Valentine’s Evening at Midtown Station

[Jarndyce]

Valentine’s Evening at Midtown Station

A couple spins embraced,
her black wool coat twirling out
and up around her knees,
his ruby scarf pinned beneath the hug
of her pale wrists. Cold,
rusted rails tick and buzz
as a train slows into the station
like a seductive, creeping trance.

An old woman,
her dark feet in white shoes tired
from a day polishing handrails,
romance novel asleep on her lap,
frosted breath hanging silently
around her furrowed brown face
and red, quiet eyes,
holds in her fist one Charlotte rose
drying, curling, at the fringe.

First the lovers, and then the woman
board the south-bound train,
leaving only an unused transfer ticket
and three soft petals cuddled
in a crimson heap on the marble bench.

[Bandini]

By! There's some talent on this site! I really enjoyed that. I love a bit of pathos me.

[Jarndyce]

Comments? Suggestions? Ridicule?

[Xamonas Chegwe]

You know, I could have sworn I already commented on this. :confused:

I liked it when I first saw it - I must have been in too much of a rush to scribble down a "nice poem" or something. Sorry Jarndyce. Unless you posted twice?

It really is very evocative of time and place. I love some of the images you conjour up, "Cold, rusted rails tick and buzz as a train slows into the station" - which is exactly what they do - but I don't think I heard it put like that before.

Good stuff.

[blp]

Oh well, since you asked, a bit of ridicule: the imagery is like a shot list for an eighties pop video - something promoting Genesis maybe, or, I don't know, Cyndi Lauper after she stopped wanting to have fun. Harsh moi? Try to be more original!

[Jarndyce]

Oh well, since you asked, a bit of ridicule: the imagery is like a shot list for an eighties pop video - something promoting Genesis maybe, or, I don't know, Cyndi Lauper after she stopped wanting to have fun. Harsh moi? Try to be more original!

Nice! Thank you. There are times when one is too close to the work, and getting a sharp perspective helps, tremdously. Because, holy crap, you're right.

[mir]

i like it - especially the "romance novel asleep in her lap". that's a great line; the whole poem has wonderful imagery.

[blp]

Nice! Thank you. There are times when one is too close to the work, and getting a sharp perspective helps, tremdously. Because, holy crap, you're right.

Thanks. Glad that wasn't too near the knuckle.

[Virgil]

I like it overall. Maybe because I was never into those videos, I don't know them. I thought the imagery was clear and sharp and the language smooth and interesting for the most part. Could have used a little more umph in some line somewhere. I particularly liked the train coming in a "seductive, creeping trance." I don't quite get the significance of the justaposition of the lovers with the old woman, but since no one else has commented on it, it's probably just me.