Sad girl on the bus.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

How can beauty hold sadness so tightly?
A face that Leonardo could have saved for all time
Stares through herself into rainy night and orange light.
A face shaped for smiling sulks blankly;
Do you need to see the tears to know that they’re there
Caged by lashes?

Her brute grunts and nudges;
She makes the effort with forced ha-has,
Glancing his way for an instant only,
Before returning to her empty vigil
As he returns to his drink-mates.

It’s my stop.
So I leave her to a dead life;
If I prayed, I’d pray that this isn’t her always.
How could I touch her anyway?
She won’t know she moved me tonight;
I was just another passenger,
As is she.

[woeful painter]

Wow, what a thoughtful poem XC! Very moving indeed. I felt like I also wanted to do something about it myself. Nice indeed!

[Riesa]

achingly lovely, Xamonas.

[Virgil]

I liked the first stanza. Good original lines there, especially that first one, beauty holding sadness and then tears caged by lashes. Very original. The rest of the poem didn't do much for me. The lines go flat, and the emotion of the situation seems melodramatic. I'm mean it's just a moment on a bus and how far can one speculate into it?

[jon1jt]

I'm going to go with Virgil on this one, but think it peters out at the last line of the third stanza - the double question. The first stanza is supreme - you just nail it, I'm cheering over here, very moving, I love it! The last stanza leaves a bittersweet, mysterious aroma --- it's the reality of things. Yet, you pose a provocative question, does that leave room for another encounter with her? Perhaps the poet hasn't seen the last of her, after all. Poetry at its finest. Thanks for sharing.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

jon & Virgil,

You are right, I think the double question spoils it too.

I've removed one - something I don't normally do but I really think it needed it. Thanks for pointing it out. Sometimes you can get too inside a thing to see what it's like from the outside. I hope it's more balanced now.

[jon1jt]

I read it again and think you gave it more texture which further opens up the experience for me. I really like that final question you pose, so much so that I almost wish it could stand alone (or something?) to distill that wistful quality the observer leaves with feeling "moved" by her. It works as it is; I'm just being overly-eager that others will feel what I felt reading it, that's all.

I strongly disagree with Virgil that you give us "just a moment on a bus." It's empathy at work. You create a space we can all identify with - have found ourselves in - peering over at some troubled stranger, wondering. That sort of empathetic connection can take place anywhere, but most especially commonplace experience, like on a bus or at a check-out counter, it doesn't matter. That's like saying, "He loves her, so what? The brilliance of this piece is how it transports us from the mundane to the sublime, which is, "real experience," and that's what I think this poem is ultimately about. Phenomenal poem, keep em' coming!

[Page]

This is a very touching and sad poem. This is real life at work.

[Chinaski]

Completely related to that - very evocative.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Thank you both. I thought this one had sunk into the depths of the forum, never to surface again. It's like having a long lost friend turn up on the doorstep. Glad you liked it.

[genghiskhan]

I strongly disagree with Virgil that you give us "just a moment on a bus." It's empathy at work. You create a space we can all identify with - have found ourselves in - peering over at some troubled stranger, wondering. That sort of empathetic connection can take place anywhere, but most especially commonplace experience, like on a bus or at a check-out counter, it doesn't matter. That's like saying, "He loves her, so what? The brilliance of this piece is how it transports us from the mundane to the sublime, which is, "real experience," and that's what I think this poem is ultimately about.

I agree with this, well said.

Good job, Xamonas.

[miss tenderness]

i loved the title of this poem or this thread,everytime i pass in the personal poetry forum i can't help myself when i see(a sad girl in Bus) ,imagine how she would look like,what an image.

[Virgil]

Xam - I too read it again, and enjoyed it more this time around. Perhaps my comment earlier was a little harsh, although I still feel the poem needs more.

[Xamonas Chegwe]

More what Virg?

It was a moment that grabbed me and the poem was written quickly and edited within a couple of days. I can't recapture the mood that led me to this poem - that was all that came out - sorry, I have no 'more'.

[Virgil]

I don't know. I guess it will have to do. It's not a bad poem. Because it's just a person you meet in passing (and we all meet thousands of such people every year) it just feels like, well, there are millions of such people in the world, what is so special about this one. One would like a little more into her nature.

But it was a moment that grabbed you, and you captured that moment quite well.

