Her Music

[chmpman]

Here's a poem I fumbled to put together. I'd appreciate considerably some constructive criticism.


Her Music

Alone in a room
She strums her defiant chords
Mystical and pure.

Without reason she sings
Aware of no other being
Than her protean self.

Without revelry
Her song is a lingered sigh
Estranged and tragic;

Echoing against blank walls
Reliving a shadow
Of its creation.

The thoughts I have
Are to her unknown,
She dwells in isolation.

She will not accept
A cordial invitation
To join our festive crusade.

[Aurora Ariel]

This is quite beautiful- well done! I found an air of sadness, subtle musicality, and deep introspection with this poem.

My favourite lines are:

Echoing against blank walls
Reliving a shadow
Of its creation.

The thoughts I have
Are to her unknown,
She dwells in isolation.

[Pensive]

This poem is very touching and like Ariel, I will say that one can find air of sadness in it.

[chmpman]

Thank you both for your comments. Are there any lines that particularly stick out to you? I'm not very good about poetic rhythm, so I was hoping to get some feedback about this, and possibly some suggestions. Thanks again for the compliments!

[Virgil]

I find the poem intriguing. The rhythm seems quite good. I can't say I completely understand it, but it has a nice feel to it.

[chmpman]

That's really what I was going for, a lot of ambiguity. I mainly wanted to set up a barrier between the listener and singer, and to leave the reader left wondering. I'll take your post as a nice compliment. Also I sort of get a Wallace Stevens vibe from it, but that wasn't conscious.

[Virgil]

Yes, I meant it as a compliment, and your objectives were met.

[chmpman]

I should probably come up with a title that's a bit more catching huh?

[rachel]

I have felt just like her in a room singing or playing and unknown to me there was someone and I had made a barrier invisible but there and placed it all round so he could not even come and knock on my door.
I loved the feeling, deep and real and the words echoing against blank walls, reliving a shadow of its creation-those words are very personal to me.
man chmpman you did great. you have genius in there don't let it go to waste.
And that girlfriend, that perfect one that is standing just in the wings her beautiful face still in shadow will be appreciating your romantic side too in no time.

[chmpman]

Thanks rachel, I'm glad you liked it and that it struck a personal note.

With the last line I tried to bring into the picture a larger body of individuals than just the observer, using the word "our" instead of "my", but my initial thoughts were sparked by feeling distanced myself from women. I hope you're right about a girl appreciating my romantic side, but I'll tell you I may not be that romantic in person. It's a lot easier in a poem. What'd you think of the title? I figure it could use changing.

[Riesa]

I like the title, I think it conveys a lot more than just 'music', and it sets the mood.