to have gotten the rhythm, most of the reason it's so wordy is becasue the 1st and 3rd lines each have five syllables and rhyme with each other, and the 2nd and 4th lines have 9 or 11 syllables each, alternating each stanza. random poetry rules are fun to make up . . . .

[grace86]

I say post it...I want to see what happens!

[grace86]

I do want to read the rest. But if you do post it, gotta read it later, because I am leaving at the moment. Look forward to it later though!

[mir]

okay . . . . enjoy! and thanks!

An Absence of Angels

When died at fourteen
Fair maid, never loved and never lived
Did linger between
Heaven and hell, in red-bruised twilight.

Unjudged and uncared,
Fearing the advent of new indifference
A pale shadow there,
Unwilling to move beyond the known present.

In bright starless night
She waited for God or the Devil
To claim black or white
Dominance over her faded heart.

Until at last hell
Did reject her innocent soul, and decree
That it bade too well
To linger in still twilight forevermore.

And should go on forth
To the place where it truly belonged,
In the farthest north,
Where awaited the sweet pearly gates.

Upon the wind’s breath,
Her ephemeral conscience floated, so light,
Pale shadow in death
Mourning the end of sanguine oblivion.

Soon the gusts blew hard
To the massive opaline doorways
Where dreams’ shining shards
Gathered in whispering, shattered streams.

Her soul faced its fate,
Shrinking under the harsh burden of judgment
And for long did wait
To meet the incarnation of final truth.

But the gates stayed closed –
Unaware of the shuddering soul
Huddling exposed
Outside its coldly righteous façade.

Buried but not dead
With no purpose for existence, homeless shade,
Her psyche was led (lost psyche fled?)
Down dark paths of despairing fear to their end.

Though once rejected,
Now hopelessness pled the sad soul’s case –
Though unexpected,
It was now a tenant of the flames.

In the bloody light
She was met by another eternal shade
And talked in the night
To it, of the rejection suffered by both.

“The fair gates are closed,”
It told her, one also meant for there,
“Heaven is foreclosed,
And there is an absence of angels.”

The poor girl, bemused,
Asked the weary spirit for explanation
Utterly confused
On how there could be an absence of angels.

“There are few good souls
In this deteriorating world;
Most fall to the coals
And heaven stands empty of people.

“Disbelief fades God,
And the angels already in heaven die
Amen is a nod
With no belief to bolster it up on high.

“No one can come in
Because no souls remain in the clouds
To purge the light sin
Which all once-living spirits contain.

“It’s an empty shell.”
The maiden stared horror at these sad words
Believing them well,
Having seen their fulfillance while bound to earth.

But the other shade,
Seeing the effect of his harsh truths,
A condolence bade
His suffering contemporary.

“Do not despair, child,
For me, this opportunity has long passed,
But you, undefiled,
May still be able to end this dire decay.

“You are still unbound
Still unconfined by Hell’s red hot chains,
And sure I have found
A way to escape this for a while.

“Make yourself reborn
Once again on earth, through reincarnation,
Join the groups of worn
Travelers who have been through here many times.

“No one will notice
Another Muslim among many
Or Buddhist lotus;
Buy yourself time, and effect a change.

“The world looks for hope,
And reaches blindly toward unsure conviction;
Teach them not to grope,
And show them that amor omnia vincit.”

A kiss said goodbye
Between the two pure denied seraphs;
To no longer die,
The one set off into the blackness.

And on earth no longer
Though be other dangers,
Would there be a risk of
An absence
Of angels.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

I did read it. I'm sure you knew there would be those of us here that would read anything (not that it's that bad!)

And it is wordy. There are a few adjectives that serve no purpose than to fill space ("sweet pearly gates" as an example). This is explained (but not fully condoned) by your syllabic verse structure.

We all (or at least, all of us when and if we decide on a set structure for a poem) fall victim to the constraints of that structure and are guilty of forcing words into a rigid, self-imposed framework. The trick (which I have by no means mastered and almost certainly never will) is to make this act of cramming and stretching seem effortless. Even Shakespeare didn't always acheive it, so what chance do we have? :D

I would like to see the rest of it, no matter how long. Please do post it. I would like to discover how this poor, lost soul ends up - which means that you have piqued and even held my interest, which is any writers dearest aim.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

...and as I post the ending here appears,
As if by magic, ending all my fears
Of missing how this verse-form story pans.
I now can read and then make other plans. :D

I must confess to preferring accentual verse to syllabic, it is far more suited to the english language. You could have acheived a similar effect with the 1st & 3rd lines in trimeter in each verse, and alternating the 2nd & 4th between pentameter and hexameter. I liked it though. There were some nice metaphors and images.

And it wasn't that long! You could have posted the whole thing from the off. We all come here because we like reading (allegedly), it's not a limerick forum. ;)

[mir]

heh heh. i have not yet discovered editing. the rest is already posted, just above your comment. i'll work on it.

[grace86]

I still continue to think that it is really good (if you don't mind the opinion of someone who has never studied the rules of poetry). It seemed to me like a story. I could picture everything you were describing. So your storytelling and description is great. Poems are probably more likely meant to stimulate emotion, so storytelling is probably not what you were going for. At the end I was thinking "I want to help, we need to fill heaven back up with angels!" So, take my opinion as it is...I think its great. And now (for some unknown reason) I think I want to take a poetry class.

[grace86]

Actually I have one more thing to add. What does amor omnia vincit mean? It is latin right?

[Scheherazade]

Actually I have one more thing to add. What does amor omnia vincit mean? It is latin right?Yes, it is Latin, meaning 'Love conquers all.'