Switching Place

[Pensive]

I have recently written this poem. Your comments will be really appreciated.


Switching Place

Hello was said by earth to sky.
Sky then happily uttered hi

If I ask you something, Will you mind?
I am very unhappy, will you be kind?

Oh my dear earth, what is that you want?
I will try to help you or should I taunt?

I want you to do me a favor, dear sky
It might be difficult but it is worth a try

Oh my sister, tell me what is it and then I will try
I am not sure that I will do it so I will not tell a lie

Ah, my brother, you are so good, elegant and kind
If you will not do it, then also I will certainly not mind

Now tell me what is that you want me to do?
Will you tell me because I have not got a clue?

O sky, will you be able to take my place?
If you will do this, wouldn’t it be grace?

Why do you want to switch place?
What is the matter, what is the case?

You are sky and you are better.
You are up and you do matter

How does it matter?
What is the better?

You are blue and beautiful and it looks like you have wings
I am desperate because I am used by human beings.

Look my sister, you live with company
You are not lonely so you should be merry.

You are sky and they look at you for shelter
People seek your help so you should matter.

I do matter but you also matter because people ask you for food.
You provide them fruits, vegetables and stuff when you are in a good mood.

My dear sky, now you have made me happy and glad
You are right that I should not be sad or mad

I do matter and you do matter
In this universe, nothing is litter

This was the tale of earth and sky
They lived happily then, it is not a lie

Now hear this thing
And you will cry

Now both of them are unhappy
Because they are used badly

People don’t use them for good so they are very mad
If you will be good to each other, they will not be so sad.

Help earth, sky, yourself and I
Now don’t ask me why

Thanks for giving it your time. You can be harsh in your comments because it will teach me to write better poetry. :p

[ElizabethSewall]

Let me apologise dear Pensive for I won't be harsh. :p
I like it very much, especially the rhythm. It is nice reading out loud.
Keep going (and sorry again if I am no help... :blush: ).

[blp]

Pensive, at the moment your work seems stuck between the freedom of a lot of modern poetry and the restraints of more traditional poetry. There's actually no reason why poetry shouldn't incorporate elements of both, but not if it's just a compromise, which (here's the harsh bit), I'm afraid it is here.

You're using rhyming couplets, a traditional form, but you're not, as a traditional poet would, underpinning that with any metrical regularity. Your lines are all over the place, long when you feel like it, short when you don't. This means, effectively, that your work has the appearance of traditional poetry, but none of the formal substance. You don't even stick to the rhyme scheme, opting sometimes not for a complete rhyme but a near one (assonance) and sometimes not bothering to rhyme at all.

I think if you want to keep on with traditional poetic form, you need to do it properly. Study up on metre and try to write poems that stick to a metrical form.

Other than that, you need to work on making your rhymes sound less forced - almost as if they happened by chance in the course of you saying what you really wanted to say. At the moment, it feels like what you can say is restricted by the desire to rhyme. As Yeats wrote:
'A line may take us hours, but if it does not seem a moment's thought/Then all our stitching and unstitching has been for nought.'

[Pensive]

Thank you very much Elizabeth and blp for reading it and giving your views about this poem!

Elizabeth, Believe me, your response is a great help. What can be better for a poet than readers giving response whether positive or negative. It always helps!

blp, Next time, I hope that I will write a better poem. Thanks for expressing yourself. What you have said is really good and mature, it will surely help me a lot.

[Riesa]

Hey Pensy, Nice poem, I agree with blp about the rhyming, but I found much to like here, it's could almost make a nice folktale or children's book, (with the right illustrator)

What really stood out that I thought should go is the word "stuff", reminded me of English class, and saying to my teacher, 'that's dumb stuff', and his response was something along the lines of, "only dumb people use words like dumb," I don't remember exactly, it was a long time ago, (and I still use the word dumb, when I feel like it, I'm rebellious by nature ;)) but he made his point.

I like these lines the best.

You are blue and beautiful and it looks like you have wings
I am desperate because I am used by human beings.

Keep it up, you little genius you. :D

[Pensive]

Thanks Riesa! Ok, so I am replacing "stuff" with "home" and I am also adding "shelter" with "food"


Hello was said by earth to sky.
Sky then happily uttered hi

If I ask you something, Will you mind?
I am very unhappy, will you be kind?

Oh my dear earth, what is that you want?
I will try to help you or should I taunt?

I want you to do me a favor, dear sky
It might be difficult but it is worth a try

Oh my sister, tell me what is it and then I will try
I am not sure that I will do it so I will not tell a lie

Ah, my brother, you are so good, elegant and kind
If you will not do it, then also I will certainly not mind

Now tell me what is that you want me to do?
Will you tell me because I have not got a clue?

O sky, will you be able to take my place?
If you will do this, wouldn’t it be grace?

Why do you want to switch place?
What is the matter, what is the case?

You are sky and you are better.
You are up and you do matter

How does it matter?
What is the better?

You are blue and beautiful and it looks like you have wings
I am desperate because I am used by human beings.

Look my sister, you live with company
You are not lonely so you should be merry.

You are sky and they look at you for shelter
People seek your help so you should matter.

I do matter but you also matter because people ask you for shelter and food.
You provide them fruits, vegetables and home when you are in a good mood.

My dear sky, now you have made me happy and glad
You are right that I should not be sad or mad

I do matter and you do matter
In this universe, nothing is litter

This was the tale of earth and sky
They lived happily then, it is not a lie

Now hear this thing
And you will cry

Now both of them are unhappy
Because they are used badly

People don’t use them for good so they are very mad
If you will be good to each other, they will not be so sad.

Help earth, sky, yourself and I
Now don’t ask me why