[Regit]

Hi Virgil. I think I have a different view about this poem. I think moments like these are precious, and the fact that it is preserved in such carefully chosen details makes it even more precious. If I was trying to save such a moment in my memory, it would be because the girl I saw was so beautiful, and the picture she created was so beautiful that I would feel it a sin against my eyes and my soul not to preserve this image for as long as I live.

I don't think that moments like these happen a thousand times a year. I do not see how a face that Leonardo can preserve for all time can appear everyday. If I see someone on the bus that fits this description, and she is sad; I would fall in love and her sorrow would eat into my heart until I have translated my experience onto a page. It is well-written XC, and the first two stanzas are particularly touching. It makes my heart ache a little.

Sorry Virgil, I don't mean to disagree with you. It's just that I find myself oddly connected with this emotion. Maybe it's because I'm young. :)

[Virgil]

Sorry Virgil, I don't mean to disagree with you. It's just that I find myself oddly connected with this emotion. Maybe it's because I'm young. :)

That's ok if you disagree with me. We disagree quite often and vigorously here on lit net. We don't hold grudges in our disagreements, at least I don't.

For me, it's not that she's young and pretty that she should be singled out. What I find a little sketchy is the view into the relationship between her and the boyfriend. I mean, how can one judge this relationship from only ten minutes (or so) on a bus? The narrator seems to be projecting too much from just a glimpse without knowing their background or such. There may be a ten minute exchange between me and my wife that can be misconstrued by an outsider to be anything than our overall relationship.

But I know the feeling that Xam captured. I've had them too. He captured it well.

[Regit]

Yes, you are right. I have much to learn about life, and especially love :). I tell myself that I fall in love many times, but I, admittedly, fall out of it almost as often :p -maybe precisely because of feelings like these- Perhaps I'm not ready for marriage just yet. :D

I understand that a relationship cannot be judged on a moment. Though is that the objective of the poet, to give her boyfriend justice? I think that for a moment overwhelmed by beauty and emotion like this, a little anger or even envy without self-deliberation is acceptable (in fact it is one of the essential parts of the poem, I feel).

Though I can see your point; if it was ...no, if I had a girlfriend and it was my girlfriend he's talking about, I'd be really really mad :p (I'm joking XC, and I'm sorry to make many assumptions about your poem here, I hope they're not too far off as to offend you)

[Xamonas Chegwe]

Virgil,

The poem is about how I felt, including the extrapolations I made. Of course I know nothing of her life beyond that bus-ride - I say as much in the poem. There is just something so unbearably touching in sad beauty and that was what I hoped to capture.

Regit,

I'm sure that if her great slob of a boyfriend/husband read this and saw the way I'd described him, he would get mad too. He was an exhibition of masculinity at its most bestial and belching. I'm sure he has a better side - he'd never be with a girl like that in the first place otherwise - but he certainly never displayed any of his higher nature in the twenty minutes that I was enjoying his company.

And of course I'm not offended by your comments - I agree with them.

[Virgil]

Virgil,

The poem is about how I felt, including the extrapolations I made. Of course I know nothing of her life beyond that bus-ride - I say as much in the poem. There is just something so unbearably touching in sad beauty and that was what I hoped to capture.


Xam - Yes, that is the premis of the poem, and for me to go beyond the premis is unfair. The poem is fine.

[Chinaski]

I think that lots of good poetry leaves a lot to the imagination. I'm with the Phenomenologists on this one! The poem pulled on my own experience/ideas/mental pictures - that's what I want poetry to do a lot of the time.

[GimmyDiamond]

Oh man, what could I say that hasn't already been said and way better . . . I probably can't but what I will say is . . . it makes absolutely no sense why you would even give her a second look (aside from beauty) but you did, and so do I in those moments . . . and the fact that it doesn't make any sense makes it (for me) that much sharper . . . taking notice of someone you know and their feelings, facial expression, gestures, etc. would make sense and you would have the ability to be on the inside of that . . . but someone on a bus or in a store . . . you are on the outside and will always be on the outside which I think draws our attention that much more and creates that stronger wanting . . . and knowing we couldn't help, knowing even the offer would seem absurd, has us dwelling on this person beyond what even makes sense even while we can admit they are a no one in the line next to us at the store or 'just another passenger' . . . (if that made any sense :lol: - sorry, I tend to ramble)
Wicked awesome poem though :)