An insight into my dreams,..

[DrDevious]

I only feel to post the initial part of the poem as im not entirely happy with some of the rest,..just wondered on opinions about persevering with it.

It addresses sleep paralysis, faith and the changing nature of my dreams.

Its all true.

Those lucid dreams, those nights i'd fly
A bird of pray in a cloudless sky
Jaded memories from a time gone by
A cacophony of angst now my lullaby


Thankyou

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Nice meter mostly, but you lose it a little in the last line - it feels a little forced to me, like you tried to fit a syllable too many in. And it's bird of prey, not pray. Not really enough to go on here, but a reasonable beginning.

[DrDevious]

Thanks for the response.

The bird of pray is intentional and ties in with degrees of faith being lost later on in the poem (formerly a bird of pray and certainly not of prey),..but being that i haven't posted that it would appear incorrect.

The meter as opposed to the words are what i have issue with in the rest of the poem,..but im working on it!...

[Bandini]

I don't care enough about meter - if I did I think my poems would be lots better!

[DrDevious]

Those lucid dreams, those nights i'd fly
A bird of pray in a cloudless sky
Jaded memories from a time gone by
A Discordiant angst now my lullaby

[2nd stanza maybe]

Tortured in an insect strewn abyss
Corporally confined through paralysis
Crawled upon in helplessness
A House of cards my edifice

[Xamonas Chegwe]

You're right about the meter, it gets worse here - first line is pentameter (iambic with a trochaic substitution to start), the next is a mess, and the last two are tetrameter. Following from a first verse that was (more or less) tetrameter throughout, this is confusing to the ear. Try reciting it aloud and you will see what I mean.

On the plus side, your word images are good. I would either pay more attention to the meter, or give up rhyming altogether (which is my usual approach). Whichever, it needs work.