lets do some rhyming

[formality hater]

3
hello everyone,lets do some rhyming.

"POETRY IS THE VOICE OF SOUL NO MATTER WHAT STYLE YOU HAVE TO EXPRESS IT"
SO JOIN IN ;)
.................................................. .

Please read this poem and comment my new friends. :cool:


for it lies deep inside the hearts
a new time and new trends
but to peek inside new minds
in a flick your world might end
and i saw them busy in nothing
pretending to struggle for something
the treasure which they might find,
like the chain of sin that binds
so there is nothing they are truly gaining
for there fight have been flaws in their trainning
to wish for reforming,banging head on a log
the more i think of them,
"the more i respect my dog"
*********************************

i hope that you will find this thread intersting .You might say that it is a childish endeavour. :goof:

[formality hater]

hello,i am waiting guys!!!!

[TBtheG]

Im afraid I dont know what you're talking about.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

You say "let's do some rhyming", but you seem to have no true rhyme scheme in this poem. You half-rhyme and rhyme alternate lines in one place and couplets in the next.

You have left in plenty of typos too. "for there fight have been flaws in their trainning" - surely, that was meant to be 'might' not 'fight' and training has a single 'n'.

It's not too bad as far as the concept goes but it needs a lot of work. it reads like something scribbled in a hurry and never revisited.

Sorry if this sounds negative, but you did insist.

[Bandini]

'fraid I agree with Xamonas - but the last couplet had a bit of a Bukowskian ring to it - always a good thing in my opinion.

[EAP]

Emo is NOT cool.

Edit: Welcome, by the way. :)

[formality hater]

You r right about that hurry thing.I know I am poor in rhyming thats why i came up with the idea of starting this thread.I guess people who are far more better than me can help me to improve :nod: .Thanks a lot.
(it looked good when I sang it with the snap of my fingers. :confused: )

I GIVE UP!:smash: