I Wait.. (would be glad if someone could suggest a better title)

[smilingtearz]

I Wait...

I lie down talking to myself,
Forgotten and alone...
"where are you?" I whisper in the air..
The lonliness has grown...

My eyes, anticipate a glimpse of you
I grope about in the darkness,
In vain hope that it'll be you, that i find...
Until realize that i'm powerless..

Was hoping that fate would be merciful..
Dreaming, reality were more beautiful..
Wishing, destiny wasn't playing such a game..
Helplessly again i call out your name..

For a moment i silenced myself,
Even my heartbeats stopped to listen..
what if you'd answer...
But my hopes were then imprisoned!

All that came back was an echo...
They say truth hits hard.
and the truth is that you mean a lot...
It's hard to live apart... :(
~Eva


P.s. Open to Comments and criticism. Please suggest a better title also, if possible
Thank you
Eva

[Grumbleguts]

Very sad but a little impersonal. Some specifics about the one you miss would be good. I like this line 'Even my heartbeats stopped to listen..'
You should concentrate on the metre a little more as well. Reading it aloud as one should always do with poetry, it lacks a definite rhythm. As an example, the third line of the first stanza has an extra beat to it, listen to the verse and it goes:

ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum
ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum
ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum
ti-tum ti-tum ti-tum

After that, the metre goes all over the place. I feel that if one is going to rhyme one should also add metre to a poem otherwise it sounds too forced. If you read any other comments of mine you will see that this is one of my pet hates - nothing personal.
I hope you find these comments helpful in your development as a poet.

[smilingtearz]

yeah i noticed that ..
but all of it came so fast i never edited the whole thing a second time
Was writing this as a random cell phone message to a friend yesterday night, didn't have the patience to edit it... so i put it here directly.
I'll try to take care of the metre next time and i'll try to modify this one..
Thanks Grumble.. :)

[Grumbleguts]

You are very welcome my dear.

Editing a poem is essential in my opinion. Writing poetry is never easy.
Something scribbled down from the top of the head usually LOOKS like something scribbled down from the top of the head. The great poets spent weeks, months or even years constantly revising their poetry and not just the long epics.
Read any book by a poet about writing poetry and you will undoubtedly hear tales of agonising for days over a single word.
Why do they do it? Two reasons: - because they care about the finished work - and because experience has shown them that it is worthwhile to take time over a poem.

[smilingtearz]

I Wait...

I lie down talking to myself,
Forgotten and alone...
"where are you?" I softly ask,
The lonliness has grown...

My eyes, anticipate a glimpse of you
I grope about in the darkness,
In vain hope that you are here...
But i realize, i'm powerless..

Was hoping that fate would be merciful..
Dreaming, reality were more beautiful..
Destiny was playing so cruel a game..
Helplessly again i call out your name..

For a moment i silenced myself,
Even my heartbeats stopped to listen..
what if you'd answer...
But my hopes were then imprisoned!

All that came back was an echo...
They say, truth hits hard.
The truth is that you mean a lot...
It's hard to live apart... :(
~Eva

[Grumbleguts]

Well done. The metre in the first stanza is now perfect. But the rest is still confused. Read it aloud to your dog, cat or goldfish and listen to the way that the words fall from your tongue. The first verse bounces but the second and subsequent stanzas stumble instead. Listen and you will hear it. Once you can hear what I mean you can think how to make the rest of the poem bounce like the beginning and THEN you will be on the path to writing TRUE poetry. I wish you bon voyage upon that road.

[smilingtearz]

I don't have a dog, a cat or a goldfish... but i read it it out aloud to my guitar... umm, and i think i get what you're trying to say, one more chance.. i'll come back and post tomorrow morning... it's dinnertime here..
please be sure to come back, read and comment...
I would like to get this one straightened!

[smilingtearz]

wait isn't the Last stanza okay?

[Grumbleguts]

The last stanza is composed of the correct number of beats but in a different rhythm to the first.
Istead of

di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum
di-dum di-dum di-dum
di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum
di-dum di-dum di-dum

it goes

dum-di dum-di dum-di dum-di
di-dum dum-di dum
di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum
di-dum di-dum di-dum

This is not really 'wrong' it merely gives a different kind of bounce to the words. The important thing is to have the same number of 'dum's in corresponding lines. You start in the first stanza with 4, 3, 4, 3 and you end with the same. It's the verses in the middle that are confused.

The middle stanza 'Was hoping...' etc. is in a different rhyme scheme (you rhyme the 1st and 3rd lines everywhere else but the 1st with 2nd and 3rd with 4th in this verse) which can work to the poems advantage, making it a centrepiece. I would choose a different metre here too, to match the rhyming, perhaps 4 beats in each line:

di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum
di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum
di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum
di-dum di-dum di-dum di-dum

the 2nd and 4th stanzas would work best in the same style as the 1st and 5th.

Of course, all of this is only one old man's opinion. All I am really doing is stating my own preferences. There is no REAL right or wrong way to do it.

I have to go now. I may get a chance to look at any changes you make tomorrow. To be honest it is rather nice to be a teacher again.

[smilingtearz]

I Wait...

I lie down talking to myself,
Forgotten and alone...
"where are you?" I softly ask,
The lonliness has grown...

My eyes, anticipate a glimpse of you
I grope about in dark,
In vain hope that you are here...
Wish you weren't so far..

Fate was not being merciful,
Was playing a cruel game...
Reality was making me weak,
Everytime i took your name..

For a moment i silenced myself,
Even my heartbeats stopped to listen..
"Would I hear your voice again?"
But my hopes were then imprisoned!.... (i know this still doesn't sound comfortable)

All that came back was an echo...
They say, truth hits hard.
The truth is that you mean a lot...
It's hard to live apart... :(
~Eva

didn't touch the last stanza... is it any better?

[Grumbleguts]

I think it sounds much improved. What matters most is whether you do.
I think you can still improve this but I will leave the details up to you. I hope that I have been some small help. You are right about the fourth stanza still sounding awkward but I am glad that you can spot that yourself. As an ex-teacher I glean a great deal of pleasure from such things, it means that I have taught, which is a far rarer thing in the teaching profession than one might imagine.
PS. You might want to look at the beats in first line of stanza two again also.
And be careful that you don't lose any of the meaning in the poem by dropping words so that it fits the scansion. It is better sometimes to find a completely new way to say the same thing rather than drop a word and lose the sense of the line. I am thinking of 'I grope about in dark,' which has lost its grammatical sense when you changed it. Maybe something like 'I'm groping in the dark,' would work better. Poetry is not easy, the best poetry just LOOKS easy

[smilingtearz]

I Wait...

I lie down talking to myself,
Forgotten and alone...
"where are you?" I softly ask,
The lonliness has grown...

My eyes, anticipate a glimpse of you
I grope about in dark,
In vain hope that you are here...
Wish you weren't so far..

Fate was not being merciful,
Was playing a cruel game...
Reality was making me weak,
Everytime i took your name..

A moment i silenced myself,
My heartbeats stopped to listen..
"Would I hear your voice again?"
My hopes were but imprisoned

All that came back was an echo...
They say that truth hits hard.
The truth is that you mean a lot...
It's hard to live apart...

[AimusSage]

:) I like it :nod: