new poet

[eshcolit]

hey guys, im new to poetry, only 14 years old and want some critisizm on my poems. this is the first one i wrote

My Quiet Room

In the shadows of my room I lie awake with my thoughts,
the moon full, shining in the midnight sky.
Ghoulish figures racing through my head.

I begin to imagine my fate, thinking of friends.
Sudden heat, my visions shattered.
I glimpse to my left, crimson flames dancing.

My heart races, adrenaline flowing.
Shrieks from places far away haunt my mind.
I blink, the inferno engulfs the room

I close my eyes, graciously accepting my fate.
Take me forever, I whisper to him,
and my plea was heard, my demise prolonged.
I open my eyes and sit up in my bed.

The covers removed, my shirt moist.
A wave of relief flows through my mind.
My dream passed, I lay back down
to my thoughts, in my quiet room.




i hope you like, email is [email protected] or my AIM sn is eshcolit.

[Dyrwen]

Well, that was pretty good. Good storyline of emotion, a bit much on the description, but I figure that worked well enough.

Seems like you'd be a little more clear picking real things or surreal actions, because your linking of the two is somewhat skewed. The imagery is good, but the descriptive actions of your real-time movement slows the rhythm.

Pretty good for a first poem though. :) hehe

[Phoenix_Tears]

I close my eyes, graciously accepting my fate.
Take me forever, I whisper to him,
and my plea was heard, my demise prolonged.
I open my eyes and sit up in my bed

*applauds*