What I Use To Be (Please read)

[xXxBrittanyxXx]

I use to be your eyes, ears, heart, and soul.
Now I am nothing more then your hatred, disgust, unhappiness, and heartache.
I am the wall that blocks you now,
But I use to be your detour.
I use to be your bridge to make it over water,
Now I am your sunken ship.
I use to be your light,
Now I am your darkness.
I use to be your feeling of love,
Now I am your feeling of hate.
You use to care about me,
But now you couldnt care less.
I use to be your world, your everything.
Be my answer and tell me why things changed,
Because I have not changed at all.
Be my answer because I am your question.


Feel free to leave your opinion about my poem and suggest some titles that would suite it better if you can.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

I started out thinking this was yet another young girl's "He dumped me" poem - of which we see a few around here - but it has a bit more to it than a lot of it's ilk. I like the last line, and also, "I am the wall that blocks you now, But I use to be your detour."

Some of the rest is a little clichéd - Light/darkness, love/hate especially - but there is the nucleus of a good poem here.

[xXxBrittanyxXx]

well thanks for your opinion. actually the poem is about my relationship with my father ever since he got a girlfriend.

[ktd222]

I'm having trouble distinguishing between the things you describe in your first two lines; can you please explain, Brit?

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Sorry about the misunderstanding but all that comes across is the breakup of a relationship. I just assumed the most obvious type of relationship. Perhaps a little more personal detail would give it a more specific direction and focus. Baring your soul is a large part of succesful poetry; be obscure by all means but try not to be too generic.

[Scheherazade]

I agree with XC that it comes across as a break up poem and there is nothing to suggest that it is about that of your father and yourself.

One thing though... I think it should be 'I/You used to be...'

[Regit]

One thing though... I think it should be 'I/You used to be...'
:p I would also like to add; I think it should be: "Now I am nothing more than your hatred..."

This poem has a nice sentiment. I hope you are feeling ok now Brittany.

[xXxBrittanyxXx]

thanx to all of you. with the first two lines of the poem it is basically saying i used to be his everything and now im nothing more then that to him. i hope i explained that well enough for you ktd222

[ktd222]

Sort of...I was hoping you referred to the eyes, ears, heart, and soul as physical, palpable things of his that you had a place in, but then, I wouldn't know what to do with the soul. Anyhow, what I am getting at is that maybe you have the pleasant(for lack of a better word) part of these things belonging to him, but suddenly, for some reason, you now are able to only feel the unpleasant part of these things of his: the hatred, disgust, unhappiness, and heartache. I don't know, I think I'm reaching but i can't get pass those two lines without being confused. Maybe you can revise those the two beginning lines or help me understand more about what your saying because I'm still unsure.

[xXxBrittanyxXx]

i think you just pretty much explained it to yourself lol. from what you just said you explained what i was trying to explain...but i couldnt figure out how to. so yep i think you got the idea. o and the soul...its like i used to be a part of him and now im not. but the only thing is that the unpleasant things of him is not what i feel...its what i think he feels towards me.

[ktd222]

o and the soul...its like i used to be a part of him and now im not. but the only thing is that the unpleasant things of him is not what i feel...its what i think he feels towards me.

I think you can do without the soul because it would contridict what your trying to establish, which is 'being part of him' in whatever capacity that is.


but the only thing is that the unpleasant things of him is not what i feel...its what i think he feels towards me

This is a neat idea. So go and revise and finalize, and I would be interested in what you come up with.

[Jarndyce]

I use to be your eyes, ears, heart, and soul.
Now I am nothing more then your hatred, disgust, unhappiness, and heartache.
I am the wall that blocks you now,
But I use to be your detour.
I use to be your bridge to make it over water,
Now I am your sunken ship.
I use to be your light,
Now I am your darkness.
I use to be your feeling of love,
Now I am your feeling of hate.
You use to care about me,
But now you couldnt care less.
I use to be your world, your everything.
Be my answer and tell me why things changed,
Because I have not changed at all.
Be my answer because I am your question.


See, here's the thing, and it's beginning to sound like a tired refrain from me, I know, but the subject of your poem is obscured by it's abstractions. When you use terms like "hatred, disgust, unhappiness and heartache" you've lost any bit of power in the poetry. Pardon the taste of politics, but it's like fighting a war on terror. Terror is a feeling. The only war on terror happens in bedrooms and psychologists' offices. Wars are fought against objects, not ideas. Poetry uses objects to portray ideas. So, your job as a poet, is to find ways to describe the abstract feelings. And, quite frankly, you do it much better here:

"its like i used to be a part of him and now im not. but the only thing is that the unpleasant things of him is not what i feel...its what i think he feels towards me," than you do with the actual first few lines of the poem.

Here's a great example of taking abstractions and making them concrete:

"What is the tongue
A. The black coat that fell off the wall
With sleeves trying to say something"
(from "Some Last Questions" by WS Merwin)

My suggestion to you: You know what you are trying to describe. Take the strongest line "Now I am your sunken ship" and build around that. Drive yourself to find concrete, tangible ways to describe the feelings and abstractions. They are there, I promise. "I used to be your light/Now I am your darkness." What kind of thing or things can stand in place of a phrase like that. Lightbulbs, fireflys, pulsars, miners' headlamps after a long shift, running lights on a boat in choppy water, warning beacons on radio towers, etc. Find the objects that are important to you with your relationship with your father, and use those to describe the abstract. Your poem will blossom.

Then, bring it back, and show it to us.