There Are Days

[Riesa]

........

[Grumbleguts]

This really is good. If I am reading it aright, you are describing a feeling of depression here. I do so hope that you are doing so from distant memory. I should hate to think that you were enduring one of these days at the moment, or indeed ever.

I am especially fond of the following lines:

"the clouds all make shapes / Like daggers or shark’s teeth.",

"watching / The dirty hill sprout rags",

"And Mother gives no worms.",

"Wings pressed close and dormant / Remember their instinct for flight."

You have a well developed talent for using words. I think I need to look backwards into the bowels of this thread to see what other pearls you have deposited and that I have missed and if you haven't posted your poetry before, please do. There is much that is mediocre here, we need poems like this for contrast.

[Chinaski]

I like this a lot- particularly the debutante simile.

[Virgil]

Grumble
If you search for Riesa's threads you will find a few other poems that will knock your socks off. I find her poems more than just remarkable.


Riesa
Another fine poem. What more can I say.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Striiiiiiiike!!! Perfect 10 for Riesa yet again.

Admit it Ri, you do this for a living, right?

[Riesa]

Thanks, Grumbleguts, Chinaski, Virgil and XC, for your kind comments, and no, I'm not always that depressed, and I don't have anything to admit to. :p

[Page]

Hi! I enjoyed reading this poem a lot. I ABSOLUTELY loved the first three stanzas, but then I hit some blind spots and couldn't make head or tail what certain stanzas meant as if you were holding back, not giving enough of yourself. But, this is more due to my inability to sift through the complexity of a brilliantly worded poem than anything else.

[Weeping Willow]

Well..
Riesa my dear..
I could feel the sadness... the coldness... shiviring throw me...
I thought about the grey rainy sky... and my tears were falling...
I felt this strange force wraping me with blue glowing ice..
And yet we came out marching proudly on the other side holding hands, you and I ,
Smiling till the end.

[Jarndyce]

Okay, I'm new here, so I'm not exactly sure how much people want critique, but here it goes:

First off, I'll say that I liked the poem in general. There is some very nice imagery here, "oaks sag," "languishing trees," "clouds...like daggers, or shark's teeth," all are quite nice.

What a really want is more concrete, however, and less abstraction. Instead of "these days" I want "this day." Use of "life" and "lives" is too easy for this poem, it begs for something solid here. Again, I'm new to the forum, but just from this piece I can see that you have more talent than that. Find an image that better evokes what "folding life/To fit inside this house" looks and feels like. I can see what you're working here, and it does work, but it could be sharper. You've set up the sketch of the scene, now really get in there and instead of talking about life, show it. For that matter, I could do without the "roof of my mouth" stanza altogether.

It's good. I think you can make it much better by just revising a bit more, tighten it up.

[Riesa]

I definitely want criticism. How else do we learn? Thanks for the thoughts Jarndyce. And welcome to the forum.

Thanks, Willow, :D and Page for your comments as well.

[Pensive]

Riesa, as I am not good with criticism, I am afraid that I can't help you much but this is a wonderful poem. It is your best one! I have read your other poems and I liked them very much but this is the best one.

Keep on writing more and more!

[shinigami]

Well, I must say it is a ... wonderful poem but it lacks a certain... how should i put it.. symmetry... it really does take you to a place like that.. powerful.. good choice of words.. paints a scenery very much like that of which u speak... but there are some instances that i believe u could have chosen more.. specific words that will strike better... I'm a newbie here too... anyway.. going back to the topic... It is a most splendid of poems.. but just as every person has flaws.. this poem has some too... Great all the same though revision can do wonders for it. Congratulations! Riesa, if I may ask.. DO you make a living from this?