please read this poem

[formality hater]

"I AM IN TROUBLE"


I am about to faint,
this feeling is driving me crazy

Another step and I am dead,
my mouth is dry from screaming

My body is splitting into pieces,
and my head is about to burst

Even the idea of flying in the sky,
is not making things easy

I moaned cried and yelled,
but it didn't finish the pain

I felt the same before,
and I "did" figure out this game

My feet are on fire,
because my shoes are tight again
.................................................. ........

I'll be waiting for your comments.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

I like this a lot better than your other poem formality. Perhaps you should leave rhyming for now and concentrate on words and rhythm. I love the last couplet.

The only major criticism I have is with this couplet, "Even the idea of flying in the sky, is not making things easy", you seem to lose the rhythm of the poem here - it's first line could do with being shorter - maybe drop "in the sky". Apart from that, very good.

[genoveva]

Maybe try revising without so many pronouns. Rethink putting "did" in quotations...

[Pensive]

formality-hater, this is very good!

[ktd222]

You've got me confused in the beginning. What is this 'feeling' referring to? Is it the feeling that you could die at any moment that is driving you to the brink of crazy, and that that is also what is making you want to faint? If it is, thats very cool because you've set up the stanzas in a way that even though the thought of your death at any moment can come, you continue on(writing). The last word of each stanza: crazy/screaming/burst/easy/pain/game/again are suggestions of coming to this breaking point where you 'faint' and stop writing, but you continue on writing. You have some type of poetic element working into your poem between stanzas and I would work on that.

[formality hater]

Thanks everyone. :nod:
You got it right ktd222.

[ktd222]

I would love to see the final version if you ever finish it.