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white camellia
04-03-2006, 03:05 PM
You are the Different-
Who am I?
I'm the Different too,
Then the Differents a couple as I

Lie within ashes of crumble-
A handful of humble dole
For parallel faces of the thrall
And split shackles of sorrow

That concedes.

Dream is bigger than fear
Lost in the purple air;

Livid palpitating lips
warmed by a kiss-
Then space around our waists
I see a different light begirds.

blp
04-04-2006, 05:58 AM
The opening seems to me to owe too much to Emily Dickinson - that 'I'm nobody too' one of hers.

white camellia
04-05-2006, 04:15 AM
The opening seems to me to owe too much to Emily Dickinson - that 'I'm nobody too' one of hers.

I feel the same way as you do. I didn't know untill I wrote it.

blp
04-05-2006, 05:58 AM
happens sometimes doesn't it?

Pensive
04-05-2006, 06:17 AM
Camellia, it seems quite good to me. I like it.

white camellia
04-05-2006, 06:39 AM
happens sometimes doesn't it?

Hmm, it does, it seems.

And please don't be that gentle to my writing. ;)
It's neither native, nor foreign, probably a mix of two languages. I found the rhyme a bit strained too. I personally prefer free verse.

white camellia
04-05-2006, 06:39 AM
Camellia, it seems quite good to me. I like it.

très bien, Pensive, merci! ;)

Pensive
04-05-2006, 07:02 AM
Hehe, Is it French? I am not that much good with French, *sheepish smile*

blp
04-05-2006, 07:26 AM
She said, very good, Pensive, thank you.

HjusOticePlostE
04-07-2006, 12:01 AM
I like the idea, that "the different" becomes a couple, however you pose such a very broad question that seems to be to oppressing to the poem. I did notice the ED characteristics, but I don't think they are applied in the same way. I like this poem, a lot more then "81mg". I found this to be more personal, just when writing short poetry, remember to stick to less broad ideas, that is for long poetry--along the lines of Whitman, Brooks, and HD.