water/ode to me and l. macbeth

[amuse]

i have been thirsty-
i do not mean
like one in the desert;
that i could stand.

i have craved water
with it all around
holding my cup out under
rivers tumbling

cascading heavily
threatening
to drown
but my cup
remains empty i
cannot be cleansed

and the guilt remains
tattooed on my skin
brazen and ashamed
to be here
proclaiming
to the world
that even water
refuses me

relief in heat or in rain
revels in pain

i thought the winds
would heal the
water would cool
i was wrong

and i am not strong
enough to beg

i try to heal i want
to water my plants
to remember
my daughter
kicking, splashing

but the rainbows
are gone and
silver-gray
spangles instead
blind my eyes

is my cup is
too small
am i invisible

i just want to be
clean again.

[IrishCanadian]

Thats really intersting. I like "and I am not strong / enough to beg."
I think this poem got better the second time I read it.

[blp]

I think there's a very intense poem in there, but it's not quite able to breathe yet. I'd lose any archaic words and phrases, e.g. change 'I cannot be cleansed' to 'I can't get clean'. It would make it more immediate and less melodramatic, less striving for effect. There are also sense issue, e.g. the very first line 'I have been thirsty' - aren't you still thirsty? And in S2, the craving water with it all around is too close, for my liking, to 'water water all around and not a drop to drink'. The bit after that about rivers tumbling etc. is great, but goes very suddenly into talk of not being able to get clean, when up to then you've been talking about thirst.
Tattooed, you probably know, you've spelled wrong.
The Macbeth thing is interesting. It would be nice if you could actually make something of it in the poem.

[amuse]

right now these are therapeutic...my stuff won't be much good for a while, juvenile if you will. so i 'pologize in advance.
lol, i've got two tats and couldn't spell properly, thx!
i'll work on this (for a change), and good point re: the cliche, it came to mind as i was writing and became (obviously) really hard to steer away from.
good point re: thirst then switching to cleanliness.


thanks for your comments, IC (may i call you that or do you prefer your full name?) and blp.