81mg

[white camellia]

... ... ...

[blp]

When I first read this, I thought it was a doctor talking to you. Now, I'm not sure, but it seems as if it might be your father, worrying that you might have heart problems because he does. Is that it?

It's good, but I don't think it's one of your strongest. Sometimes it's hard to turn these intense personal experiences into art. Perhaps it's almost like trying to turn one good art work into another.

[HjusOticePlostE]

I found that in the 8th stanza, it doesn't seem to fit within the context of the poem itself. I find that in this writing you seem really disconnected with the speaker of the poem, whether this is intentional, or not. I think overall, it was good, but whatever point you are trying to convey is getting lost within the words. You are to wordy, for such a personal story, rather then an exact replication of the mood/feeling you were at that time. Hope this helped!?!

[white camellia]

When I first read this, I thought it was a doctor talking to you. Now, I'm not sure, but it seems as if it might be your father, worrying that you might have heart problems because he does. Is that it?

Not father, but the lover who may sound like a father.



It's good, but I don't think it's one of your strongest. Sometimes it's hard to turn these intense personal experiences into art. Perhaps it's almost like trying to turn one good art work into another.

Indeed. Maybe just as e.e.cummings wrote:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
I have that too near feeling and then I feel hard to put it into words.

[white camellia]

I found that in the 8th stanza, it doesn't seem to fit within the context of the poem itself. I find that in this writing you seem really disconnected with the speaker of the poem, whether this is intentional, or not.

I'm afraid that I really get lost in my own feelings as you said "getting lost within the words"-Sometimes I find that by painting, I can express myself better than words. Oh ...


I think overall, it was good, but whatever point you are trying to convey is getting lost within the words. You are to wordy, for such a personal story, rather then an exact replication of the mood/feeling you were at that time. Hope this helped!?!

V, should write skillfully. Thank you, HOPE!

[blp]

Indeed. Maybe just as e.e.cummings wrote:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near
I have that too near feeling and then I feel hard to put it into words.

Yes, and there's the old 'poetry is emotion recollected in tranquillity' axiom.

[blp]

Hey, I found out recently that taking aspirin isn't good for you!

[Virgil]

Hey, I found out recently that taking aspirin isn't good for you!

In what way, blp? Doctor recommended my mother take one every day. There is a possiblilty of a stroke if your blood gets too thin. But other than that I haven't heard any other negatives.

White Camilia, I love this poem. Only thing I might change is that last line seems redundant to me. To my ear I think you could delete it. I'm not a fan of repetition just to re-emphasize. I think you already said it. An intriguing poem.

[blp]

Yes, it was the stroke risk and also, if I remember rightly, it can cause ulcers.

[Virgil]

Yes, it was the stroke risk and also, if I remember rightly, it can cause ulcers.

Oh yes, you're right about stomach ulcers. But on balance, doctors still recommend it for older people. I think I also saw an article on a reduced colon cancer risk. But memory on that is fuzzy and I may be confusing it with something else.

[brokenheartpoet]

Your poem is great , I would not change anything but I am a beginner, so go with your gut